| Good Morning, Do! Peter Paul Today is Fiday, May 5 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! ___________________________________________________ History: Today, May 5 1961, Astronaut Alan B. Shepard Jr., aboard Mercury capsule Freedom 7, became the first American in space when he made a 15 minute suborbital flight. ___________________________________ Bonehead Award: Wannabe Rapist arrested _____________________________________________________ Q This is like deja vu all over again. --- Yogi Berra (1925 - ) There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it. --- Cicero (106 BC - 43 BC), De Divinatione _____________________________________________________ It was Sunday and the preacher has just finished an inspiring church service when Rick, the wealthiest man in town, stood up and asked to address the congregation. The preacher wasn't surprised at this. "Just make it quick, Rick." He sighs. "Sure Father." Said Rick. He cleared his throat and addressed the audience: "I can still recall the day when I earned my first dollar," he began. "That same evening, I attended a church meeting where the speaker talked about his humanitarian efforts. At that moment, I had only that single dollar to my name, and I had to make a tough decision: give it to the speaker's cause or keep it for myself. "I chose to donate it all, and I truly believe that God blessed that decision, which is why I am a millionaire today." he finished, a tear gleaming in his eye. "Oh yea?" an old woman in the audience stood up, "I dare you to do it again!" ______________________________________________________ An elderly man rear ends a young man driving an expensive sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. Look what you did to my car he yells. youre gonna give me $10,000 right now or Im gonna beat you to a pulp! Oh my says the old man, "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and hell know what to do." "Dolphins...", the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes. The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as the son answers, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man. "So, YOURE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, your old man here just rear ended my car and I need ten grand right now or Im gonna beat you AND your old man to a pulp. So you better train those dolphins to bring you some cash!" "Ill be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end. Exactly ten minutes later a pickup truck pulls up. A huge guy hops out and proceeds to walk calmly towards the bully. Before the enraged young man can speak, the man smoothly rams his head against the other man's forehead. The bully crumples like paper and the other man catches him, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When hes finished, he walks over to the old man and says: For the last time dad... I train seals... Navy Seals. NOT dolphins. ______________________________________________________ Shelly Marie Spectacular Badger in Southern Alberta today..absolutely huge.. not scared of my vehicle at all.. kinda telling me to go away!!! ?? _____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! __________________________________________________ You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, The Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war! ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ When you are dating..You picture the two of you together, growing old together When you are married You wonder who will die first. ____________________________________________________ One morning, a parish priest was opening his mail. He took a single sheet of paper out of an envelope and unfolded it. Looking at the paper, he found that only one word had been written.....'JERK'. At mass the following Sunday, he announced to his congregation, "I have known many people who have written letters and have forgotten to sign their name. However, this week I received a letter from someone who signed their name, but forgot to write a letter." ___________________________________________________ A woman's husband passed away, so she called the Obituary Department of the local newspaper and said, "This is what I want to print: George is dead." "But for $30 you are allowed to print six words," the man at the newspaper said. "Oh, in that case," the woman said, "print: George is dead. Boat for sale." ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Marta RE: Can you Speed up W10? Dear Webby, I see now why you don't like W10. Why do they make it so gawdawful S L O W ? Is there any way to speed it up? Marta Dear Marta They would like to sell you a new computer, that is not quite as slow. To make it go fast, somebody at Microsoft said: "Throw it off a tall cliff." Yes, I know you were hoping for a slightly more environment friendly solution. If your computer was downgraded from XP or W7 to W10, then contact the maker of your computer and double the amount of RAM it has. W10 on a W7 iron, with 4 GB of RAM is like hauling a piano on a moped. It CAN be done, but it won't be fast. The maker of your machine, for example DELL, will know what kind of RAM stick you need and will sell it to you, reluctantly. Very reluctantly. They would prefer to get the commission for selling you a new one. Once you have the extra RAM stick, sticking it in is easy. You need to vacuum out the machine anyway. Next step is MUCH more difficult. Learn to close inactive browser tabs. How do I know you got too many browser tabs open? No, I am not spying on you. Microsoft and the Chinese Government do that. I just know that all pretty ladies have too many tabs open. So, close any tab, that you are not working on. You can use ONETAB, and stash them in there. You might have to read the instrructions and get used to it. Personally, I just paste the URLs into an Open Office spreadsheet. In there I can sort them, comment them, and have even more comments in further columns. Your comments are of course searchable/ Make them as descriptive as possible. Excel, of course, works just as well, but is not free. Once you have your browser trimmed down to just 2 or 3 tabs, instead of the usual 57, Windows will be faster, and the browser won't lock up so often. Have FUN! DearWebby ___________________________________________________ A man went skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seemed like days, he was ready to go. Excited, he jumped out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulled the ripcord. Nothing happened. He tried again. Still nothing. He started to panic, but remembered his back- up chute. He pulled that cord. Nothing happened. He frantically began yanking both cords to no avail. Suddenly he looked down, and he couldn't believe his eyes. Another man was in the air with him, but this guy was going up! Just as the other guy passed by, the skydiver yelled, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yelled back, "No! Do you know anything about gas BBQs?" __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _________________________________________________ Doug McQueen