Good Morning, Do, Today is Saturday, August 26 Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Drunk driver smashed into 17 cars while trying to park Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, Aug 25 in 55 B.C. Britain was invaded by Roman forces under Julius Caesar. That is why there are so many latin words in the English language. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric. --- Bertrand Russell (1872 1970) If you ever start to feel too good about yourself, they have this thing called the Internet, and you can find a lot of people there who don't like you. --- Tina Fey Yeah, I noticed that too :D ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Dianne for this story: (Dianne has two cats) Cookie Recipe Look in cookbook for cookie recipe. Get cup of coffee. Get cat off of cookbook. Find that special recipe. Get cat's nose out of coffee mug. Go to fridge and get eggs. Get dry ingredients from cupboard. Break eggs in small bowl. Sift dry ingredients into a large bowl Answer the phone. Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge. Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off. Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands. Throw flour out and get more. Preheat oven for cookies. Glare at cat with desire to bake cat now. Watch cat run for cover into bathroom. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough. Run to bathroom to investigate loud crashing sound. Cat has toilet paper all over floor and your personal bathroom things have been knocked over on top of it. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl. Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off. Get bandages to cover more scratches on arms and legs. Clean up bathroom. Run to kitchen to see what cat is doing now. Get cat off floured counter in kitchen. Try to pick cat hairs out of flour. Step on cat's tail and get bitten in ankle. Get coat, car keys, cat, and drive to store to buy cookies. Squeeze cat through partially open window into a stranger's car with Florida license plates at the store parking lot. Eat most of the cookies on the way home. _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ This actually happened in the mid-1980s). In a trial, in a small SC town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs!!. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well." The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments. Then, he slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She replied again, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know ! him." The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you both in jail for contempt, and throw away the key!" ______________________________________________________ No-riding-on-my-back-I'm-still-digesting-the-last-tourist! I came across this picture when I was checking an old camera chip. That was from a trip to the Everglades with Sandie in 2001 or 2002. I was taking pictures of the alligators eyes, when I realized I was way too close and stepped back a few feet to get more of him onto the picture. _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Tony Futch, 25, Osceola County, Floriduh Drunk driver smashed into 17 cars while trying to park A drunken driver in Florida turned a parking lot into his own personal demolition derby, smashing into 17 cars while trying to park his Chevy Blazer, according to reports. Tony Futch, 25, turned into a one-man wrecking crew Friday in Osceola County when he returned home to the Gate Condominium complex allegedly inebriated, the Orlando Sentinel reported. Futch is accused of first ramming through the gate of the apartment complex around 4 a.m., then driving around in circles and smashing into his neighbors' parked cars before parking his 2003 Blazer, according to an arrest report. The 17 cars were damaged in eight separate crashes. Becky Olsen, who lives in the complex, estimated her Hyundai Elantra sustained about $2,000 in damage, which she noticed as she was about to go to work. I just came down, saw that the car next to mine was crooked and thought 'what kind of jerk parked like that?' Olsen told the Sentinel. Cops had to pepper spray Futch, who became combative and reeked of alcohol, according to an arrest report. The allegedly boozed-up bozo told them, I'll tell you everything I did, I will tell you anything you want as he was being arrested. Futch who had his license suspended in 2013 for DUI refused to provide a breath sample. He was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving and also faces a charge of resisting arrest. He's being held in Osceola County Jail on $9,250 bond. No license, no insurance. Typical. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Rosie Re: Back Up bat with log Dear Webby, Once upon a time, long, long ago, when you were a harried mobile tech, occasionally sprinting through our offices with a computer and your tool case under your arms, or a quarter-ton IBM 3810 laser printer on your shoulder, fixing not just hardware, but anything from bimbo-malfunctions to Word Perfect macros, you wrote me a back-up bat. I transfered it to every new machine I got and it worked fine from DOS 3 to Windows 7. Unfortunately, I forgot to take it with me when I quit in a huff and formatted my work computer. Can you pretty please write me a new one just like that one, with a log of backaup dates? Thanks Rosie Dear Rosie We sure had fun in those days! OK, here is your old bat, as far as I remember it: @echo off color 9E xcopy /S /D /Q c:\docs e:\docs time /T >> c:\t.txt date /T >> c:\t.txt echo Rosie's back-up bat has done it again! >> c:\t.txt type c:\t.txt pause Here is an explanation what each line does: color 9E changes the screen color from grey text on black to bright yellow text on blue @echo off stops it from echoing the commands to the screen xcopy.... copies only those files and folders that are newer at the source than at the destination time /T >> c:\t.txt puts the time into the t.txt log date /T writes the date in there echo Rosie's ... writes a line of text as a break between groups of date and time, so that it's clear to which date the time belongs. type c:\txt writes the log to the screen pause pauses everything to let you see the log and asks for a key press Anybody new to bats: Write the bat with a plain text editor and save it as b.bat, not b.bat.txt, but as b.bat Then make a shortcut to it and drag the shortcut icon to the desktop. Change the icon to a fun and recognizable one. Have FUN! DearWebby Thanks to Ross for this one: I hate cuties like this one. I remember them during a dull sermon and start to chuckle. A Silent One An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?" He replies Put a new battery in your hearing aid." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Burned Caramel from a Pan While making caramel corn, I burned the bottom of my saucepan while making the syrup. I used hot water and Dawn to remove it. Put water and soap in the pan and boil on the stove for 10 minutes. The burned stuff came right off. By Pam from Milwaukee, WI Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.... The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again? He asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you sh.. on his head." AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? ___________________________________________________ | | Bird-Like Dinosaurs May Have Snuggled Together as They Slept 2017. |
___________________________________________________ Classic vasectomy: After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger doublewide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me" So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.... | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ While we are in memory lane... It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?" Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to please repeat himself. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'd screw all night if we let her!" A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out of the front door. About 20 minutes later, a very dishevelled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad, it's called the TWIST !" ____________________________________________________ | Today, August 26, in 55 B.C. Britain was invaded by Roman forces under Julius Caesar. 1498 Michelangelo was commissioned to make the "Pieta." 1842 The first fiscal year was established by the U.S. Congress to start on July 1st. 1847 Liberia was proclaimed as an independent republic. 1873 The school board of St. Louis, MO, authorized the first U.S. public kindergarten. 1896 In the Philippines an insurrection began against the Spanish government. 1920 The 19th amendment to the U.S. Constitution went into effect. The amendment prohibited discrimination on the basis of sex in the voting booth. 1934 Adolf Hitler demanded that France return the Saar region back to Germany. France had taken it after WWI. 1937 All Chinese shipping was blockaded by Japan. 1939 The first televised major league baseball games were shown. The event was a double-header between the Cincinnati Reds and the Brooklyn Dodgers. 1945 The Japanese were given surrender instructions on the U.S. battleship Missouri at the end of World War II. 1957 It was announced that an intercontinental ballistic missile was successfully tested by the Soviet Union. 1957 The first Edsel made by the Ford Motor Company rolled of the assembly line. 1961 The International Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto opened. 1973 A U.S. Presidential Proclamation was declared that made August 26th Women's Equality Day. 1978 Sigmund Jahn blasted off aboard the Russian Soyuz 31 and became the first German in space. 1981 The U.S. claimed that North Korea fired an antiaircraft missile at a U.S. Surveillance plane while it was over South Korea. 1987 The Fuller Brush Company announced plans to open two retail stores in Dallas, TX. The company that had sold its products door to door for 81 years. 1990 The 55 Americans at the U.S. Embassy in Kuwait left Baghdad by car and headed for the Turkish border. 1992 A "no-fly zone" was imposed on the southern 1/3 of Iraq. The move by the U.S., France and Britain was aimed at protecting Iraqi Shiite Muslims. 1998 The U.S. government announced that they were investigating Microsoft in an attempt to discover if they "bullied" Intel into delaying new technology. 2017 Do smiled. |
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