How Andrew Cuomo's daughters can make us all better parents -- and people

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I can't stop thinking about Andrew Cuomo's daughters. I've never met them, I know virtually nothing about them, and before Tuesday I could probably not have even named the three of them without a little help from Dr. Google. But I'm declaring Cara, Mariah and Michaela Cuomo the most important figures in the news this week, based on their father's invocation of them 14-and-a-half minutes into his 21-minute, deeply flawed, half-apology resignation announcement.

"In many ways, I see the world through the eyes of my daughters," he said. "I have lived this experience with and through them. I have sat on the couch with them, hearing the ugly accusations for weeks. I've seen the look in their eyes, and the expression on their faces, and it hurt." He called them his "three jewels," and added: "My greatest goal is for them to have a better future than the generation before them."

What I've learned since then (thank you, Google) is that the twins are 26; Cara graduated from Harvard and works as head of diversity for something called Inclusion Summits, Mariah went to Brown and has worked in human rights and social media.

Perhaps most interesting, given the accusations against their father, is 23-year-old Michaela's involvement in the #MeToo movement: at Brown, she was a sexual assault peer educator, founded a group called CUSP: Cultivating Upstanders for Sexual assault Prevention, and wrote an article warning that survivors can be "continuously victimized through institutional gaslighting." More recently, she produced "How are we really," a project about survivors of interpersonal violence; one image of Michaela online shows her with "STILL NOT ASKING 4 IT" written in black marker on her upper chest, a declaration that women's clothing choices are never an invitation for unwanted advances.

The Cuomo daughters: Cara, Mariah, and Michaela. From YouTube video

Imagine Andrew Cuomo sitting on the couch with Michaela as the devastating Attorney General's report detailing accusations of his harassment and abuse of at least 11 women hit the news.

Jewish tradition is clear, from the Ten Commandments down through generations of rabbinic teachings, on the importance of honoring one's parents. But what of honoring our children? What are our responsibilities to our offspring, beyond having them (be fruitful and multiply) and the basics of food and shelter? Our patriarchs and matriarchs were certainly not the best parenting role models, what with all the nonsense in Genesis about choosing a favorite child for birthrights and blessings, not to mention the binding of Isaac. We talk a lot about teaching our children; Andrew Cuomo reminded us that teaching is as much about what we do as what we say.

It's another life lesson that has been magnified by the pandemic. One of the side effects of working and schooling from home has been the inevitable integration of the various elements of our lives, and the distinct strains of our personas. When my kids wander down to my basement office to ask about a snack or a ride, they often overhear me interviewing a job candidate or leading a team meeting or talking to a communal leader or complaining to a customer-service representative. They'll later -- sometimes much later -- mention something from these eavesdropped moments, something I didn't realize they'd remember and maybe didn't even realize I was saying.

It's a great mirror back on my behavior, a check on if I'm being my best self -- the person I want to be for my children -- even when I'm stressed or frustrated or overwhelmed. They notice if I talk differently to a subordinate or a superior or a stranger. We're not just role models showing our kids, say, how to "honor thy parents" or do other specific mitzvot, we're role models in how we work, how we lead, how we live.

"God told me I was a feminist when he gave me three daughters."

– ANDREW CUOMO

This is new for most people, since work used to happen far away and behind closed doors and during set hours. But it's been true forever for public figures like Andrew Cuomo. He is hardly the first scandal-scarred politician to step aside with a specific apology about how his behavior hurt his family. And examining how such people parent has long been a legitimate lens into their character.

Maybe I can't stop thinking about Cuomo's kids, especially Michaela, because I am the youngest of three girls myself. A few years ago, Cuomo said at a rally for abortion rights, "God told me I was a feminist when he gave me three daughters." It's very similar to something I've said frequently about my own fairly old-fashioned father.

