Good Morning, Do, Today is Tuesday, January 31 Have FUN! DearWebby Todays Bonehead Award: Burglar caused home owner to get shot and killed by cops Details at Boneheads ______________________________________________________ Today, January 30 in 1747 The first clinic specializing in the treatment of venereal diseases was opened at London Dock Hospital. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others. --- Jonathan Winters A neurosis is a secret that you don't know you are keeping. --- Kenneth Tynan Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. --- Socratex ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ >Requested by Celia: Have you still got the one about the Australian, who went for beer, while his wifew was delivering? Yes, sure. A perennial favorite: Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, "You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one." Swampy turns a little pale and leaves. Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he is the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, "There is another one on the way, so call back later." At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth one is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch. Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score. When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: "The score is ninety-six all out," says the voice, "and the last one was a duck." ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?" "Stay the heck away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking." ______________________________________________________ >From FB Imagine the racket they make! ______________________________________________________ If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! ______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Juan Brian Jetter-Clark, 23, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania Burglar caused home owner to get shot and killed by cops "They shot the wrong guy," the victim's ex-wife said. Police fatally shot an armed Pittsburgh man inside his home Sunday as officers responded to a call about a burglary in progress, authorities said. Christopher Thompkins ex-wife, Brenda Richmond, said the nightmare began around 4 a.m. when the couple woke to a stranger standing in their bedroom. "I opened my eyes and a man was standing there above us," Richmond, 51, who had reconciled with her ex-husband years ago, told the Pittsburg Post-Gazette. Richmond said Thompkins, 57, asked for her handgun, which was licensed to her. The burglar fled their room, but she said Thompkins became concerned for his elderlyblind and disabled mother who was sleeping downstairs. "He was just saying, 'My mom, my mom,'" she told The Tribune Review. "That's all he was worrying about." Thompkins hurried down their homes staircase and opened fire at the burglar. Two officers, who were about to attempt to enter the home after receiving a call about a possible burglary in progress shot through the closed door without warning and killed Thompkins. Richmond said that she wasn't aware that a security alarm had been tripped, alerting local police. She later called 911 herself after climbing out onto her house's roof, she told the Post-Gazette. Suspect Juan Brian Jetter-Clark, 23, was taken into custody at the scene for criminal trespass, police said. "They shot the wrong guy," Richmond told the Tribune. "He didn't want to hurt no cops. He was trying to save his mother." Speaking to the Post-Gazette, she said she realizes that officers were just trying to do their job. "They heard somebody shooting, they shoot," she said. Still, she said she wishes that "the protocol can be made better." Theoretically they should have announced their presence, not just shot through the door. According to the Post-Gazette, Thompkins spent 10 years in prison for the shooting death of another man during a domestic dispute involving Richmond. The couple was married at the time of the 1994 shooting but had been separated for a month. Richmond said Thompkins "was not the same man today that he was back then." In a statement, police said that the two officers involved have been placed on administrative leave. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Martin Re: Capturing pictures from PowerPoint Presentrations Dear Webby I'd just like to capture the picture, not the drivel. Some would make great wallpaper. Ideas? Martin Dear Martin Open PSP or any decent paint program Start the Powerpoint Presentation Just hit PrintScreen when you get to the slide that you want That prints it to the clipboard. Hit ESC out ALT TAB to get out of the PPS and into PSP CTRL V to open the capture as a picture ALT TAB back into the PPS and so on. ALT TAB jumps you from the open application to the one you were in just before, and you can jump back and forth easily. However, ALT TAB is quite literal. It jumps to the previous one, not the one before that. To avoid jumping from PSP to your mail, temporarily drag the PPS file onto the desktop and open it from there. Have FUN! DearWebby >From Wayne During a recent business trip to Boeing's Everett, Washington factory, I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled. Before the engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings to keep the planes balanced. The cast iron weights were bright yellow and black and marked, "14,000 lbs." But what I found particularly interesting was some stenciling I discovered on the side of each weight. Imprinted there was the warning: "Remove before flying." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Gluten Free Lemon Bars By Ida Claire [10 Posts, 20 Comments] Total Time: 40 minutes Yield: 9-12 depending on how you cut them Source: Bethel Methodist Church cookbook Ingredients: Crust 1/2 cup butter-softened 1/3 cup sugar 1 cup gluten free Bisquick Pam cooking spray Filling 3/4 cup sugar 2 eggs 3 Tbsp gluten free Bisquick zest from 1 large lemon juice from 1 large lemon Topping powdered sugar Steps: Combine softened butter, sugar and gluten free Bisquick in a bowl and mix together until it resembles coarse crumbs. Spray a 9x9 inch baking dish with Pam. Be sure to get the sides sprayed well too. Press crumb mixture into the bottom of dish. Pack down well, especially around the edges. Bake this at 350 degrees F for 15-17 minutes until edges are brown. While this is cooking mix the eggs, sugar and Bisquick together in a bowl. Grate lemon peel from a large lemon and then juice the lemon and add to mixture. Beat on medium speed until blended. Once the crust is finished cooking, pour the wet mixture on top of crust. Be sure to stir the mixture up real good right before pouring over crust. Return to oven and continue baking until top is golden; about 20 minutes. When done remove from oven and sprinkle with powdered sugar. While still hot, take a spatula and gently go around the edges of the dish. This will make removal easier once it has cooled. Once it is cooled, cut into squares and enjoy! | | for your popping enjoyment |
____________________________________________________ Newspapers 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country. 3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who like seeing the news twisted to be suitable for badmouthing any Republican government. Facts are irrelevant, as long as the date is correct. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much. 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train. 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. 9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country .... or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they strenuously oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats. 10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores. 11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store. ___________________________________________________ | | Awesome metal and river rock sculptures. |
Seen in an office downtown: Office Rules 1) If it rings, put it on hold. 2) If it clanks, call the repairman. 3) If it whistles, ignore it. 4) If it's a friend, take a break. 5) If it's the boss, look busy. 6) If it talks, take notes. 7) If it's handwritten, type it. 8) If it's typed, copy it. 9) If it's copied, file it. 10) If it's Friday, forget it! Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today on January 31 1606 Guy Fawkes was executed after being convicted for his role in the "Gunpowder Plot" against the English Parliament and King James I. 1747 The first clinic specializing in the treatment of venereal diseases was opened at London Dock Hospital. 1858 The Great Eastern, the five-funnelled steamship designed by Brunel, was launched at Millwall. 1865 In America, General Robert E. Lee was named general-in- chief of the Confederate armies. 1865 The 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was passed by the U.S. House of Representatives. It was ratified by the necessary number of states on December 6, 1865. The amendment abolished slavery in the United States. 1876 All Native American Indians were ordered to move into reservations. 1893 The trademark "Coca-Cola" was first registered in the United States Patent Office. 1917 Germany announced its policy of unrestricted submarine warfare. 1929 The USSR exiled Leon Trotsky. He found asylum in Mexico. 1930 U.S. Navy Lt. Ralph S. Barnaby became the first glider pilot to have his craft released from a dirigible, a large blimp, at Lakehurst, NJ. 1934 Jim Londos defeated Joe Savoldi in a one-fall match in Chicago, IL. The crowd of 20,000 was one of the largest crowds to see a wrestling match. 1936 The radio show "The Green Hornet" debuted. 1940 The first Social Security check was issued by the U.S. Government. 1944 During World War II, U.S. forces invaded Kwajalein Atoll and other areas of the Japanese-held Marshall Islands. 1945 Private Eddie Slovik became the only U.S. soldier since the U.S. Civil War to be executed for desertion. 1946 A new constitution in Yugoslavia created six constituent republics (Serbia, Montenegro, Croatia, Slovenia, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Macedonia) subordinated to a central authority, on the model of the USSR. 1949 The first TV daytime soap opera was broadcast from NBC's station in Chicago, IL. It was "These Are My Children." 1950 U.S. President Truman announced that he had ordered development of the hydrogen bomb. 1958 Explorer I was put into orbit around the earth. It was the first U.S. earth satellite. 1971 Astronauts Alan B. Shepard Jr., Edgar D. Mitchell and Stuart A. Roosa blasted off aboard Apollo 14 on a mission to the moon. 1971 Telephone service between East and West Berlin was re- established after 19 years. 1982 Sandy Duncan gave her final performance as "Peter Pan" in Los Angeles, CA. She completed 956 performances without missing a show. 1983 The wearing of seat belts in cars became compulsory in Britain. 1983 JCPenney announced plans to spend in excess of $1 billion over the next five years to modernize stores and to accelerate a repositioning program. 1985 The final Jeep rolled off the assembly line at the AMC plant in Toledo, OH. 1990 McDonald's Corp. opened its first fast-food restaurant in Moscow, Russia. 1995 U.S. President Clinton invoked presidential emergency authority to provide a $20 billion loan to Mexico to stabilize its economy. 1996 In Columbo, Sri Lanka, a truck was rammed into the gates of the Central Bank. The truck filled with explosives killed at least 86 and injured 1,400. 2000 John Rocker (Atlanta Braves) was suspended from major league baseball for disparaging foreigners, homosexuals and minorities in an interview published by Sports Illustrated. 2000 An Alaska Airlines jet crashed into the ocean off Southern California. All 88 people on board were killed. 2001 A Scottish court in the Netherlands convicted one Libyan and acquitted a second in the bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland, that occurred in 1988. 2017 Do smiled. |
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