How to describe the results of the inaugural draw of the “Swiss system” Big Cup? Big Website’s Niall McVeigh summed it up best in his liveblog post from 6.07pm on Thursday: “Girona will play Liverpool (H), PSG (A), Arsenal (H), Milan (A), Feyenoord (H), PSV (A), Slovan Bratislava (H), Sturm Graz (A). It feels like I’ve written Slovan Bratislava about 300 times.” To drill down further, each team plays eight matches, four at home, four away, but nobody plays each other home and away. However, they will almost certainly face Slovan Bratislava. Why? More games, more TV money, stupid. This ain’t no group stage, it’s the regular season.

After years of complaining, and the tinfoil lickers questioning the algorithms of the computer that coughs out fixtures, despite Uefa wonks’ claim that Deep Thought can survive any cyberattack – just don’t lower the forcefield for betting or bongo – we’ll probably get used to it. The actual problem is too much football all the time, despite the dopamine receptors needing the hit of knowing that someone, somewhere is showing Slovan Bratislava versus Dinamo Zagreb. Arsenal fans will just have to get used to those annual trips to see their team gubbed in Munich.

It’s always a worry when the suits go showbiz, showbiz, showbiz. Even worse when they discover irony. So when Uefa decided to own the utter silliness of the most pointless trans-continental round-robin since Henry Kelly read out his final Going for Gold autocue, a high-concept video was developed. Using a CBS production team, the fourth wall was broken by some major stars pretending to be confused. Gigi Buffon leads the way, a gurning Robbie Keane confirms he was never likely to be a Paul Mescal, and Kate Abdo, shorn of Thierry Henry, Jamie Carragher and Micah Richards, shows off her am-dram skills.

To the rescue? Chief suit Aleksander Ceferin, looking rather like Robert Carlyle in a high-tempo thriller in which no one is innocent, is cast as the man to bring sense to the situation. Someone’s clearly been looking at Gianni Infantino’s ventures behind the celebrity curtain and wanting a piece of the action. Where’s Ceferin’s Salt Bae? Why doesn’t Tom Cruise answer his calls? Will this help his chances of re-election, even though he’s said he won’t be standing? Of course, every leading man needs a sidekick to bounce off, and Zlatan Ibrahimovic, the Hollywood years clearly rubbing off, carries the show home before leaving “Mr President” as victor of a frankly negligible caper. Though perhaps one question can be raised here: is Big Zlat eyeing Ceferin’s job? That cannot be ruled out.

Follow the moves – and b@ntz – on deadline day with out team of writers all the way through to 11pm BST, when the transfer window slams shut, baby!

We had Hagrid, Voldemort, two Harry Potters, a couple of wizards. The day was fantastic. Somehow at three o’clock in the morning I was on the dancefloor with some of your players and staff” – Aaron Ramsdale on how a magic night with promotion-winning Southampton players in May convinced him to get his fancy dress on and check in at St Mary’s.

With all the excitement (irony klaxon!) of the Big Cup draw and attendant nonsense, I missed that Joe Murphy had his annual Worthington’s runout for Tranmere during the week. He’s been on a rolling 12-month playing contract at Prenton Park for a while now, alongside his ongoing role as goalkeeping coach. The match was also a reunion, of course, because, as a fresh-faced 18-year-old, Joe was Tranmere’s goalkeeper when they lost 2-1 to Leicester in the 2000 Worthington’s (for real) final. He is now the last active player in English senior football to have played at the old Wembley. A crumbling but fondly remembered relic of a more innocent time that had long outlived its intended function and badly needed replacing, Ian Marshall came on as a sub that day too” – Mike Slattery.

‘Good work from Oli McBurnie to set up the goal’ and ‘a good challenge on Mbappé from Scott McKenna’ are really not things you expect to hear on the commentary in a Real Madrid game. However, a doff of the cap to both of them for not only getting to play professional football, but playing surprisingly well and getting to do it at Las Palmas in the Canary Islands. They’ve won at life” – Noble Francis.

Chelsea can claim something that Real Madrid will never match. Show us your Big Vase and Tin Pot medals, losers!” – Krishna Moorthy.

Send letters to [email protected]. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Mike Slattery. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.

Perhaps by the time you read this chortlesome circular the transfer window will have slammed shut. And perhaps in those final hours of yellow-ticker frenzy, someone is likely to have done something silly. It’s likely to be Chelsea, though they have already laid a marker and raised eyebrows with the “sale” of Deivid Washington to Strasbourg in Ligue 1 for £17.7m. Washington was bought from Santos for £17.1m, a year ago. He has played just 25 minutes for Chelsea, yet those smart operators at Stamford Bridge have shunted him for a profit. Well done, everyone! Trebles all round! Though just who is paying for those trebles? Strasbourg happen to be owned by the same BlueCo consortium as, er, Chelsea. Earlier this week, goalkeeper Djordje Petrovic, headed to the same club on loan from Chelsea as Enzo Maresca continues to clear out the unnecessarily named “bomb squad”. Modern football, bloody hell.

New Squires coming …

Arsenal are considering a move for Raheem Sterling after Chelsea offered the big-earning winger around like a slightly dry but still pretty tasty canapé. Meanwhile, new signing Mikel Merino has got off to a flyer, knacking a shoulder in his first training session so that he faces “a few weeks” out.

Manchester United have been dealt a reunion with José Mourinho, who manages Fenerbahce these days, in this season’s Big Vase With A Swiss Twist. They will also face Rangers who, in turn, will play Tottenham.

Shamrock Rovers await Chelsea in Tin Pot’s group stages, while the Blues also face a tactical 5-1-2-by-2 challenge against Armenian outfit Noah.

Eddie Howe has told Newcastle fans that the trophy room is not likely to need an extension any time soon. “We have got to build our revenue streams, bring more money into the club,” he sniffed. “The dream [of silverware] is not over, it is just going to take a lot, lot, longer.”

Lee Carsley reckons doing the hard yards as a coach has helped keep his pulse rate low after being thrust into the England job as interim manager. “I’ve built really strong foundations from driving the minibus at Coventry for the under-18s to doing the under-15s on a Wednesday night to coaching the college team at Solihull on a Wednesday afternoon to where I am today,” he soothed. “That’s why I don’t feel overawed.”

And Pep Guardiola reckons Manchester City have taken a risk by not moving to replace Julián Alvarez. “We saw what we have, if we have many, many injuries it will be a problem,” he sniffed, presumably vexed by the prospect of only winning the league by five points.

Can WSL fantasy football be anything like the success of its Premier League equivalent? Tom Garry dives in.

After his Anfield switch, Federico Chiesa has another chance to live up to the hype, reckons Nicky Bandini.

Sid Lowe loves a timestamp. And the 81min 35sec mark is now Olmo time. And who needs Kylian Mbappé when you have Oli McBurnie?

Will Trossard start? How much longer can Dyche keep a brave face on? These two and eight more in our 10 things to look out for in the Premier League.

And the twice-yearly big Website hospital pass of an assignment: The Transfer Deadline Day Rumour Mill. At least half of it already looks a week out of date.

Manchester United’s Eric Cantona shows off his, erm, art back in June 1995. Is that a dollar sign or just a messy Superman logo? Whatever it is, there are strong Madchester vibes.