Are you ready for the new Premier League season? Because Manchester United aren’t! In a mature, realistic observation that has already been disingenuously twisted by shameless emoji-wielding wrong’uns, Erik ten Hag said his team may not come roaring out of the blocks when they play Fulham tonight. “We had the USA tour squad, then we added the players who did the Euros and Copa América, and now new signings,” he said. “Now we have to make a team from it. That team is not ready, but the league starts – and there are more managers to deal with this problem. We can’t run away from it, so we have to deal with it.”

The last time United played Fulham on the opening weekend, in 2006, they routed them 5-1 and kept sprinting until they had taken the title off José Mourinho’s Chelsea. There’s no chance of that happening this year, and not only because José is now raising stress levels in Istanbul rather than London. That said, United will hope this is the start of a new era in which experienced suits make dispassionate decisions and don’t just allow the manager to buy a load of Eredivisie alumni. Wait, hang on. In fairness, Matthijs de Ligt and Noussair Mazraoui have the potential to be very good signings. Most of United’s best XI are 26 and under, so there is clear medium-term potential. But that won’t save Ten Hag if, like last season, opposition players are able to gambol through a chasm in the centre of the field.

United’s rousing win over Manchester City in the FA Cup final probably kept Ten Hag in a job, and it’s understandable that he’s playing the trophy card. “With the two trophies [in his first two seasons] we won more than any other club, apart from City, in England,” he said, and you know full well he’d have been claiming the Community Shield as well had Jonny Evans not popped one into outer space. “We are confident, we have a good team, we have a good squad. We have to be more consistent and we want to win every competition in which we are taking part, definitely also the Premier League.” The next few weeks will tell us whether United have improved, or whether such optimistic talk is the equivalent of a band proudly announcing that their new album is a return to form, only to inflict an absolute clunker on a devastated fanbase. Ready or not, Ten Hag needs a decent start.

Join Scott Murray for live coverage of Manchester United 0-0 Fulham (8pm BST) as the 2024-25 Premier League season kicks off.

“I grew up in foster care from the age of six or seven, right up until 18. It gives you life lessons early on. It moulded me into who I am now and what I stand for. I wouldn’t change anything that happened in my childhood because I wouldn’t be sat here as a professional footballer today without it” – Newcastle’s Lloyd Kelly talks to Louise Taylor about his upbringing and advocating for more people to foster children.

“If Spurs players are now going to be suspended for a ‘severe lack of judgment’ then they’re going to need a squad as big as Chelsea’s” – Noble Francis.

“Bruce Ellis [Thursday’s letters] has clearly spent too much time in the flamin’ Aussie sun! Ice cold milk in nursery school? In 1947? I recall said milk being tepid if not parboiled in summer; possibly ice cold in winter, once you had carved a path through ice and snow to the school gates” – Neil Thomson [and others].

Send letters to [email protected]. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Rollover. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.

Caf’s former chief operating officer, Abiola Ijasanmi, has accused its general secretary, Véron Mosengo-Omba of “mismanagement and maladministration”, including claims that he bullied and harassed her in an attempt to make her step down.

Howard Webb has said much of the criticism of VAR in the Premier League is because calls don’t go the way managers would like. “Some of the criticism we get around VAR is simply because people don’t like the final outcome,” Webb hollered.

Ed Sheeran has become the latest A-lister to buy into a football team after acquiring a minority stake in Ipswich. The musician has been a lifelong fan of the Tractor Boys and his total stake in the club is 1.4%. “Please don’t get on to me with signing suggestions or tactics to play,” he pleaded.

Transfer klaxon! Tottenham have tossed the best part of £32m at Burnley in order to sign talented teenage winger Wilson Odobert, while Ed Sheeran’s Ipswich have signed Championship hot-shot Sam Szmodics from Blackburn for a cool £9m – and completed their loan move for Manchester City outcast Kalvin Phillips.

Arne Slot admits Liverpool “tried everything” to persuade Martín Zubimendi to leave Real Sociedad. “It’s not easy to find players who can strengthen the squad,” Slot cooed while holding a boom-box aloft. “Zubimendi was one of them, but he decided not to come. We go forward with the ones we have. We are in a good place.”

Everton plan to test Dele’s readiness for the Premier League with several matches behind closed doors before deciding whether to offer him a new contract. “I have maintained this, that the first thing is just to get back out there, running freely, playing, training and all that side of things,” Sean Dyche parped.

Manchester City will head to Stamford Bridge to face Chelsea on Sunday without Rodri, who is still resting up from his recent trophy-lifting. Enzo Maresca has said new signing Pedro Neto is match fit, but may need time to find a seat in the dressing room “understand the way we want to play”.

And Oliver Glasner had hacks rolling in the aisles when asked about a fourth Newcastle bid for Marc Guéhi. “I’ll have to look at my bank account and see if anything came in!” honked the Crystal Palace head coach.

The prize for the most relieved footballer in Europe goes to Ajax’s Brian Brobbey, who managed to miss two penalties in their Big Vase shootout with Panathinaikos – and still emerged on the winning side. Ajax prevailed 13-12 in a 25-minute, 34-penalty battle royale, with 40-year-old keeper Remko Pasveer saving five penalties and scoring one himself. The prize for such an epic victory? Er, it’s a playoff tie with Poland’s Jagellonia Bialystok!

New managers, new signings, new season: here are 10 things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend.

West Ham and Wolves fans, the long wait is over. It’s time for the final pair of Premier League previews … and you can read them all here.

“I’m not saying we’re going to play like Barcelona … but it’s important we have a very strong tactical identity” – in an exclusive chat with Tom Garry, new Leicester City manager Amandine Miquel sets out her plan to lift the team up the WSL table.

Campionato, di calcio, Italiano! Serie A is back and 14 [FOURTEEN] clubs kick off the season with a new manager. Nicky Bandini takes a look at the chaos.

The threat of a power battle behind the scenes at Newcastle is receding with Eddie Howe striking a more conciliatory tone, notes Louise Taylor.

And from a playoff final throwback to whatever it is Chelsea are wearing, we run the rule over this season’s best and worst new kits.

On this day in 1992, Teddy Sheringham scored for Nottingham Forest against Liverpool and football was officially born. The first live televised Premier League goal earned Forest a 1-0 victory but was also the striker’s last for the club; he was sold to Tottenham a week later. Sheringham went on to score 21 goals for Spurs to top the scoring charts, while Forest finished bottom and were relegated.