I often wonder: if he'd had the son he'd so deeply hoped to name after his beloved grandfather, Yitzhak Yehoshua, would there have been different expectations for the boy and the girls around education, Jewish practice, balancing parenting and work? No way to know, of course. What we do know is that he pushed his Orthodox shul to make space for us to have "Bat Torahs" as we turned 13, and that we all went to elite colleges and built serious careers and have taken leadership roles in our egalitarian synagogues.

"My daughters have more talent and natural gifts than I ever had," Andrew Cuomo said, sounding a lot like my dad. "I want to make sure that society allows them to fly as high as their wings will carry them. There should be no assumptions, no stereotypes, no limitations."

Amen to that. But to get there, we have to live that -- in public and in private, whether we are national leaders or line workers just trying to juggle Zoom calls and carpools. We're sitting on the couch, real or metaphorical, with our kids, always. They'll honor us when we honor them.

Shabbat Shalom! Send me your questions/feedback: [email protected]

Your Weekend Reads

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Speaking of Andrew Cuomo, our opinion editor, Laura E. Adkins, had a smart look at how his apology fails the teshuvah test, which involves a lot more than saying "I'm sorry."

You'll find that essay in our this week's printable magazine, along with profiles of Don Francisco, the most-watched Jew in TV history and of Disney star Raviv Ullman; articles about a Biblical theme park, a Yiddish theater and a dilapidated old shul; and a report on how the Shabbat sermon may be another casualty of the coronavirus.

Join the Conversation

EVENT | ISRAEL THERAPY @ 11:30 a.m. ET WEDNESDAY

The last of our three "therapy sessions" co-hosted by the Temple Emanu-El Streicker Center will focus on the U.S.-Israel relationship. Chief therapist Libby Lenkinski and I will be joined by Ginna Green, co-host of our new Jewish advice podcast, "A Bintel Brief;" Noam Shuster-Eliassi, an Israeli comedian and activist; and Rabbi Josh Weinberg of the Union for Reform Judaism. Click here to register.

Watch: "LIVE from Jerusalem"

It's been called the hardest job in journalism, and is certainly among the most heavily scrutinized. I spent nearly four years as Jerusalem bureau chief of The New York Times, and this panel I hosted, with Ethan Bronner, Daniel Estrin and Janina Zacharia, had a collective total of nearly 50 reporting from the region. It was a fascinating conversation about fairness, truth, audience and identity.

Your Turn: Antisemitism

Two weeks ago, I wrote about the most antisemitic thing that ever happened to me, and asked you, our readers, to share the same. Some 200 of you sent anecdotes of offensive remarks, stereotypes, discrimination and even physical attacks that spanned decades. A recurring theme was the specific detail with which you recalled these incidents along with a lot of self-reflection about how you did or did not respond.

It "made me think about the preparation that is needed," Michael Eliastam of Wayland, Mass., wrote to me after reading the article showcasing these responses. "Something like the conversations that Black parents must have with their children before they are alone on the street. Is there a Jewish conversation that we need to have with our children?"

Now, we're asking clergy and synagogue presidents how they're handling decisions about High Holiday services given the Delta/COVID surge. Click here to share your shul's story.

News from the Newsroom

I'm going on vacation -- a week with extended family in Nag's Head, North Carolina, and a week back here doing.....whatever -- so "Looking Forward" will not be in your inbox the next two Fridays. I look forward to seeing you back here on Sept. 3!

We're also saying "L'hitraot" to two summer interns, Rachel Hale and Rebecca Salzhauer, who are soon heading back to the University of Wisconsin (Rachel) and Yale (Rebecca). They've both been great additions to our team -- and to our report.

Among many standout articles, Rachel explored the complicated landscape Jewish camps faced this summer in talking about Israel after the latest Gaza war, and revealed that the face behind the "old Jewish men" Internet craze was not actually Jewish. Rebecca, for her part, told us how the heck a ham got a kosher certificate, talked to Tovah Feldshul about "Becoming Dr. Ruth," and rode a bus to an antisemitism rally in Washington with a group from Manhattan. Todah rabah!

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