Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, January 9 Today's Bonehead Award: Woman attacks parents for not taking her to Outback ______________________________________________________ Today, January 9 in 1902 New York State introduced a bill to outlaw flirting in public. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance. --- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988) Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy. --- Nora Ephron ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Irene for this story: My husband and I were at a restaurant and before we were seated my husband said he needed to use the bathroom he went off and did his business, When he finally returned I notice a very LONG piece of toilet paper hanging out of the back of his pants. Before I could say anything everyone started laughing and pointing, of course he still had no clue, that is until some young guy approached him, and asked him if he was receiving a fax! ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Constant nagging didn't seem to provide any relief from having to clean up the bathroom after each of my three teenage children. After I cleaned it one day, I resorted to posting a sign that read: "Please leave the bathroom as you found it." I noticed the bathroom was in the usual mess after my son used it, so I called, "Brian, how did you find the bathroom?" After a brief pause, he replied, "Straight down the hall, first door on the right." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Sick Day I'm feeling sick and getting worse. I think I'd better see the nurse. I'm sure I should go home today. It could be fatal if I stay. I'm nauseated, nearly ill. I have a fever and a chill. I have a cold. I have the flu. I'm turning green and pink and blue. I have the sweats. I have the shakes, a stuffy nose, and bellyaches. My knees are weak. My vision's blurred. My throat is sore. My voice is slurred. I'm strewn with head lice, ticks, and mites. I'm covered in mosquito bites. I have a cough, a creak, a croak, a reddish rash from poison oak, a feeble head, a weakened heart. I may just faint or fall apart. I sprained my ankle, stubbed my toes, and soon I'll start to decompose. And one more thing I have today that makes me have to go away. It's just as bad as all the rest: I also have a science test. ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Deanna Seltzer, 28, Lake Worth, Floriduh Woman attacks parents for not taking her to Outback A woman from Lake Worth is accused of attacking her parents with a knife for not taking her to Outback Steakhouse. Deanna Seltzer, 28, is facing two counts of aggravated assault, battery, and battery on a person over 65 years old. A report from the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office said Seltzer became enraged after she asked her parents to go to Outback on Wednesday afternoon. Her mom said "No." That's when Seltzer flipped over the glass dining room table and other furniture throughout the home. Deputies said she also hit her mom, grabbed a 12-inch decorative knife and chased her dad around the home, threatening to kill him. Her father eventually wrestled the knife away from her. Seltzer is free on bond. A judge ordered her to undergo a mental health evaluation within days of her release from jail. >From Anna While visiting my son on his Army base, I chatted with a colleague of his. "What rank are you?" I asked. "I'm relieved to say that I've just been promoted from captain to major." "Relieved? Why?" "Because," he replied, "my last name is Hook." From: Steve Re: Big downloads Dear DearWebby, Is there a location to get a current copy of Libre Office from. I am not way savvy on this stuff & made a mess of trying to download it. It gave me several dowloading errors & I could not get it to open properly. Paying a fee for a clean current copy is no problem. Now that I have read your news letter I can go have my morning tea. Thanx, Steve J. Dear Steve It is a huge file, about 120 MB, and on slow dial-up will take a long time to download. If you have a neighbor or friend with a high speed connection, give them a blank CD and ask them to download it and burn it onto the CD for you. CD's are cheap, but shipping is not. Try to get one burned within walking distance. Personally, I would just start the download before you go to bed. By morning it will be finished even on a very slow dial-up. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece. One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?" Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots John, and count them yourself!" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"? And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to." Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,"I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it." A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?" Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, otherwise it would never fit into my baking pan, because hams were bigger in those days." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Caring For Cut Flowers Using pruning shears (not scissors), make a fresh cut at the bottom of the stem under running water. Strip away all leaves that will be below the water line so they don't rot. Change the water once a day and add 2 Tbsp. of sugar to act as a preservative. Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ An elderly Dutch man asked the local priest to hear his confession. "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess." "It's worse, Father. I was weak and told her she must repay me with her sexual favours." "You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. Heaven, in its wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and evil, and judge you kindly. You are forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question." "And what is that?" "Should I tell her the war is over?" ___________________________________________________ Thanks to Andrew for this story: When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect. Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer." As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney. "Only to mow my lawn." ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs. A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. ___________________________________________________ | Today January 9 in 1793 Jean-Pierre Blanchard made the first successful balloon flight in the U.S. 1799 British Prime Minister William Pitt the Younger introduced income tax, at two shillings (10p) in the pound, to raise funds for the Napoleonic Wars. 1848 The first commercial bank was established in San Francisco, CA. 1894 The New England Telephone and Telegraph Company put the first battery-operated switchboard into operation in Lexington, MA. 1902 New York State introduced a bill to outlaw flirting in public. 1905 In Russia, the civil disturbances known as the Revolution of 1905 forced Czar Nicholas II to grant some civil rights. 1929 The Seeing Eye was incorporated in Nashville, TN. The company's purpose was to train dogs to guide the blind. 1936 The United States Army adopted the semi-automatic rifle. 1940 Television was used for the first time to present a sales meeting to convention delegates in New York City. 1951 The United Nations headquarters officially opened in New York City. 1969 The supersonic aeroplane Concorde made its first trial flight, at Bristol. 1972 The ocean liner Queen Elizabeth was destroyed by fire in Hong Kong harbor. 1972 British miners went on strike for the first time since 1926. 1981 Hockey Hall of Famer, Phil Esposito, announced that he would retire as a hockey player after the New York Rangers-Buffalo Sabres hockey game. The game ended in a tie. (NHL) 1984 Clara Peller was first seen by TV viewers in the "Where's the Beef?" commercial campaign for Wendy's. 1986 Kodak got out of the instant camera business after 10 years due to a loss in a court battle that claimed that Kodak copied Polaroid patents. 1991 U.S. secretary of state Baker and Iraqi foreign minister Aziz met for 61/2 hours in Geneva, but failed to reach any agreement that would forestall war in the Persian Gulf. 1995 Russian cosmonaut Valeri Poliakov, 51, completed his 366th day in outer space aboard the Mir space station, breaking the record for the longest continuous time spent in outer space. 1997 Tamil rebels attacked a military base in Sri Lanka. 200 soldiers and 140 rebels were killed. 2000 ABC-TV began airing "The Mole." 2002 The U.S. Justice Department announced that it was pursuing a criminal investigation of Enron Corp. The company had filed for bankruptcy on December 2, 2001. 2003 Archaeologists announced that they had found five more chambers in the tomb of Qin Shihuang, China's first emperor. The rooms were believed to cover about 750,000 square feet. 2007 Steve Jobs, Apple Inc.'s CEO, announced the first generation iPhone. 2018 Do smiled. |
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