Among the deluge of postmortems devoted to Manchester United’s all-too-predictable humbling by their noisy neighbours at Old Trafford, was a piece on the Sky Sports website headlined: “All of Man Utd’s many, many problems analysed.” It was an ambitious endeavour and it is a testament to the author’s talent for keeping things succinct that it only stretched to a mere 1,144 words. In his post-match reflections on the “cultural toxicity” enveloping his former club, Gary Neville joked that Manchester United “need Daniel Radcliffe, not Jim Ratcliffe” to help whip things into shape. And while not even Football Daily would dare open with that one [we would if we’d thought of it first – Football Daily Ed], we suspect a truly comprehensive analysis of United’s current failings would fill far more volumes than the seven meaty tomes in which JK Rowling chronicled the adventures of the famous boy wizard to whom Gary alluded.

Sadly, Football Daily has fewer than seven paragraphs at our disposal and while we’d love to wax lyrical about the club’s grasping American owners, famously dilapidated stadium with its leaky roof and all the other issues currently helping to hamstring their on-field endeavours, we’re going to point our Big Finger O’Blame for Sunday’s shambles at their manager Erik ten Hag and his squad of underachieving players. Looking at the pre-match lineups, there is not a single one among them who you could imagine currently getting within an ass’s roar of being selected for Pep Guardiola’s Manchester City.

For all their many obvious and well-documented shortcomings, the one thing you can say in their favour is that the Glazers have rarely been shy when it comes to hosing cash around during transfer windows. Knowing the eggs tend to dry up when the golden goose doesn’t get fed, they have authorised the spending of more than £1.6bn on new recruits since the retirement of Lord Ferg. Three of the more expensive acquisitions at the club – Antony, Raphaël Varane and Mason Mount – started Sunday’s game on the bench, while in Jadon Sancho they had another who could be forgiven for giggling away at what’s unfolding in his absence from the comfort of his sofa. On the plus side, Ten Hag was at least able to start promising academy graduate Jonny Evans, who had last played in a Manchester derby 11 years ago and was originally re-signed to act as the footballing equivalent of a therapy dog to support the club’s kids but was instead tasked with keeping Erling Haaland on a tight lead.

One of many symptoms of United’s current malaise rather than a direct cause, Evans at least has the excuse that he is 54 years old. For when they did come off the bench, Antony and Mount contributed the sum total of eff-all, even if the Brazilian liability did get to showcase his trademark one-trick feint by skilfully avoiding a red card. One might have expected United’s captain Bruno Fernandes to try and exert some sort of calm on proceedings as assorted teammates lost their heads, but it was always a long shot considering his is invariably the first to go. “The spirit is very good, so I think we are on the way up,” parped former Ajax manager Ten Hag. “We have to be patient.” While his United may have little or nothing in common with the Dutch giants of yore, they can at least lay claim to bearing more than a passing resemblance to the cautionary tale that is the Ajax who sit bottom of the Eredivisie table of today.

Join Michael Butler from 7pm GMT for live coverage as the men’s and women’s Ballon d’Or gongs are dished out in Paris.

“For me, who liked cartoons when I grew up, that was big. It can’t be easy to feature in a cartoon [on Big Website]. I managed that without even trying! I felt: ‘Damn, that’s fun.’ The fact that they were poking fun at me I don’t care about. I am who I am. I try to be honest to myself so here I am, that has pros and cons. You have to take that” – Sweden coach Peter Gerhardsson tells the media in his homeland about, erm, his pride at having made it into a David Squires panel after wandering into a cleaning cupboard at the Women’s World Cup.

It’s exciting to hear that a completely new planet has apparently been discovered, namely the one inhabited by Erik ten Hag who declared after the derby humiliation that United had performed ‘very well’ and are ‘on the way up’. Or is it merely the case that Planet Zog has been renamed ‘Planet Hag’?” – Adrian Irving.

Allow me join the other 1,056 pedants in pointing out that most of Mo Salah’s bones (Friday’s News, Bits and Bobs, full email edition) are actually about 10 years old. As are Jürgen Klopp’s, so take that how you will” – Harriet Osborn (and no other orthopedists).

Send your letters to [email protected]. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Rollover.

