Good Morning, Do, Today is Friday, March 9 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! If anybody is interested in these domain names, they are for sale cheap: $20 Owners have retired. taopainting.com gunwear.com Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Gramma was arrested for hauling drugs into jail Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, March 9 in 1454 Amerigo Vespucci was born in Florence, Italy. Martin Waldseemller, a German mapmaker, named the American continent in his honor, because Amerigo Vespucci was the first to recognize that the new world was an entirely new and different continent and not connected to Asia. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers. --- Mahatma Gandhi (1869 - 1948) If you think your boss is stupid, remember; you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter. --- Albert Grant _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ An 80 year old couple was worried because they kept forgetting things all the time. The doctor assured them there was nothing seriously wrong except old age, and suggested they simply carry a pocket notebook and write things down so as not to forget. Several days later, the old man got up to go to the kitchen. His wife said, "Dear, get me a bowl of ice cream while you're up." He says, "OK." She says, "...and put some chocolate syrup on it. You'd better write that down." He says, "I won't forget." She says, "and put a few cherries on it, too. You'd better write all this down." He says, "I won't forget." He comes back in twenty minutes and hands her a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon. She says, "Darn it!, I told you to write it down. I knew you'd forget." He says, "What did I forget?" She says, "My toast!" ______________________________________________________ >From Connie Words Women Use (And What They Mean) FINE This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade. NOTHING This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine". GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing". _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Bat Flower _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ After Jane's son fell into the pond yet again and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Jane sent him to his room and washed and dried his clothes. A little later, Jane heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?" There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter." _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Sarah Griffin, 68, Cody Clements, Memphis, Tennessee Gramma arrested for hauling dope into jail A Memphis grandmother is behind bars after visiting her grandson in prison. An officer at the Shelby County Division of Corrections observed visitor Sarah Griffin give a bag of Doritos to grandson, inmate Cody Clements, according to a report. The officer immediately asked Clements to hand over the bag, and Clements allegedly grabbed a small object out of the bag before giving it to the officer. The officer then examined the object, and it appeared to be drugs wrapped in black electrical tape, according to WREG. Officers unrolled the tape from the object and found several individually wrapped bags of a green leafy substance, yellow pills, and white powder. After further investigation, the bags tested positive for 28.5 grams of methamphetamine, 11.4 grams of marijuana, 40 bars of prescription Xanax pills, 1.7 grams of Ecstasy and 1.1 grams of Heroin. Griffin told officers she thought she was bringing in a cell phone and did not know it was drugs. She was transported to jail and is facing a contraband charge. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From the Tech Support Pits: From: OP Re: 32 bit to 64 bit computer Dear Webby, is there a way to go from a 32 bit to a 64 bit without buying a new computer? thanks, OP Dear OP No, you can't. Just format your computer and re-install everything, and it will be a speed demon like it was on day one. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Thanks to Chris for binging back this classic: ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the woman you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Volpe?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
This quiz has been around since we were kids. Do you remember the answers? 1. If a plane crashed on the border of the USA and Canada, where should the survivors be buried? 2. How many species of each animal did Moses take aboard the ark? 3. How many months have 28 days? 4. How far can a bear walk into the woods? 5. What is the value of coin dated 24 B.C.? 6. How many grooves does a 45rpm phonograph record have? 7. A camper leaves her camp, hikes 1 mile south, then 1 mile east where she sees a bear. Then she hikes 1 mile north to arrive at her camp. What color is the bear? 8. If a rooster lays an egg on the peak of a roof , will the egg roll to the left side or to the right side? 9. If a south bound electric train is traveling at a rate of 66 miles per hour and the wind is blowing to the north at 35 miles per hour, which way will the smoke blow? 10. On which side of a chicken are the most feathers? ANSWERS: 1. You don't bury survivors. 2. Moses didn't have an Ark, Noah did. 3. All twelve of them. 4. Half way, then he is walking out of the woods. 5. Nothing, a coin could not be dated BC. 6. One (spiraling) on each side. 7. The camp must be at the north pole, therefore the bear is white. 8. Roosters don't lay eggs, chickens do. 9. Electric trains don't blow smoke. 10. The outside. ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Tips for Growing Daffodils Of all the bulbs that bloom in the late winter and early spring, daffodils (Narcissus) are among the easiest and most rewarding to grow. If given minimum care at planting time they will grow, bloom, and increase in number with virtually no further attention from you. Because their flowers bloom in early spring you don't need to water the plants during the summer. Daffodils seldom need dividing, and perhaps best off all, they are completely unappetizing to the same rodents that find your tulip bulbs irresistible. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ Political Correctness: A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end. --- Kati | This is an amazing artist! |
