Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, June 3 Thank you, Elaine!! ___________________________________________________ Today, June 3 in 1856 Cullen Whipple patented the screw machine. ______________________________________________________ Today's Bonehead Award: Feds Charge Illinois Man For Rioting In Minnesota, and reporting it on FaceBook ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
_____________________________________________________ The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think. --- Horace Walpole (1717 - 1797) The more original a discovery, the more obvious it seems afterwards. --- Arthur Koestler (1905 - 1983) _____________________________________________________ My aunt learned how to live with her husband's sleepwalking. She gave him a vacuum. __________________________________________ >From Dad. "This one bloomed today. It loves wind, that is why I hung it onto the railing." __________________________________________ The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. ..... End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them. 1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence. 4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? ;) 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die? 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? -Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in- laws? (Lev.20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan. ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Matthew Lee Rupert, 28, Galesburg, Illinois Feds Charge Illinois Man For Rioting In Minnesota An Illinois man who traveled to Minnesota for some rioting and looting--some of which he broadcast on Facebook Live- - has been charged in a federal criminal complaint for his involvement in the Minneapolis mayhem. Matthew Lee Rupert, 28, is facing felony counts for possession of explosive devices and traveling across state lines to engage in the violent activities that have engulfed the Minnesota city in the wake of George Floyds death in police custody. In a May 28 Facebook post, Rupert announced an impending trip from his home in Galesburg, a city 45 miles from Peoria, to Minnesota. I 'm going to Minneapolis tomorrow who coming only goons I 'm renting hotel rooms, wrote Rupert, according to an affidavit sworn by FBI Agent F.M. Stephens. In subsequent Facebook videos--which were posted after Rupert arrived in Minneapolis--he passes out explosives he indicates he possessed, encourages others to throw his explosives at law enforcement officers, actively damages property, appears to light a building on fire, and loots businesses in Minneapolis, Stephens charged. The affidavit states that Rupert, after noting the presence of SWAT trucks, declared, I 've got some bombs if some of you all want to throw them backbomb them back. Later Friday night, Rupert allegedly used a pry tool to break into a boarded-up liquor store, looted an Office Depot, and reported setting a fire at a Sprint store. On Sunday, Rupert (seen above and at right) had relocated to Chicago, where he was heard on video saying things to the effect of let 's start a riot ' and I 'm going to start doing some damage. In one Facebook post, Rupert declared that, we can loot until 2:30. Video on his Facebook page shows Rupert entering a looted downtown Chicago business and announcing that he had spotted a cash register inside. He is then seen going into a nearby convenience store that had been broken into and stealing what appear to be tobacco products. Rupert and several associates were arrested around 2:20 AM yesterday by Chicago cops for violating the city 's emergency curfew order. A search of Rupert 's car yielded several destructive devices, a hammer, and a heavy-duty flashlight. Rupert 's girlfriend told police that his crew had traveled to Minneapolis in order to riot, ' according to Agent Stephens. One video on Rupert 's Facebook page--which is not referenced in the FBI affidavit--shows Rupert 's car being stopped early Saturday morning for speeding. With a patrol car 's lights flashing, Rupert and his friends--one of whom is on parole and not supposed to be outside Illinois-- voice concerns that the officer will seek to search their vehicle, which contains assorted problematic items, including marijuana dabs (the possession of which amounted to a felony, Rupert noted). But when the patrolman returned to the vehicle, he did not ask to search the car and only cited Rupert for diving 90 in a 65 mph zone. As he drove away, Rupert told those watching him on Facebook Live, We got lucky as fuck, bro! Real shit. Another man in the car can be heard saying that when the cop shined a flashlight on him, I know he had to see the jewelry, an apparent reference to items stolen in Minneapolis. DeaWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Eddie Re: Bookmarks Dear Webby, I used to know how to bookmark sites, but have not done that for so long, I forgot how to do it. What is the trick? Eddie Dear Eddie CTRL D works on many browsers. You can also open an email do yourself, and paste the URL and a short description into it. Address it to yourself, but don't quite send it, so that you can add more stuff later or next week. You can also open a spreadsheet, save it and set it to auto-save every 5 minutes, and paste your urls and descriptions into it. With most spreadsheets URLs are clickable. The benefit of spreadsheets is that they are searchable, and sortable. Have FUN! DearWebby
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____________________________________________________ | | Lawnmower DUI Helicopter Chase |