It’s nearly November so it’s getting breezy at EFL clubs up and down the country as doors marked Do One are opened and shut vigorously for an assortment of hoofed managers. Following on from Joéy Barton getting the heave at Bristol Rovers, Nigel Pearson was sent skittering out of the Ashton Gate exit despite the club occupying 15th place, only five points off the playoffs. In a farewell tweet to Bristol City fans, Pearson made it clear that he loves living in the area – “I will see you in the Mendips, on the levels, and occasionally in a pub or two … I have been so touched by your support.” Could he be tempted to cross rivalry lines to ensure he can keep hiking the bridleways of Somerset? If he does apply for that job, he may have competition from Gareth Ainsworth, mind, sacked by QPR following a sixth straight defeat that left the Hoops 23rd in the Championship. Now that’s a dismissal we could see coming. Though it’s more likely the long-haired lead singer of the Cold Blooded Hearts could be tempted to go on tour instead. That debut album isn’t going to promote itself.

Luis Rubiales, the former Spanish FA head-honcho, has been banned from all football-related activities for three years by Fifa for that kiss on the lips of Jenni Hermoso in the World Cup final ceremony.

Jürgen Klopp says news of the kidnapping of Luis Díaz’s parents made Liverpool’s defeat of Nottingham Forest incredibly hard to get ready for. “The preparation was the most difficult I ever had in my life,” Klopp said. “I didn’t expect it and I was not prepared for it. The only thing we can really do is fight for [Díaz] and that’s what the boys did.”

England’s Georgia Stanway has highlighted some impressive planning from the Ballon d’Or organisers, who are hosting the glitzy gong ceremony on a date when many female contenders are unable to attend because of international commitments. “It really is [frustrating] because it’s potentially a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity,” sighed the Bayern Munich nominee. “You never know if you’re ever going to get selected for such an accolade like that again.”

Six years after unofficially hanging up his boots when he joined Chelsea, Djinkin’ Danny Drinkwater has now definitely retired at 33. “It’s been a long time coming,” he deadpanned. “I’ve been in limbo for too long. I’ve been wanting to play but not getting the opportunity to play at a standard or level where I felt valued.”

Ajax have given former Greece boss John van’t Schip a metaphorical broom and charged him with the task of overseeing a total football cleanup between now and the end of the season. “Ajax must quickly take the sporting path upwards and I am happy to contribute to that,” he cheered.

And Glentoran goalkeeper Aaron McCarey doesn’t regret jumping into the stands to stop a fan fighting with a steward, even though it earned him a booking in their 1-1 draw with Crusaders. “I didn’t want to see anyone get hurt,” he soothed. “Some people might find it hard to believe that I’m a caring person but there were young kids in there, and it wasn’t nice to see.”

“The list is long, and full of children” – Palestine FA vice-president Susan Shalabi on her daily duties, which currently include recording the deaths of registered players as the organisation awaits news on World Cup qualifiers against the backdrop of conflict.

Marseille v Lyon was meant to be the weekend highlight. The game never happened as French football shamed itself again. Luke Entwistle on another dark day for Ligue 1.

“Part Gladiator, part Christ the Redeemer” – yup, Jude Bellingham did it again at the weekend, this time in the blummin’ clásico. Sid Lowe takes us on a magical history tour after Madrid’s last-gasp 2-1 win over Barcelona.

Here’s Nicky Bandini on miracle-man Claudio Ranieri and the greatest ever Serie A comeback.

“United are a shambles … and yet the opportunity was there”: Jonathan Wilson runs the rule over the Manchester derby, before explaining why the promoted clubs’ Premier League struggles reflect a wider problem in the game.

Train ticket office closures are the latest challenge facing disabled football fans, while facilities at grounds still belie face-value messaging about meaningful changes. Nick Ransom reports.

Brighton have gained permission for England’s first purpose-built ground for a women’s team. Morgan Ofori on a potentially seismic moment.

And Bernardo, Billing, Brathwaite and Bailey are just the Bs from 10 talking points from the weekend Premier League action.

We’re not sure that’s a legitimate Countdown answer. Nevertheless, Notts County midfielder Neil MacKenzie impressed during a winning run on series 59 of the programme in 2008. “I did not do particularly well at school, but have always seemed to have a knack for this,” he tooted. “I have always been pretty solid on the words and good at the conundrums – so the important thing was not to disgrace myself. The adrenaline does get running. But Des O’Connor was great and he makes you relax, so the nerves went after about five minutes of the show.” After a run of six wins, he lost to eventual champion Junaid Mubeen.