Football Daily is feeling a bit green around the gills. It’s nothing to do with the eight cans of Pre-Season Optimism, our new favourite 9.2% Alcohol By Volume India Pale Ale, that disappeared last night. It’s because we’ve been instructed to watch this bleedin’ transfer merry-go-round for the last month and we’re starting to get a headache! That and the dehydration anyway. The merry-go-round will continue for another fortnight, but at least we’ll soon have some real football to distract us from the increasingly unnerving sight of a Sky Sports News panel discussing whether a player who hasn’t signed yet – and probably never will – has the ability to score 45 goals before the schools go back.

For now, transfers, done and undone, are all we’ve got to offer. Let’s start with the news that the first human slide tackle, Aaron Wan-Bissaka, has joined West Ham on a – what’s this now – seven-year contract after leaving Manchester United. “It’s an amazing feeling to be back in London and I’m excited for what’s coming,” whooped Wan-Bissaka. “I was born here and I know the ins and outs of London, which plays a big part in my life, so to be back playing in this city means a lot to me.”

United are preparing medicals for Matthijs de Ligt and Noussair Mazraoui, who will join from Bayern Munich and take the total of former Eredivisie players signed by Erik ten Hag to a full XI. (Admittedly this list includes Mason Mount, who spent a season on loan at Vitesse Arnhem in 2017-18, but there’s a narrative to peddle here!) Actually, we’re not judging Ten Hag’s transfer policy, just making an observation. But we will be worried if he addresses United’s leaky midfield by proudly unveiling the boy who put his finger in the dike.

At the risk of giving somebody an eye-wideningly lucrative podcast idea, the rest is gossip. Newcastle are waiting for a response to their third bid for Crystal Palace centre-back Marc Guéhi, Conor Gallagher is doing shuttle runs in limbo after his move to Atlético Madrid went south, Manchester United still want Manuel Ugarte to put his finger in said dike. And Chelsea are still trying to find somebody who can score 45 goals before the schools go back.

Milk Cup is back, baby, and so too is Daniel Harris for some hot clockwatch coverage of the first-round action from 7.30pm BST.

“These attacks, in addition to being deeply hurtful, reflect a mentality not in line with the values of respect and empathy that we should promote as a society. I reiterate that I will not remain silent in the face of prejudice” – Manchester United and Brazil forward Geyse reveals she has received homophobic abuse after sharing pictures of herself with her female partner online.

Great to see my grandfather popping up in the Football Daily recently with a snippet about his days as Kettering Town’s mascot (Friday’s Memory Lane, full email edition). Very much a self-appointed mascot too. Known to everyone as Tug, he spent more than a decade clad in a red friar’s habit, patrolling the touchline at Rockingham Road while clanking an old air-raid warden’s bell. Tug enjoyed unrestricted access to the home dressing room too, or so he decided, and even joined in goal celebrations. The brush with officialdom mentioned (yesterday’s Football Daily letters) was by no means his only clash with a referee – on another occasion the game was stopped to give him a talking to, as his dashes down the wing were confusing a linesman into raising his flag. Truly they don’t make them like that any more. Cheers” – Peter Wilson.

I’m puzzled as to why Yves Bissouma was recorded inhaling nitrous oxide (yesterday’s News, Bits and Bobs, full email edition). Surely two seasons watching the Spurs defence at close quarters would have produced sufficient side-splitting hilarity without needing to turn to artificial help” – Alan Giles.

Send letters to [email protected]. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Peter Wilson. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.

How are Arsenal going to get one over on Manchester City this season? Pickpockets, of course. Cue David Squires.

Sometimes some things are so bad they become essential to watch, to read, to click on, to listen to. And you would know, as the subscriber to Football Daily. But like slowing down to rubberneck a minor road prang or watching a clip of Steve McClaren’s upcoming Jamaican accent, it seemed impossible to avert one’s eyes from Garth Crooks’ attempts at compiling a feasible Premier League team of the week for the BBC, with the former forward’s picks often in the wrong positions or in an outrageous formation. Wolves’ Matt Doherty in midfield? Oh, go on then. Alexis Sánchez and Marko Arnautovic as wing-backs? Yes, please! Senseless anecdotes about penalties and merlot that have nothing to do with his selections? Ambassador, you really are spoiling us! And so, we are sad to report that Crooks is stepping down and will be replaced by Troy Deeney, who seems determined to make his picks a more serious, drab affair.

“I was lucky enough to make Garth’s team of the week on a couple of occasions during my Watford days, although it has to be said I was not always put in the position where I had played on the pitch,” tooted Deeney on getting the job. “When I helped Watford beat Arsenal in the FA Cup quarter-finals in 2016, he picked me but used me as a holding midfielder instead of a striker. That was a new one on me, to be honest! I know Garth was famous for sometimes choosing unusual formations like that, but I am going to do things a bit differently. In my team, I promise players will be in their correct positions for starters.” Boooo! Down with earnest football opinions. Embrace the chaos. Crooks was either an elite wind-up merchant or tactical visionary. We don’t really care which, but the internet is a poorer place without his team of the week.

Manchester City’s hearing into those 115 alleged breaches of Premier League financial regulations could now be heard as early as next month.

The British Olympic Association wants a Great Britain men’s team competing at the Los Angeles Games in 2028. Good luck with that one.

Martín Zubimendi has chosen to stay in San Sebastián with Real Sociedad instead of switching to Liverpool.

Häcken’s top scorer last season, the Sweden forward Rosa Kafaji, has done one to London, joining Arsenal on a long-term deal.

Also on the move: former Spurs target Antonio Nusa is Leipzig-bound from Club Brugge on a five-year contract.

And Burnley are off and running in the Championship with a 4-1 thumping of Luton. “The most important thing is us all getting on the same train,” cheered Clarets station-master Scott Parker. “This is a team that has been relegated, I have been in that situation and there is a psychological element to go from that to try and become a winning machine. There’s going to be lots of bumps in the road but the most important thing is that we stick together.”

The Premier League previews roll on with … No 13: Manchester City. Will Pep Guardiola break another deemed-to-be-impossible record and win a fifth consecutive title? And No 14: Manchester United. What will the true start of the Big Sir Jim Ratcliffe era bring?

And keep up to speed with all of the latest summer moves in our men’s and women’s transfer interactives.

Sticking with the facial furniture theme, we present the former England international John Goodall, who turned out for a host of clubs including Preston, Derby, New Brighton Tower, Watford and Welsh outfit Mardy, along with playing first-class cricket for Derbyshire, which this picture from – we think – 1895 represents. He died in 1942 aged 78.