Saturday night was a big night in for football hipsters. The Copa Libertadores final had it all, with Brazil’s Fluminense beating Boca 2-1 in extra-time at the Maracanã. The winning goalscorer, John Kennedy, presumably named after the late president rather than the much-admired Celtic assistant manager, was sent off for his celebration. After a match that paired thuggery with magic, drama with violence, this was football as it used to be and still ought to be, it was generally agreed among those with a craft beer subscription and Olympique de Marseille Panasonic-era replica shirts. Hold my Madrí said the Premier League, however, for Monday Night Football threw up the type of encounter football hacks dearly love to give the prefix “The Battle Of”.

In Our League terms, Tottenham v Chelsea was up there with 2004’s Ferguson v Wenger Battle of the Buffet, where most of the real action, up-ended trestle tables and flung Sloppy Giuseppes, took place off-camera. It was probably the equal of its forerunner, 2016’s Battle of the Bridge, when Mauricio Pochettino – giving it the full “hold me back” – played Harald Hardrada to Guus Hiddink’s Harold Godwinson. Perhaps Cristian Romero had been watching the Libertadores final. Destiny Udogie, too, because once they started throwing in reckless challenges, Tottenham’s previously serene progress to a win and extended unbeaten run came to a farcical end. Whatever happened to Ange Postecoglou’s chilled-out entertainers? A pleasant flamin’ session down the Waterhole had turned into Mad Max: Fury Road, with key defenders chucking out vicious reducers and even cheery old Ange taking on the growling persona of Bennett off Commando. There were casualties, too, with hamstring-twang for Micky van de Ven and ankle-knack for James Maddison.

Whisper it, and don’t tell Mikel Arteta, but nasty old VAR played a full part in the drama, ruling out five goals. Things got very heated and only UN peace envoy Emerson Royal stopped Levi Colwill going on his own tear-up. Those in the Stockley Park videodrome took understandable time over getting decisions mostly right. Even those that were debatable went the way of adding to the fun. Romero, Udogie and also Reece James were all let off for offences that probably should have led to an earlier squeeze of the Wash & Go than the Tottenham pair eventually took. Hey, Howard Webb likes a bloody laugh too, alright?

Spurs being down to nine men meant pressure was soaking Chelsea’s shirts with the fear of not actually winning. They repeatedly fell victim to an offside trap triggered by Eric Dier stepping backwards into his own half. Eventually, Nicolas Jackson’s enthusiasm was rewarded by a hat-trick taken with such uncertainty it made Darwin Núñez look like Gerd Müller. Risk and reward is Big Ange’s big thing. “If we go down to five men we will have a go,” he roared, tantalisingly hinting his team might get more chaotic yet. For Chelsea there was blessed relief, while immediate post-match talk floated the idea of a “moral victory” for Spurs, their nine men roared from the field. Can a moral victory feature such reckless indiscipline? Or had they just streamlined the essence of Tottenham Hotspur FC into 111 wild minutes?

Join Scott Murray at 5.45pm GMT for updates on Borussia Dortmund 2-2 Newcastle, while John Brewin will keep you up to speed with the rest of the Big Cup action in his clockwatch at 8pm.

“We are deeply disappointed that the club has reportedly settled on a finalist for head coach who has a history of sexist public statements that run counter to our ethos as a club, city and supporters’ group, and who also lacks a proven track record as a manager” – a statement from Portland Timbers fans there, who are clearly delighted to have Big Phil Neville at the helm.

I guess 1,056 others will also challenge you to explain how Glenn Hoddle and his wife were able to pose ‘in front of their fancy detached house and back-garden pool’ (yesterday’s Memory Lane, full email edition). Perhaps this was an extension of his ability on the football pitch occasionally to appear to opposition players as if he were in two places at once” – Andrew Kluth (and no others).

Congratulations to plucky eighth-tier Cray Valley (PM) for holding relative big boys Charlton Athletic to a draw and earning an FA Cup replay. I would have watched the game but didn’t realise it was on free terrestrial television. I thought it would be paper-view” – John Myles.

Send your letters to [email protected]. Today’s letter o’ the day winner is … John Myles, who gets a copy of Tinseltown: Hollywood and the Beautiful Game – a Match Made in Wrexham. You can buy a copy here.

The government is to put a football governance bill before parliament in the coming year, confirming the legislation that will create an independent regulator. “Today’s announcement is a historic moment for football and represents a real chance to end the cycle of overspending and mismanagement that has plagued our national game and threatened the very existence of our clubs,” said Niall Couper, Fair Game’s CEO. “There will be intense pressure to weaken the regulator’s remit at a time when proper protection and scrutiny of our national name is needed more than ever.”

Eighteen Afghanistan men’s team players are to boycott their World Cup qualifier against Qatar in protest against what they say is substandard treatment by their country’s Football Federation. They include allegations of corruption that the organisation denies.

Luton have threatened to ban the pieces of work responsible for chanting about the Hillsborough disaster during Sunday’s draw with Liverpool, though a section of the Hatters’ statement claiming fans may have sung without understanding their words’ full meaning has understandably not gone down well on Merseyside.

In other normal human behaviour news, Jenni Hermoso says she received threats after then-Spanish Football Federation president Luis Rubiales kissed her on the lips following their World Cup final win. “I’ve had to assume the consequences of an act that I did not provoke, that I had not chosen or premeditated,” she said.

Pep Guardiola has come to the VAR talking-point party – it’s not that exclusive a guest list, mind – saying the recent kerfuffles have been “difficult to handle”. Speaking before their Big Cup canter against Young Boys, the Manchester City manager suggested the technology was being deployed differently in different countries. “I have a feeling in every country there is confusion about many things,” he you-don’t-say-ed.

And Oxford United boss Liam Manning has swapped second spot in League One for 11th in the Championship by becoming the manager of Bristol City. “We are custodians and you have to respect and understand the past and the culture of the area that you’ve moved and leave the club in a better state than we found it,” he whooped.

“Nothing can sway us”: a special report inside Shakhtar Donetsk’s quest for glory in wartime. By Nick Ames.

Ella Braidwood visits Meadow Park to report on the increasingly buoyant atmosphere at WSL games, but warns that preserving the unique relationship between fans and players is vital.

“The anger is real. The anger is lucrative.” Jonathan Liew reckons the game is now too big and toxic for decisions to be accepted in good faith.

Tottenham’s utterly chaotic (but extremely fun) defeat by Chelsea revealed the first flaws in Angeball, writes Jacob Steinberg.

And Dan Morgan dishes out some Premier League weekend awards from the perspective of our USA USA USA readers.

On the streets of San Sebastián – and at home – with John Aldridge in February 1990 after his move to Real Sociedad a year earlier. “It was only a year but they all left such a mark,” recalled teammate Luis Dadíe of a devastating Aldridge-Dalian Atkinson-Kevin Richardson triumvirate in 1990-91. Hopefully not in terms of fashion, judging by the shellsuit.