Real Madrid’s masterclass of anything but a remontada

While most English tourists are cultured enough to know the Spanish for a couple of pints of Stella, a full English breakfast or directions to the nearest A&E ward, in recent days the word remontada has also become seared in the collective consciousness of football fans. A colloquialism bullishly bandied about by Real Madrid’s players and fans in the week after Arsenal did a number on them in north London, it was a snappy one-word rejoinder detailing how fate and the Bigger Cup champions’ implacable refusal to be beaten would see them defy apparently insurmountable odds and overturn a 3-0 deficit to reach the semi-finals of a tournament they’ve won more often than anybody else. Sadly, it seems somebody at the Bernabéu didn’t get the memo.

Instead of a remontada, Madrid’s players served up a masterclass of remonstrations with the referee, reactionary recidivism, repeatedly crossing the ball to little or no effect, a refusal to play as a team and ultimately realising that the comeback or turnaround they considered their due wasn’t actually going to happen. Having spent the first half playing with all the poise and assurance of a bunch of hyperactive and entitled six-year-olds who had overdosed on Tango and Squashies, Madrid didn’t actually get a foothold in the tie until it was gifted to them by an uncharacteristic Arsenal error and any hope looked well beyond them. “They came to defend, to play their role,” sniffed Lucas Vázquez, Madrid’s captain, of Arsenal in a post-match interview that had more than a whiff of sour grapes about it. “In the first half, they did almost nothing. In the second, with the team pressing, they found the victory.”

It could be argued that Madrid also played their role, specifically that of a petulant, strop-throwing toddler throwing their rattle out of the playpen because things aren’t going their way. Having kept out an early Bukayo Saka penalty for the kind of off-the-ball offence that usually goes unpunished, it seemed like it might actually be their evening, but Carlo Ancelotti’s side were too focused on persistent fouling, amateur dramatics and bickering with match officials or their opponents to actually concentrate on trying to win. Even Dani Carvajal, who wasn’t playing, got in on the act, appearing to remonstrate with Saka for disrespecting the hosts by trying to panenka a spot-kick past Thibaut Courtois, apparently oblivious to the fact that the Englishman’s comically dismal effort had been saved.

A team that famously always seem to find a way to prevail in Bigger Cup until they don’t, Madrid’s hopes of securing silverware this season are now pinned on them pipping a Barcelona side that has already thrashed them twice to either – or both – of the league title or Copa del Rey crown. Meanwhile, Arsenal advance to semi-finals that could scarcely look more open if they were the mouth of a patient who has just been ordered by the doctor to say “Ahhhhhh”. For a team given a 6% chance of winning Bigger Cup by Opta’s Super Computer before the tournament started, it’s quite the turnaround.

It’s crunch time in Bigger Vase’s quarter-finals, so be sure to join Scott Murray from 8pm BST for hot minute-by-minute coverage of Manchester United 2-1 Lyon (agg: 4-3), while Michael Butler will be on deck for Eintracht Frankfurt 2-1 Tottenham (agg: 3-2).

“Every team in the world wastes time when they’re leading. It was a bit stupid of me to push him there” – a remorseful Josip Stanisic on losing his rag and shoving a ballboy off his stool, after the ball was tossed away in stoppage time during Bayern’s 4-3 Bigger Cup aggregate defeat by Inter.

I am going to be decrying the state of modern media if not one single mainstream news outlet today simply goes with the headline ‘Remont-nada’” – Noble Francis [how about tea-timely football emails with Tin on the mind? – Football Daily Ed].

No mention of Linkin Park (yesterday’s Football Daily, full email edition) should be made without reference to Emily Armstrong and her association with the Church of Scientology. She even showed up in court supporting rapist Danny Masterson, another member. South Park could do it, why not you?” – Joe Cotter.

Send letters to [email protected]. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Rollover. Terms and conditions for our competitions, when we have them, can be viewed here. And we’ll have prizes again next week.

