As an entity, Football Daily peaked in the noughties when young and still hopeful of living a long and successful life. We were rarely happier than seeing Emile Heskey bang in England’s fifth against Germany or Andrew ‘Freddie’ Flintoff inspiring that Ashes victory. Those memories occasionally slip from the mind but we are desperate to cling to the days when the beer gut was in the experimental stage, the hair thicker and state-owned clubs a long way off.

Sadly, there are now constant reminders of how long ago this all was, mainly in the form of the offspring of the famous sportspeople we once idolised now being professionals in their own right. Manchester City have Jaden Heskey on their tour of the USA USA USA, a country where 14-year-olds are playing in their highest domestic league, while Rocky Flintoff made his Lancashire county cricket debut aged 16 on Sunday. It is truly upsetting that these people with impeccable genes are entering the world of sport. Football Daily Jr will be pleased that it will not take long to exit their parent’s shadows. The only thing it received from their father was vouchers for a free Nando’s and a basic understanding of planning law, which is useless in the wider world.

Even Big Sports Day cannot provide a distraction from our own mortality and mediocrity. Team GB’s George Mills is running both the 1500m and 5,000m, distances it would take Football Daily a day or two to cover at least. It turns out he was born to be industrious as the son of energetic – but often out-of-position – full-back Danny Mills, who was still being paid by Manchester City in 2009. It is fine that this lad is doing his bit to earn some silverware to go with his dad’s Coca-Cola Cup medal but to find out he is 25 is irritating, like our bowels.

But here we are in 2024, acknowledging our age, while that former wonderkid Wayne Rooney is already on his fourth club as a football manager. Our youth, meanwhile, remains unindulged, however much we pretend that a goal at five-a-side could be the springboard required to earn a Premier League contract or seeing that girl from school who never spoke to us but liked our photo on Instachat might result in marriage. We will pass our failed ambitions to the next generation, the ones with talent and merited aspirations, who will hopefully go on make an old email very happy. Make us feel young again, Jaden et al.

When I’m leaving, I will say I’m leaving, but I didn’t say that. We will see what happens. But I will not rule it out absolutely to extend my contract. I would love to stay because I would love to stay” – uh, oh, has Pep Guardiola gone all Jordan Belfort on us? Good news for Manchester City supporters and bad news for fans of competitive title challenges beckons.

No point. Why? Woke newspaper. Climate fuc [snip – Football Daily Letters Bad Word Ed] nonsense, etc. Fuc [snip – FDLBWE] off. Regards” – Jim Lucy.

Re: Friday’s Football Daily. Scotland, of course, voted against Brexit and so didn’t wait for Labour taking power to maintain good relations with our European brethren. While Lewis Ferguson has been a revelation at Bologna, he didn’t start the biggest Scozzese invasion since Italia ’90. Midfielder Liam Henderson moved from Celtic to Bari aged 21 in 2018 and in 2019 became the first Scot to play in Serie A since Graeme Souness. In 2021-22 Henderson played every game in Empoli’s Serie A campaign. Aaron Hickey moved to Bologna aged 18 in 2020 and made the right-back position his own despite being a left-back. Josh Doig, another left-back, moved from Hibs to Verona aged 20 in 2022 and also took to it like a duck to water. Not that Steve Clarke noticed any of this as the four young trailblazers have won just 12 caps between them while playing in Italy, despite playing a combined 200-plus times in Serie A. Someone – maybe Che Adams if he wants to continue his Scotland career – should tell Clarke that EasyJet do flights to Italy for about 20 quid” – R Mathison.

Send letters to [email protected]. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Jim R Mathison. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.

It has all gone very Football Manager at Serie A new boys Como where they are building a team of ageing stars. After securing promotion Cesc Fàbregas has spent the summer recruiting some of his veteran mates to make the club into the most experienced side in Italy. Andrea Belotti, 30, has turned up from Roma, Pepe Reina, 41, is keeping the party going after leaving Villarreal. He at least saved money on a taxi to the airport as former teammate Alberto Moreno, 32, has joined him on the lake. When it was announced a defender named Dossena was signed, we assumed it was 42-year-old Andrea but it turns out to be 25-year-old Alberto, bringing down the average age somewhat.

