Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, July 6 Thank you Kurt !!! ___________________________________________________ History on this day, July 5, in 1988, Several popular beaches were closed in New York City due to medical waste and other debris began washing up on the seashores. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Illimois parade shooter __________________________________________________ q The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything. --- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832) _________________________________________________ Do wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" the mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Do replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," explained Do excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!!!" __________________________________________________ There was a man who worked all of his life and had saved his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything. Just before he died, he said to his wife. "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man." She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with the man?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check." __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Robert Bobby E. Crimo III, 22, Highland Park, Illinois. USA Illimois parade shooter The suspect in Monday's mass shooting in Highland Park, Illinois, fired at the Independence Day parade-goers from a roof. After shooting "more than 70 rounds" into the crowd, he exited the roof, dropped his rifle and blended in with the crowd to escape, according to Deputy Chief Christopher Covelli. "He walked to his mother's home, who lived in the area, and blended right in with everyone else as they were running around almost as he was an innocent spectator as well. He borrowed his mother's vehicle," Covelli detailed. The gunman has been identified as Robert Bobby E. Crimo III. "We issued an alert yesterday afternoon," Covelli continued, saying officials provided the vehicle's information and Crimo's information. Covelli thanked "an alert member of the community" who saw the vehicle and called 911. "An alert North Chicago Police officer spotted the vehicle, waited for additional backup units to arrive, conducted a traffic stop, and they were able to safely apprehend Crimo with no injuries to the officers," Covelli added. A second rifle also purchased by Crimo was found in the vehicle, Covelli added. Currently, the suspect remains in custody and "by all indications, it appears Crimo was acting by himself," Covelli noted. ___________________________________________________ >From Eleanor In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?" In my 20's, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?" In my 30's, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone?" Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?" ___________________________________________________ A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a wet mop to get her to come out!" The cabbie almost hit a parked car. __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ When the office printer's type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the manager might try reading the printer's manual and try doing the job himself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first." ____________________________________________________ Ron Hodgson Western-Kingbird, NE of Calgary ___________________________________________________ A Scotsman on vacation in the U.S. payed his first visit to the zoo. Stopping by one of the cages he saw a man feeding the animal. "An whut animal would that be?" he asked the keeper. "That's a moose from Canada," came the reply. "A moose!" exclaimed the Scotsman, "Hoots man...they must ha' rrrats like elepants ower there!" ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen." "Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?" The woman answered, "Heck no, there were thousands of times we didn't get nothin'." _____________________________________________________ I was at the store the other day when the manager nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office when the shoplifter broke away and tried to run. After a scuffle, the manager slammed the guy against the wall. He looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him. "It's ok, folks, everything's fine," he reassured them. "This guy just tried going through the express line with more than ten items. He won't be hanged until the weekend." ___________________________________________________ DeaWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Anna Re: Typical spam/scam Dear Webby, I get an awful lot of scam email. I need a few tips to help me identify them, without getting infected. Anna Dear Anna First and foremost I would recommend that you get Mailwasher I have used and recommended MailWasher since Nick Bolton created it in the mid 90s. With the Humor Letter being read by 10,000 or more people every day, If there had been ONE person, who had an unsatisfactory experience with it, or a complaint, I would have heard about it. No complaints whatsoever. Everybody who tried it, loves it. Since I have not changed my address, [email protected] since 1994, it is on every spammer's CD. So what? Mailwasher takes care of the spam. Most of the spam and scam is recognized right out of the box. In addition to that, you can make filters. Gmail copied that feature, or part of it. With mailWasher you can pull down filter conditions like "IF ..., but not IF ...", and all kinds of devious tricks. Scammers simply don't have a chance. You can set it to just mark bad stuff for deletion, and allow you one last look at it, or just dump it right on the server, sent to hell without any human ever seeing it. For example, if you get an email from an AOL address, and it has INVOICE, then you KNOW it is phony. Legitimate businesses don't have AOL or Hotmail addresses. So it is quite safe to dump emails like that straight to hell, automatically, without even listing them. You can also use filters to safeguard some mails. You can play with the conditions and dump all mails from your former college, BUT NOT if there is "George" in the header somewhere. Making filters is a strategy game, and YOU have all the weapons. It is actually fun! Any spam or scam that gets through, you take notice. If there is ever a second one some day, then you make a filter. Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ Two friends and I were sitting in the outside area of bar & grill when a police car pulled a two-door car over right in front of the place. Both officers get out and we hear the cop closest to us say something about "They gotta be drunk!" The first cop approaches the car on the driver's side, the other cop on the passenger side. The first cop orders all the occupants out; there were 5. The second cop walks past the passenger door and waits. The front passenger gets out, then the back seat three. Then, the driver crawls over the console and out the passenger door. The driver is eyeing the first cop and nudges the second cop with his elbow -- without looking at who is behind him -- and with a drunken slur says "Jesh tell'em you wuz drivin'. I'm WAY too drunk!" ___________________________________________________ A Chicago lawyer named George successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I believe you would defend Satan himself!" "I don't know," George says, "what has your kid done now?" _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________ A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it. The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic and had to gong him with the fire extinguisher." _____________________________________________ One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it." When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it." "You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off." ___________________________________________________ Tamara Blue footed Booby ____________________________________________________ As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius? It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!" ___________________________________________________ >From Larry "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market." "Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me." ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
| Today, July 6, in 1699, Captain William Kidd, the pirate, was captured in Boston, MA, and deported back to England. 1777, British forces captured Fort Ticonderoga during the American Revolution. 1854, In Jackson, MI, the Republican Party held its first convention. 1858, Lyman Blake patented the shoe manufacturing machine. 1885, Louis Pasteur successfully tested his anti-rabies vaccine. The child used in the test later became the director of the Pasteur Institute. 1905, Fingerprints were exchanged for the first time between officials in Europe and the U.S. The person in question was John Walker. 1917, During World War I, Arab forces led by T.E. Lawrence captured the port of Aqaba from the Turks. 1919, A British dirigible landed in New York at Roosevelt Field. It completed the first crossing of the Atlantic Ocean by an airship. 1923, The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics was established (USSR). 1928, "The Lights of New York" was previewed in New York's Strand Theatre. It was the first all-talking movie. 1945, U.S. President Truman signed an order creating the Medal of Freedom. 1945, Nicaragua became the first nation to formally accept the United Nations Charter. 1948, Frieda Hennok became the first woman to serve as the commissioner of the Federal Communications Commission. 1957, Althea Gibson won the Wimbledon women's singles tennis title. She was the first black athlete to win the event. 1966, Malawi became a republic within the Commonwealth with Dr. Hastings Banda as its first president. 1967, The Biafran War erupted. The war lasted two-and-a- half years. About 600,000 people died. 1981, Former President of Argentina Isabel Peron was freed after five years of house arrest by a federal court. 1981, The Dupont Company announced an agreement to purchase Conoco, Inc. (Continental Oil Co.) for $7 billion. At the time it was the largest merger in corporate history. 1983, The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that retirement plans could not pay women smaller monthly payments solely because of their gender. 1985, Martina Navratilova won her 4th consecutive Wimbledon singles title. 1985, The submarine Nautilus arrived in Groton, Connecticut. The vessel had been towed from Mare Island Naval Shipyard. 1988, Several popular beaches were closed in New York City due to medical waste and other debris began washing up on the seashores. 1989, The U.S. Army destroyed its last Pershing 1-A missiles at an ammunition plant in Karnack, TX. The dismantling was under the terms of the 1987 Intermediate- range Nuclear Forces Treaty. 1997, The Mars Pathfinder released Sojourner, a robot rover on the surface of Mars. The spacecraft landed on the red planet on July 4th. 1997, In Cambodia, Second Prime Minister Hun Sen ousted First Prime Minister Norodom Ranariddh and claimed to have the capital under his control. 1998, Protestants rioted in many parts of Northern Ireland after British authorities blocked an Orange Order march in Portadown. 2000, A jury awarded former NHL player Tony Twist $24 million for the unauthorized use of his name in the comic book Spawn and the HBO cartoon series. Co-defendant HBO settled with Twist out of court for an undisclosed amount. 2022 Do! smiled. |
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