___________________________________________________ An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today." "Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?" The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages." The friend looks at him quizzically. "Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..." "Well, what do you think," says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?" ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, March 9 in 1454 Amerigo Vespucci was born in Florence, Italy. Martin Waldseemller, a German mapmaker, named the American continent in his honor, because Amerigo Vespucci was the first to recognize that the new world was an entirely new and different continent and not connected to Asia. 1617 The Treaty of Stolbovo ended the occupation of Northern Russia by Swedish troops. 1734 The Russians took Danzig (Gdansk) in Poland. 1745 The first carillon was shipped from England to Boston, MA. 1793 Jean Pierre Blanchard made the first balloon flight in North America. The event was witnessed by U.S. President George Washington. 1796 Napoleon Bonaparte and Josephine de Beauharnais were married. They were divorced in 1809. 1799 The U.S. Congress contracted with Simeon North, of Berlin, CT, for 500 horse pistols at the price of $6.50 each. 1812 Swedish Pomerania was seized by Napoleon. 1820 The U.S. Congress passed the Land Act that paved the way for westward expansion of North America. 1822 Charles M. Graham received the first patent for artificial teeth. 1839 The French Academy of Science announced the Daguerreotype photo process. 1860 The first Japanese ambassador to the U.S. was appointed. 1862 During the U.S. Civil War, the ironclads Monitor and Virginia (built from the remnants of the USS Merrimack) fought to a draw in a five-hour battle at Hampton Roads, Virginia. 1863 General Ulysses Grant was appointed commander-in-chief of the Union forces. 1897 A patent was issued to William Spinks and William Hoskins for cue chalk. 1905 In Egypt, U.S. archeologist Davies discovered the royal tombs of Tua and Yua. 1905 In Manchuria, Japanese troops surrounded 200,000 Russian troops that were retreating from Mudken. 1905 In Congo, Belgian Vice Gov. Costermans committed suicide following an investigation of colonial policy. 1906 In the Philippines, fifteen Americans and 600 Moros were killed in the last two days of fighting. 1909 The French National Assembly passed an income tax bill. 1910 Union men urged for a national sympathy strike for miners in Pennsylvania. 1911 The funding for five new battleships was added to the British military defense budget. 1916 Mexican raiders led by Pancho Villa attacked Columbus, New Mexico. 17 people were killed by the 1,500 horsemen. 1929 Eric Krenz became the first athlete to toss the discus over 160 feet. 1932 Eamon De Valera was elected president of the Irish Free State and pledged to abolish all loyalty to the British Crown. 1933 The U.S. Congress began its 100 days of enacting New Deal legislation. 1936 The German press warned that all Jews who vote in the upcoming elections would be arrested. 1945 "Those Websters" debuted on CBS radio. 1945 During World War II, U.S. B-29 bombers launched incendiary bomb attacks against Japan. 1946 The A.F.L. accused Juan Peron of using the army to establish a dictatorship over Argentine labor. 1949 The first all-electric dining car in America was placed in service on the Illinois Central Railroad. 1954 WNBT-TV (now WNBC-TV), in New York, broadcast the first local color television commercials. The ad was Castro Decorators of New York City. (New York) 1956 British authorities arrested and deported Archbishop Makarios from Cyprus. He was accused of supporting terrorists. 1957 Egyptian leader Nasser barred U.N. plans to share the tolls for the use of the Suez Canal. 1959 Mattel introduced Barbie at the annual Toy Fair in New York. 1964 Production began on the first Ford Mustang. 1965 The first U.S. combat troops arrived in South Vietnam. 1967 Svetlana Alliluyeva, Josef Stalin's daughter defected to the United States. 1969 "The Smothers Brothers' Comedy Hour" was canceled by CBS-TV. 1975 Work began on the Alaskan oil pipeline. 1975 Iraq launched an offensive against the rebel Kurds. 1977 About a dozen armed Hanafi Muslims invaded three buildings in Washington, DC. They killed one person and took more than 130 hostages. The siege ended two days later. 1983 The official Soviet news agency TASS says that U.S. President Reagan is full of "bellicose lunatic anti-communism." 1985 "Gone With The Wind" went on sale in video stores across the U.S. for the first time. 1986 U.S. Navy divers found the crew compartment of the space shuttle Challenger along with the remains of the astronauts. 1987 Chrysler Corporation offered to buy American Motors Corporation. 1989 The U.S. Senate rejected John Tower as a choice for a cabinet member. It was the first rejection in 30 years. 1989 In Maylasia, 30 Asian nations conferred on the issue of "boat people." 1989 In the U.S., a strike forced Eastern Airlines into bankruptcy. 1989 In the U.S., President George H.W. Bush urged for a mandatory death penalty in drug-related killings. 1990 Dr. Antonia Novello was sworn in as the first female and Hispanic surgeon general. 1993 Rodney King testified at the federal trial of four Los Angeles police officers accused of violating his civil rights. (California) 1995 The Canadian Navy arrested a Spanish trawler for illegally fishing off of Newfoundland. 2000 In Norway, the coalition government of Kjell Magne Bondevik resigned as a result of an environmental dispute. 2011 Illinois Governor Pat Quinn signed legislation that abolished the death penalty in his state. 2018 Do smiled. |
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