Good Morning, Do, Today is Wednesday, October 4 Beautiful full moon out on the crunchy snow. The surface melted a bit in the afternoon and got crispy crunchy when it cooled off in the evening. The wind died down, so walking is actually quite nice. The deer and the cougars are coming down into the valley and seem quite nervous about the noisy snow. When I get close, they freeze and watch until I am past them, then they break and run. Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Florida man fights deputies at Publix, is brought down by stun gun Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, Oct 4 in 1535 The first complete English translation of the Bible was printed in Zurich, Switzerland. 1957 The Soviet Union launched Sputnik I into orbit around the Earth. Sputnik was the first manmade satellite to enter space. Sputnik I fell out of orbit on January 4, 1958. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ A nation is a society united by delusions about its ancestry and by common hatred of its neighbors. ---- William Ralph Inge (1860 1954) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. ---- Herbert Spencer (1820 1903) An angler is a man who spends rainy days sitting around on the muddy banks of rivers, doing nothing, because his wife won't let him do it at home. ---- Socratex People with courage and character always seem sinister to the rest. ---- Hermann Hesse Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. ---- Woody Allen ------- Now, if the Senate got organized,... ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $5000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick: "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!" _____________________________________________________ Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?" Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get onto the ball!" _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ A golfer who was known for his bad temper walked into the pro shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of Woods. The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back. But the next time he came in, he was all smiles. "They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 10 yards farther than I could my last ones." ______________________________________________________ 36,000 feet, somewhere over Australia _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Bryan J. Walter, 21, Palm Beach Gardens, Florida Florida man fights deputies at Publix, is brought down by stun gun A Palm Beach Gardens man allegedly started an altercation with a Publix Super Market store manager, then fought with Palm Beach County sheriff's deputies when they attempted to handcuff him, according to an arrest report. Bryan J. Walter, 21, is facing charges of assault on an officer, battery, resisting an officer with violence and simple assault. He was being held early Thursday at the Palm Beach County Jail in lieu of $3,000 bail. Deputies were called to the Publix at The Crossroads at Royal Palm Beach shopping center, at Royal Palm Beach and Okeechobee boulevards, and witnessed Walters yelling at the store manager about an inch apart from the man's face, the report said. A deputy wrote in the report that he pushed Walter away because it appeared he was about to hit the store manager. Walter reacted by positioning his body as if he were going to fight the deputy, the report said. Told to stay back, Walter allegedly continued to advance toward the deputy. After being taken to the ground, Walter attempted to punch the deputy. A dart fired from a stun gun was used to immobilize and handcuff Walter, the report said. Records show that Walter was tased by a West Palm Beach police officer on June 2 and charged with misdemeanor battery. Walter allegedly pushed to the ground two employees of a West Palm Beach business and threatened an officer while stating he was carrying a gun. He was not. Walter was placed in a pretrial diversion program on Aug. 18 and ordered to perform community service and enroll in an anger-management class. After his latest arrest, Walter was ordered not to have any contact with Publix supermarkets. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Rose Re: Fonts too big Dear Webby, Lately my page ( everything on the page has been bigger then usually, is there a way I can make it smaller? Thank your for your advise. Rose Dear Rose Hold down the CTRL key, and turn the scroll wheel on your mouse. Depending on which way you roll the wheel, the fonts and pictures will zoom larger or smaller. Have FUN! DearWebby Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. "Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing non-stop. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of expensive perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Storing Lettuce Store lettuce with a paper towel and it will last longer. The paper towel will absorb moisture. If you are storing lettuce in a container, line the bottom of the container with a layer of paper towels. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ | | Can we autocorrect humanity? |
____________________________________________________ A handyman was working for a Synagogue had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work. First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there, he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Pittsburgh", and was thrown out. He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Philadelphia". He was tossed out. Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately". The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born"? The rabbi says, "Bethlehem". Cries the man. "I knew it was in Pennsylvania!". __________________________________________________ | | The forgotten tree house bars of bygone summers in Paris. |
___________________________________________________ France, with an unmeployment rate nearly as bad as it was in the US at the end of the Clinton era, is making the news with major labor unrest, demonstrations, and just enough colorful car burnings and minor looting to attract the news media. The only noticeable reaction to that in the US was that every comedian dug out all the old quotes and jokes about the French. Thanks to Sandie for sending me the best ones: "France has neither winter, nor summer, nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks, it is a fine country. It has usually been governed by prostitutes." --- Mark Twain ------------------------------ "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton ------------------------------ "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." --- General Norman Schwartzkopf ------------------------------ "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." --- Marge Simpson ------------------------------ "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." --- Jacques Chirac, President of France "As far as France is concerned, you're right." --- Rush Limbaugh ------------------------------ "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." --- Regis Philbin ------------------------------ "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." --- Conan O'Brien ------------------------------ "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France either." --- Jay Leno ------------------------------ "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." --- David Letterman ------------------------------ "What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?" --- Dennis Miller ------------------------------ "It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us." --- Alan Kent ------------------------------ "Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day --- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'" --- Rep. Roy Blunt, MO ------------------------------ "The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq." --- Dennis Miller ------------------------------ "Raise your right hand if you like the French. Raise both hands if you are French." --- Unknown ------------------------------ Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII? A. "Table for 10,000, m'sieur?" ------------------------------ "Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried." --- Rep R Blount, MO ------------------------------ "Did you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." --- John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv ------------------------------ The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military. ------------------------------ French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP), Paris The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney The decision comes the day after the nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists in army surplus camo pants. | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
Thanks to Martin for this report: We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a lady from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuuuuusssseee me." By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?" "No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen AND MINE IS IN THE CAR!" ____________________________________________________ A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation. Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called." | Today, October 4, in 1535 The first complete English translation of the Bible was printed in Zurich, Switzerland. 1648 The first volunteer fire department was established in New York by Peter Stuyvesant. 1777 At Germantown, PA, Patriot forces and British forces both suffer heavy losses in battle. The battle was seen as British victory, which actually served as a moral boost to the Americans. 1881 Edward Leveaux received a patent for the player piano. 1887 The Paris Herald Tribune was published for the first time. It was later known as the International Herald Tribune. 1893 The first professional football contract was signed by Grant Dibert for the Pittsburgh AC. 1895 The first U.S. Open golf tournament took place in Newport, RI. Horace Rawlins, 19 years old, won the tournament. 1909 The first airship race in the U.S. took place in St. Louis, MO. 1915 The Dinosaur National Monument was established. The area covered part of Utah and Colorado. 1927 The first actual work of carving began on Mount Rushmore. 1931 The comic strip "Dick Tracy" made its debut in the Detroit Daily Mirror. The strip was created by Chester Gould. 1933 "Esquire" magazine was published for the first time. 1940 Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini met in the Alps at Brenner Pass. Hitler was seeking help from Italy to fight the British, who had declared WWII after Hitler invaded Poland. 1948 The Railroad Hour" debuted on ABC radio. 1957 "Leave it to Beaver" debuted on CBS-TV. 1957 The Soviet Union launched Sputnik I into orbit around the Earth. Sputnik was the first manmade satellite to enter space. Sputnik I fell out of orbit on January 4, 1958. 1958 British Overseas Airways Corporation became the first jetliner to offer trans-Atlantic service to passengers with flights between London, England and New York. 1965 Pope Paul VI addressed the U.N. General Assembly and became the first reigning pontiff to visit the Western Hemisphere. 1981 Bruce Jenner and Harry Belafonte debuted in their first dramatic roles in NBC-TV's "Grambling's White Tiger". 1987 NFL owners used replacement personnel to play games despite the player's strike. 1990 The German parliament had its first meeting since reunification. 1992 The 16-year civil war in Mozambique ended. 1993 Russian Vice-President Alexander Rutskoi and Chairman Ruslan Khasbulatov surrendered to Boris Yeltsin after a ten- hour tank assault on the Russian White House. The two men had barricaded themselves in after Yeltsin called for general elections and dissolved the legislative body. 1993 Dozens of Somalis dragged an American soldier through the streets of Mogadishu. A videotape showed Michael Durant being taken prisoner by Somali militants. 1994 South African President Nelson Mandela was welcomed to the White House by U.S. President Clinton. 1997 Hundreds of thousands of men attended a Promise Keepers rally on the Mall in Washington, DC. 1998 The Vincent Van Gogh exhibit opened in Washington, DC. The exhibit featured 70 paintings. 1998 Davis Gaines performed as the Phantom in the show "Phantom of the Opera" for the 2,000th time. 2001 NATO granted the United States open access to their airfields and seaports and agreed to deploy ships and early- warning radar planes in the war on terrorism. 2001 In Washington, DC, Reagan National Airport re-opened. The airport had been closed since the terrorist attacks on the United States on September 11, 2001. 2004 SpaceShipOne reached an altitude of 368,000 feet. It was the first privately built, manned rocket ship to fly in space twice within a two week window. The ship won the Ansari X Prize of $10 million dollars for their success. 2017 Do smiled. |
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