May/02 - East Calgary - handsome male Yellow-headed Blackbird ____________________________________________________ __________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD reported by Rock, has been earned by Erick Diaz, Boca ERaton, Florida, USA Wannabe Rapist arrested Boca Raton Police responded to reports of a woman screaming and found a woman being attacked in her home. According to Boca Raton Police, officers responded to a Boca Raton apartment after neighbors called 9-1-1 to report hearing an audible alarm along with a woman screaming on Friday, April 28th, 2023. Police arrived at the front door of the apartment and could hear screaming from within. Officers attempted to make entry into the apartment through the front door but were unable due to it being locked. Officers then heard screaming and a female inside saying he has a knife.. Officers then broke the glass door and entered the unit. Officers entered the apartment, guns drawn, and observed the victim standing on the left side of her living room near the front door, and the offender, Erick Diaz, standing on the right side of the small living room near a laundry basket. At gunpoint, Diaz was ordered to get on the ground, and he complied. The victim told officers that she arrived home at her apartment at around 2330 hours. As she approached the door, she advised that she heard something and began to open her door slowly; at this point, she advised Diaz then charged at her from around a corner on the left side of her apartment, opened her door, and forced her into her home. While inside the home a verbal argument ensued, and Diaz began reaching for her phone. During the argument, Diaz pushed the victim to the floor and took the phone from her pocket telling her to unlock it. Once unlocked, he then began looking at her messages. With the victims phone in his hand, Diaz walked into the victims kitchen and retrieved a silver-handled knife with a silver blade. He then approached the victim, who was getting up from the ground and ordered her to turn the alarm off. After the victim attempted to turn the alarm off, she advised he pointed the knife at her and told her to go into the bedroom which is located at the rear of the apartment. Once in the bedroom, she sat at the edge of the bed facing the door. The male placed the knife down on a table near the bed and denied the victim access to her phone as she received a call from her alarm company as well as text messages. Diaz then attempted to remove her clothing, despite her repeatedly telling him to stop. She advised that Diaz pulled down her shirt and bra at the collar and began kissing her bare breasts. He then began to take off his own clothing. The victim advised that the male stopped what he was doing upon hearing officers at her front door. As Diaz began putting his pants back on, she explained that she attempted to run out of the bedroom. As she did so, Diaz picked up the knife causing her to retreat into a bedroom corner to the right of the bedroom door. Diaz approached her coming within inches of her but she was able to get away and enter into the living room where she attempted to open the front door for officers outside who were trying to make entry. She explained that once Diaz heard the sound of the rear slider being breached, he placed the knife into the laundry basket. Police say that Diaz, who appeared intoxicated, was observed as having no shirt on and his pants were on backward. Diaz refused to talk to the Police. ADVERTISEMENT Police also note that Diaz had two prior interactions with the victim the day before which were both documented by separate cases. In the first incident, he repeatedly knocked on her door in an attempt to speak with her. In the second incident, which occurred later in the same evening, Diaz arrived at the victims residence uninvited and was repeatedly asked to leave causing a verbal argument to ensue. On that day, Police informed Diaz that he should not return to the residence as it would be considered stalking as he does not live there nor does he have any legal rights to the property. Diaz was arrested and charged with the following: 787.01(1A2) ARMED KIDNAPPING 812.135(2B) HOME INVASION WITH WEAPON 784.021(1A) AGGRAVATED ASSAULT(DEADLY WEAPON) 784.048(3) STALKING CREDIBLE THREAT He will have free room and board for a while. _____________________________________________________ Today, May 5 in 1494, Christopher Columbus sighted Jamaica on his second trip to the Western Hemisphere. He named the island Santa Gloria. 1798, U.S. Secretary of War William McHenry ordered that the USS Constitution be made ready for sea. The frigate was launched on October 21, 1797, but had never been put to sea. 1809, Mary Kies was awarded the first patent to go to a woman. It was for technique for weaving straw with silk and thread. 1814, The British attacked the American forces at Ft. Ontario, Oswego, NY. 1834, The first mainland railway line opened in Belgium. 1862, The Battle of Puebla took place. It is celebrated as Cinco de Mayo Day. 1865, The Thirteenth Amendment was ratified, abolishing slavery in the U.S. 1891, Music Hall was dedicated in New York City. It was later renamed Carnegie Hall. 1892, The U.S. Congress extended the Geary Chinese Exclusion Act for 10 more years. The act required Chinese in the U.S. to be registered or face deportation. 1901, The first Catholic mass for night workers was held at the Church of St. Andrew in New York City. 1912, Soviet Communist Party newspaper Pravda began publishing. 1916, U.S. Marines invaded the Dominican Republic. 1917, Eugene Jacques Bullard becomes the first African-American aviator when he earned his flying certificate with the French Air Service. 1925, John T. Scopes, a biology teacher in Dayton, TN, was arrested for teaching Darwin's theory of evolution. After being found guilty his conviction was later set aside. 1926, Eisenstein's film "Battleship Potemkin" was shown in Germany for the first time. 1926, Sinclair Lewis refused a 1925 Pulitzer for "Arrowsmith." 1936, Edward Ravenscroft received a patent for the screw-on bottle cap with a pour lip. 1942, In the U.S., wartime sugar rationing began. 1945, The Netherlands and Denmark were liberated from Nazi control. 1945, A Japanese balloon bomb exploded on Gearhart Mountain in Oregon. A pregnant woman and five children were killed. 1955, "Damn Yankees" opened on Broadway. 1955, The Federal Republic of Germany (West Germany) became a sovereign state. 1956, Jim Bailey became the first runner to break the four-minute mile in the U.S. He was clocked at 3:58.5. 1961, Astronaut Alan B. Shepard Jr., aboard Mercury capsule Freedom 7, became the first American in space when he made a 15 minute suborbital flight. 1984, The Itaipu Dam opened on the Paran River between Brazil and Paraguay. 1987, The U.S. congressional Iran-Contra hearings opened. 1991, In New York, Carnegie Hall marked its 100th anniversary. 2014, The U.S. Supreme court upheld Christian prayers at the start of local council meetings. 2023, Do smiled.
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