_____________________________________________ Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society. "So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?" The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. Some of the new treatments and medications have developed in recent years. And the classes in life skills and using computers and connecting with people on the internet have helped me feel more real and in touch with the world. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately, or maybe website design." Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities." The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can continue being a teapot and post stuff to YahooGroups." _____________________________________________ >From Waldo Some time back, my cousin, Steve moved to a new apartment. Steve had a business commitment out of town that weekend and so I and my three brothers all chipped in to help his wife move the furniture. The new apartment was on the third floor. We hauled everything up the three flights of stairs and around the tight corner through the kitchen put them where they belonged. Finally, we came to the large couch. After hauling it up three flights to the top of the stairs, we discovered it would not go around the corner through the kitchen. We took it back out into the hall and turned it and tried again. It still wouldn't fit. Finally all of us boosted the couch from the back of the truck up the side of the building. From the third floor, we passed the couch up and over the railing of the tiny balcony and in through the sliding doors into the living room. We all coollapsed on the couch to catch our breath and made a pact that we would not tell Steve how we got the couch into the apartment. "The next time he moves," we conspired, "he will have to figure out how to get the couch out of there on his own. It will be our little secret. He will have to take a saw to it!" As luck would have it, Steve found a place he liked better about three months later. It really was a busy weekend at work, and none of us were available to help move. We waited eagerly to hear from Steve but there was nothing. Finally, after several days of waiting, I asked Steve, "So, did you get everything moved OK?" "Sure," he replied. "Did you run into any problems?" "No." "Now, wait a minute, we had to drag the couch up the outside of the building and haul it over the railing! How did you get it out of the living room? It didn't fit through the kitchen!" Steve looked at me with total disbelief and said "Geez, you idiots, the legs unscrew!" _____________________________________________ MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS: ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME: 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE: 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private, using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money. 3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no- no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family): 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go to bed with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say, "10:00 PM,' others might say, "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE: 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS: 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 15 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say, "Yes," to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE: 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too. 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. MISCELLANEOUS 1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 2. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home. ____________________________________________ >from Barb Our part of the country had gone for weeks with little or no rain. The TV weatherman, on his computerized map, was pointing out a thunderstorm 50 mi. away. He placed his cursor over the region and clicked to zoom in on the storm. Watching, my son Roger shook his head and said, "I sure wish he would click on that storm and drag it over here." | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today June3 in 1098 Christian Crusaders of the First Crusade seized Antioch, Turkey. 1539 Hernando De Soto claimed Florida for Spain. 1621 The Dutch West India Company received a charter for New Netherlands (now known as New York). 1784 The U.S. Congress formally created the United States Army to replace the disbanded Continental Army. On June 14, 1775, the Second Continental Congress had created the Continental Army for purposes of common defense and this event is considered to be the birth of the United States Army. 1800 John Adams moved to Washington, DC. He was the first President to live in what later became the capital of the United States. 1805 A peace treaty between the U.S. and Tripoli was completed in the captain's cabin on board the USS Constitution. 1851 The New York Knickerbockers became the first baseball team to wear uniforms. 1856 Cullen Whipple patented the screw machine. 1918 The Finnish Parliament ratified its treaty with Germany. 1923 In Italy, Benito Mussolini granted women the right to vote. 1937 The Duke of Windsor, who had abdicated the British throne, married Wallis Warfield Simpson. 1938 The German Reich voted to confiscate so-called "degenerate art." 1952 A rebellion by North Korean prisoners in the Koje prison camp in South Korea was put down by American troops. 1965 Edward White became the first American astronaut to do a "space walk" when he left the Gemini 4 capsule. 1970 Har Gobind Khorana and colleagues announced the first synthesis of a gene from chemical components. 1989 Chinese army troops positioned themselves to began a sweep of Beijing to crush student-led pro-democracy demonstrations in Tiananmen Square. 1999 Slobodan Milosevic's government accepted an international peace plan concerning Kosovo. NATO announced that airstrikes would continue until 40,000 Serb forces were withdrawn from Kosovo. 2003 Toys "R" Us, Inc. announced that it had signed a multi-year agreement with Albertson to become the exclusive toy provider for all of all of Albertson's food and drug stores. 2020 Do smiled. |
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