| Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, April 29 ___________________________________________________ History: Today, April 29 ___________________________________ Bonehead Award: Traffic stop leads to $290 K drug bust on I-39 _____________________________________________________ Q It's hard to take over the world when you sleep 20 hours a --- --- Darby Conley A sympathetic Scot summed it all up very neatly in the remark, "You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk dancing." --- Sir Arnold Bax (1883 - 1953) ______________________________________________________ THE DICTIONARY OF DATING ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children. EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married. EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get." INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months tog ether. LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is. NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown. SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse. ______________________________________________________ Sally purchased an answering machine with a prerecorded mes- sage that used a male voice. She chose not to record a new message. The next Saturday she was "screening" her calls. The phone rang and the machine answered... After the message, there was a pause and the caller hung up. The phone rang a second time -- the same result. Then the phone rang a third time, and the person said: "This is your mother, I think. If I am, please call me." ___________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ Sally purchased an answering machine with a prerecorded mes- sage that used a male voice. She chose not to record a new message. The next Saturday she was "screening" her calls. The phone rang and the machine answered... After the message, there was a pause and the caller hung up. The phone rang a second time -- the same result. Then the phone rang a third time, and the person said: "This is your mother, I think. If I am, please call me." ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural- history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?" One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union." ____________________________________________________ >From Joe When I was in high-school, Joel, a buddy of mine & I were discussing a girl from French class we had both befriended. Her family had recently relocated to the metro area from a farm way out in the sticks. We both agreed that we'd never met a sweeter girl before, but she was too naive and trusting. Joel said, "Listen, for her own good, and as her friends, we've got to teach her quickly what's right & what's wrong." I replied, "Agreed! You teach her what's right." ___________________________________________________ >From Lynn When it comes to wine I'm very particular about what I buy. There are two things I look for before making my selection. First, the word "Wine" must appear somewhere on the label. This is something I insist on. Second, I look for a sign nearby that says "On Sale." Follow these two rules and you won't go far wrong. ___________________________________________________ The Alarm program you once gave me got lost, when my computer died. Where do I find it? I am so used to it, I would hate to have to learn a new alarm program. Maria Dear Maria Yes 1997 to now with a perfect program does get you addicted. Alarm 2.0.7 Copyright (C) 1997-2013 David De Groot Updates and other freeware: http://bluefive.pair.com/ Frequently Asked Questions: http://bluefive.pair.com/faq.htm Download is at https://bluefive.pairsite.com/alarm.htm I have used it since 1997, nd have never even thought of replacing it. Have FUN! DearWebby ___________________________________________________ The president of the service club asked his new member, "Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?" The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law." __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _________________________________________________ Ana, South Africa ____________________________________________________ A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a politician were debating who was the world's first professional. The doctor said, "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?" "No," said the rabbi. ''It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world." "Wait," said the engineer, "The world was created in six days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized, civilized place from utter chaos?" "Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the politician. _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD reported by Rock, has been earned by Jovanny Castaneda 30, Durango, Mexico, USA Traffic stop leads to $290 K drug bust on I-39 A traffic stop on I-39 near Oglesby on Monday resulted in a big drug bust. The Tri-County Drug Enforcement Narcotics Team and LaSalle County deputies pulled over a vehicle for alleged improper lane use and improper display of registration. Police say a K9 smelled narcotics which led to officers finding about 17 pounds of purported cocaine and 7,000 purported fentanyl pills in a hidden compartment. The driver, 30-year-old Jovanny Castaneda of Durango, Mexico, was arrested and charged with possession of a controlled substance with intent to deliver. Police say the street value of the of the drugs is around $290,000. Casteneda was taken to the LaSalle County Jail in Ottawa where his bond is set at $2 million. They are hoping he will skip bail and save them a lot of court costs. _____________________________________________________ Today, April 29 in 1289, Qala'un, the Sultan of Egypt, captured Tripoli. 1429, Joan of Arc led Orleans, France, to victory over Britain. 1661, The Chinese Ming dynasty occupied Taiwan. 1672, King Louis XIV of France invaded the Netherlands. 1813, Rubber was patented by J.F. Hummel. 1852, The first edition of Peter Roget's Thesaurus was published. 1858, Austrian troops invaded Piedmont. 1861, The Maryland House of Delegates voted against seceding from Union. 1861, New Orleans fell to Union forces during the Civil War. 1864, Theta Xi was founded in Troy, New York. 1879, In Cleveland, OH, electric arc lights were used for the first time. 1913, Gideon Sundback patented an all-purpose zipper. 1916, Irish nationalists surrendered to British authorities in Dublin. 1918, Germany's Western Front offensive ended in World War I. 1924, An open revolt broke out in Santa Clara, Cuba. 1927, Construction of the Spirit of St. Louis was completed for Lindbergh. 1941, The Boston Bees agreed to change their name to the Braves. 1945, The German Army in Italy surrendered unconditionally to the Allies. 1945, In a bunker in Berlin, Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun were married. Hitler designated Admiral Karl Doenitz his successor. 1945, The Nazi death camp, Dachau, was liberated. 1946, Twenty-eight former Japanese leaders were indicted in Tokyo as war criminals. 1952, IBM President Thomas J. Watson, Jr., informed his company's stockholders that IBM was building "the most advanced, most flexible high-speed computer in the world." The computer was unveiled April 7, 1953, as the IBM 701 Electronic Data Processing Machine. 1974, U.S. President Nixon announced he was releasing edited transcripts of secretly made White House tape recordings related to the Watergate scandal. 1975, The U.S. embassy in Vietnam was evacuated as North Vietnamese forces fought their way into Saigon. 1984, In California, the Diablo Canyon nuclear reactor went online after a long delay due to protests. 1988, Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev promised more religious freedom. 1990, The destruction of the Berlin Wall began. 1992, Exxon executive Sidney Reso was kidnapped outside his Morris Township, NJ, home by Arthur Seale. Seale was a former Exxon security official. Reso died while in captivity. 1992, Rioting began after a jury decision to acquit four Los Angeles policemen in the Rodney King beating trial. 54 people were killed in 3 days. 1994, Israel and the PLO signed an agreement in Paris which granted Palestinians broad authority to set taxes, control trade and regulate banks under self-rule in the Gaza Strip and Jericho. 1996, Former CIA Director William Colby was missing and presumed drowned after an apparent boating accident in Maryland. Colby's body was later recovered. 1997, Staff Sgt. Delmar Simpson, a drill instructor at Aberdeen Proving Ground in Maryland, was convicted of raping six female trainees. He was sentenced to 25 years in prison and was dishonorably discharged. 1997, Astronaut Jerry Linenger and cosmonaut Vasily Tsibliyev went on the first U.S.-Russian space walk. 1998, The U.S., Canada and Mexico end tariffs on $1 billion in NAFTA trade. 1998, Brazil announced a plan to protect a large area of Amazon forest. The area was about the size of Colorado. 2002, Kelsey Grammer and his production company, Grammnet Inc., were ordered to pay more than $2 million in unpaid commissions to his former talent agency. 2003, Mr. T (Laurence Tureaud) filed a lawsuit against Best Buy Co. Inc., that claimed the store did not have permission to use his likeness in a print ad. 2009, NATO expelled two Russian diplomats from NATO headquarters in Brussels over a spy scandal in Estonia. Russia's Foreign Ministry criticized the expulsions. 2015, The White Sox beat the Baltimore Orioles 8-2 at Camden Yards. The game was played without a crowd present due to the ongoing riots and protests in Baltimore. This was the first time a Major League Baseball game was played in front of an empty house. 2023, Do smiled.
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