“I’m one of Liverpool. Someone called me ‘an adopted scouser’ the other day.” Yep, Virgil van Dijk has whipped out a pen and inked his signature at the bottom of a new two-year contract at Anfield that makes him, at almost 34, one of the highest-paid defenders in world football. “There wasn’t any doubt in my head that this is the place to be for me and my family.”

The chair of Hull City Ladies, Daniel Johnson, has submitted a request to the FA for the club to be relegated from the third tier, amid allegations of mismanagement of their finances made against him by his own squad. Multiple club sources allege that Johnson’s submission is an attempt at retaliation after squad members criticised him in public social media posts over the past 72 hours, with some expressing fears their team “might not exist in a few weeks”.

Newcastle are looking good for a top-four spot after thrashing Crystal Palace 5-0 in the Premier League. “We couldn’t compete with them,” sighed Eagles boss Oliver Glasner. “We couldn’t deal with their intensity, directness and pace. Nothing worked; we just have to throw this one in the bin.”

Ange Postecoglou isn’t worried about his flamin’ fate should Spurs go out of Bigger Vase in Frankfurt. “No, not at all mate,” he tooted. “I don’t define my career and me as a person by what people think. I never have. Never will.”

Supporters might not agree, but Enzo Maresca reckons Chelsea are still going in the right direction. “I’m not judging what’s happened last year or two years ago. I’m just judging this season,” he cheered. And this is the reason why I think fans, they have to trust the team, they have to trust the club, what we are doing.”

Grab the caps: Neymar is knacked again, thigh-gah forcing him off in Santos’s 2-0 league win over Atlético Mineiro. “Now we really have to pray it’s not something that will keep him out for a long time,” prayed coach César Sampaio.

Dutch club SC Cambuur have been overwhelmed by sales of a special kit they will wear later this month honouring troops from the Royal Canadian Dragoons, to mark the 80th anniversary of the city’s freedom from Nazi occupation. “It’s a huge surprise,” said Ruben Sijtsma, the club’s marketing and communications manager. “The stock of 800 shirts was sold out within an hour and further orders are now at around 2,000. For a club like Ajax that may not be anything, but for a club like ours it is a record. The reception staff received a crash course in English, because they were bombarded with calls from Canada. People tell us that they are grateful, because their father or great-grandfather fought in the Netherlands.”

And Malaysian football’s showpiece is facing a sea of empty seats at the 85,000-capacity National Stadium in Bukit Jalil, with ticket sales for next weekend’s Cup final between Johor Darul Ta’zim (JDT) and Sri Pahang floundering. JDT supporters’ club deputy president Fadzli Sapie says only 15,000 tickets had been snapped up by their fans, almost double that sold by Sri Pahang. “If the opponents were [arch-rivals] Selangor, I’m sure the tickets would sell like hot cakes,” he sighed. “This isn’t meant to belittle Sri Pahang.” Oh.

Our sister email is back and, sticking with a French theme for this week, features an exclusive chat with PSG and Les Bleues’ Sakina Karchaoui about Euro 2025 confidence, the WSL and much more.

“Where is your magic now?” Barney Ronay takes in Arsenal’s famous triumph over Madrid at the Bernabéu.

PSG’s pulling power is on the rise after their thriller at the Villa, writes David Hytner.

Ben McAleer picks out 20 breakout stars of the season in the Premier League.

As ever, the Championship is where it’s at. Louise Taylor looks ahead to a decisive Easter weekend in the second tier.

And Joey Lynch reflects on what Mary Fowler’s knack setback means to the Matildas before they host the Asian Cup.

To April 1956 and the French Cup final in Colombes, where Sedan’s players celebrate a 3-1 triumph over Troyes with their wild boar mascot, Dudule. Located in the Ardennes, the region has a strong association with the animal – check this out, and Sedan themselves are nicknamed Les Sangliers (The Boars).