Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, Sept 5 ___________________________________________________ Q The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. --- Herbert Spencer (1820 - 1903) There is not any memory with less satisfaction than the memory of some temptation we resisted. --- James Branch Cabell (1879 - 1958) ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award 10-year-old child caught driving on Loop 101 with drunk father in the passenger seat ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ History on this day, Sept 5, in 1914, The Battle of the Marne began. The Germans, British and French fought for six days, killing half a million people. ___________________________________________________ When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces." "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and find suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!" "Yes, we use Windows." replied Peter, "The Titanic crashed only ONCE." __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Guy goes to the gates of heaven where he meets St. Peter. St.Peter says to him, "God has looked at your book of life and you are welcome in heaven under one condition." The man says, "What's that?" St. Peter says "You must spell the word 'Love'." So he does and he is let in to heaven. As he gets in, St. Peter's beeper goes off. He tells the man to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell a word. Next thing you know, his wife shows up at the gate and he asks her what she is doing there? She says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and she died. The husband says alright, but you do have to spell one word first before you come in to heaven. She asks "What's that?" He says "Spell Czechoslovakia" __________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?" "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly. "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None." The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?" "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!" --------------- I quit that silly diet before I started it, and outlived that dotor. ___________________________________________________ Here's a tip to avoid death by celebrity: First off, get a life. They can't touch you if you're out doing something interesting. --- Kent Nichols and Douglas Sarine __________________________________________________ R E S U M E B O O - B O O S How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some reportedly real life examples: "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakabl" "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting." "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet." "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." "I am a rabid typist." "Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side." "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business." "Proven ability to track down and correct erars." "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far." "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one." "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me." "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer." "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers." "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." "I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant." "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemail." "Qualifications: No education or experience." "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets." "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department." "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!" Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!" ___________________________________________________ When your wife says, "What do you think?" she is not asking for YOUR opinion. She is asking for HER opinion, from your mouth. __________________________________________________ "The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends," the girl told her maiden Aunt. "Now I know what to do with a lover, but what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?" The wise old lady smiled and said, "The same as with your lover, dearie, only not quite so often." _____________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Brandy RE: How long do memory chips last Dear Webby, I have never had a problem with camera memory chips, but I worry about how long they last. What is your verdick? Brandy Dear Brandy I have never seen or read about any of them go bad. They just get misplaced and lost. Simply establish a STRICT protocol to ensure that they are always put into the ziplock baggie taped to the side of the monitor or computer or fridge or some other, very specific and stationary place. NOT your purse, or anything you might accidentally leave at the coffee shop or bar or bus! Initially that might seem a nuisance, but when you hear about other people losing their chips, you will realize the value of that habit. Have FUN! DearWebby ________________________________________________ An attendant on a cross-country flight nervously announced: "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners." When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat, will receive free drinks for the length of the flight." Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone of you singing drunks wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!" ---------------- That was in the good old days, when they served real meals, not just a baggie of peanuts. _____________________________________________________ Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age. --- William Feather (1908 - 1976) _____________________________________________________ >From Janice When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat rooms, I worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do schoolwork until I returned home at 5p.m. One day at 4:30 I decided to check up on him. Using my office computer, I went on- line and entered his favorite chat room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list of current participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson in front of his cyber friends. "Jared," I typed, "this is your mother, and you are grounded for two weeks!" "Hi, Mrs. Beyeler," came a reply. "This is David. Jared's doing homework right now, and he said I could use his computer. But I'll be sure to let him know that he's been grounded." ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! ____________________________________________________ Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Arnold Schwarzenegger, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight- lifting department. "Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day." "I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out. "Please, Dad?" "They're not cheap either." "I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see." Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door. From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!" ___________________________________________________ John says, "I received a party invitation last night and it plainly said 'Black Tie' only. But when I got there, everyone was wearing suits too!" ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! ____________________________________________ When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces." "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and find suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!" "Yes, we use Windows." replied Peter, "The Titanic crashed only ONCE." ____________________________________________________ Guy goes to the gates of heaven where he meets St. Peter. St.Peter says to him, "God has looked at your book of life and you are welcome in heaven under one condition." The man says, "What's that?" St. Peter says "You must spell the word 'Love'." So he does and he is let in to heaven. As he gets in, St. Peter's beeper goes off. He tells the man to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell a word. Next thing you know, his wife shows up at the gate and he asks her what she is doing there? She says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and she died. The husband says alright, but you do have to spell one word first before you come in to heaven. She asks "What's that?" He says "Spell Czechoslovakia" _____________________________________________________ When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up to my register with a package of white athletic socks. "Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?" she asked. Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, "I like them." Relieved, I started to ring her up, until she interrupted me. "Can I have another pack? This one's been opened." So I shut down my till, grabbed the opened package, and went for lunch. ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _______________________________________________ A Bonehead award has been reported by Rock Alvaro Ovando Alvarez, 49, In Jail now Arizona, USA 10-year-old child caught driving on Loop 101 with drunk father in the passenger seat A concerned citizen called 911 to report a child driving a red pick-up truck on Loop 101 in Scottsdale who appeared to be speeding. What they saw was right, Arizona DPS says. On Sept. 2 just around 3:38 p.m., a trooper responded to the report near Scottsdale Road. The trooper tried to stop the driver after seeing them "changing lanes unsafely in violation of traffic law." The driver didn't stop, so the trooper initiated a pursuit at 3:44 p.m. "The driver stopped in the right emergency lane at milepost 26, prior to the 7th Street off-ramp, at approximately 3:47 p.m.," DPS spokesperson Raul Garcia said. The trooper confirmed the driver was 10 years old. In the passenger seat was his 49-year-old father, Alvaro Ovando Alvarez. Alvarez was booked into 4th Avenue Jail and is accused of child abuse, endangerment, aggravated DUI, possessing an open container of alcohol, and unlawfully permitting a minor to drive. The child is not in trouble. __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the humor letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work, please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! __________________________________________________ History Today Sept 5, in 1698, Russia's Peter the Great imposed a tax on beards. 1774, The first session of the U.S. Continental Congress convened in Philadelphia. The delegates drafted a declaration of rights and grievances, organized the Continental Association, and elected Peyton Randolph as the first president of the Continental Congress. 1793, In France, the "Reign of Terror" began. The National Convention enacted measures to repress the French Revolutionary activities. 1836, Sam Houston was elected as the first president of the Republic of Texas. 1877, Sioux chief Crazy Horse was killed by the bayonet of a U.S. soldier. The chief allegedly resisted confinement to a jail cell. 1881, The American Red Cross provided relief for disaster for the first time. The disaster was the Great Fire of 1881 in Michigan. 1882, The first U.S. Labor Day parade was held in New York City. 1885, Jake Gumper bought the first gasoline pump to be manufactured in the U.S. 1900, France proclaimed a protectorate over Chad. 1905, The Treaty of Portsmouth was signed by Russia and Japan to end the Russo-Japanese War. The settlement was mediated by U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt in New Hampshire. 1914, The Battle of the Marne began. The Germans, British and French fought for six days killing half a million people. 1917, Federal raids were carried out in 24 cities on International Workers of the World (IWW) headquarters. The raids were prompted by suspected anti-war activities within the labor organization. 1930, Charles Creighton and James Hagris completed the drive from New York City to Los Angeles and back to New York City all in reverse gear. The trip took 42 days in their 1929 Ford Model A. 1938, The NBC Red network broadcast "Life Can Be Beautiful" for the first time. 1939, The U.S. proclaimed its neutrality in World War II. 1945, Iva Toguri D'Aquino was arrested. D'Aquino was suspected of being the wartime radio propagandist "Tokyo Rose". She served six years and was later pardoned by U.S. President Ford. 1953, The first privately operated atomic reactor opened in Raleigh, NC. 1957, Jack Kerouac's "On the Road" was first published. 1958, The first color videotaped program was aired. It was "The Betty Freezor Show" on WBTV-TV in Charlotte, NC. 1958, Boris Pasternak's "Doctor Zhivago" was published for the first time in the U.S. 1960, Cassius Clay of Louisville, KY, won the gold medal in light heavyweight boxing at the Olympic Games in Rome, Italy. Clay later changed his name to Muhammad Ali. 1961, The U.S. government made airline hijacking a federal offense. 1977, The U.S. launched Voyager . 1980, The St. Gothard Tunnel opened in Switzerland. It is the world's longest highway tunnel at 10.14 miles long. 1982, Eddie Hill set a propeller-driven boat water speed record when he reached 229 mph. 1983, U.S. President Reagan denounced the Soviet Union for shooting down a Korean Air Lines. Reagan demanded that the Soviet Union pay reparations for the act that killed 269 people. 1983, "Sports Illustrated" became the first national weekly magazine to use four-color process illustrations on every page. 1984, The space shuttle Discovery landed after its maiden voyage. 1984, Mortimer Zuckerman purchased the newsmagazine, "U.S. News & World Report" for $163 million. 1985, Rioting in South Africa spilled into white neighborhoods for the first time. 1986, NASA launched DOD-1. 1990, Iraqi President Saddam Hussein urged for a Holy War against the West and former allies. 1991, Soviet lawmakers created an interim government to usher in the confederation after dissolving the U.S.S.R. The new name the Union of Sovereign States was taken. 1992, A General Motors Corporation strike ended with a new agreement being approved. Nearly 43,000 workers were on strike. 1995, France set off an underground nuclear blast in the South Pacific. 2003, In London, magician David Blaine entered a clear plastic box and then suspended by a crane over the banks of the Thames River. He remained there until October 19 surviving only on water. 2023, Do smiled.
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