That has not stopped the fun, with former Manchester United crock Raphaël Varane, 31, the latest to rock up at the Stadio Giuseppe Sinigaglia. The Frenchman made 68 league appearances across three seasons at Old Trafford in an injury-hit spell but has landed on his feet in Italy. As Mrs Merton would ask: ‘What first attracted you to the picturesque lifestyle of Como while earning millions?’. Thankfully, Varane was nice enough to answer: “At first, I was curious to find out what the project was all about, and then I immediately saw that it was special, different from any other I’d been offered, so I wanted to know more. The more I learned about the project, the more interesting it became, giving me a different perspective on what I wanted to do. Once the project came along, it went straight to the top of the list, and we managed to close the deal. I’m very happy. There’s a lot to do, and it’s very exciting.” Of course, mate.

If Manchester United’s 2-1 pre-season defeat to Arsenal wasn’t bad enough for Erik ten Hag, his team’s troubles with knack continued in California with Rasmus Højlund and new boy Leny Yoro going down hurt.

Jonny Evans has admitted it’s been difficult to see staff lose their jobs at Old Trafford as Big Sir Jim Ratcliffe’s cull of 250 roles has taken hold. “The new owners feel that’s the ­direction that they want to go,” he sighed. “But it’s not been easy for everyone at the same time.”

Sir Jim has ruddy big ideas to transform Manchester United into the West Ham of the north by building a whopping new stadium to allow 100,000 to witness the team finishing eighth again.

One man who could help them achieve their goals is Bayern Munich right-back Noussair Mazraoui, who recently turned down a move to the Hammers. A deal between £15m and £20m has been struck with the German giants and the defender looks set for the Premier League.

Lyon’s giant defender Jake O’Brien has arrived on Merseyside for a medical before a proposed £17m move to Everton.

Christian Eriksen wants to play for three more years at the top but admits he could soon be seen at your local rec. “I feel good, my family is feeling good living in Manchester and United is a nice club,” he parped. “In three years’ time my mindset may be different, so that could be in the park or anywhere”.

“Roy! Roy! Roy!” Steve Coogan, Mr Alan Partridge himself, has been cast to play Mick McCarthy in a film telling the story of the former Republic of Ireland manager’s bust-up with Roy Keane prior to the 2002 World Cup. “Next year audiences will finally get to experience first-hand the feud between Roy Keane and Mick McCarthy and why it was labelled ‘the worst preparation for a World Cup campaign’,” blurted producers Macdara Kelleher and John Keville.

Manchester City’s Erling Haaland has warned that players cannot be “sharp” if they are made to play 70 games a year. “We all saw in the Euros as well in general how tired people were,” he lamented from his club’s tour of the USA USA USA. “You could see the level, you could see even in people’s faces how tired they were of football, if you can say it that way.

Enzo Maresca has called for a big improvement from his team in pre-season after a 4-1 defeat to Celtic. “You can see sometimes we confuse when we need to play short and when we need to play a little bit longer but that is part of the process,” he cheered.

David Pleat, 79, has announced he is stepping away from scouting duties at Tottenham. “Football is my life and continues to be,” Pleat chirped. “Spurs has been a huge part of that. However the game and its methods change and it’s time for me to now step back from my scouting role.”

England goalkeeping aide Tom Heaton has become the latest Gareth Southgate disciple to dish out a “careful what you wish for” edict.

And as 11 Premier League teams prepare for the new season with major bookmakers emblazoned on their shirts, there have been increased calls to ban gambling sponsors from British sport.

Jonathan Wilson takes a whimsical look back at Paris 1924 and the gold medal-winning Uruguay team, who were inspired by the marvellous José Andrade.

Ruthlessness has arrived at Arsenal this summer with the prospective sales of Emile Smith Rowe, Eddie Nketiah and Reiss Nelson. It could be the right call to supercharge the Gunners, reckons Huzaifah Khan.

And while Manchester United Women may have sold off some of their big names this summer, in Norway striker Elisabeth Terland they have added much-needed firepower, writes Elsie Grover-Jones.

Things get a little heated during Manchester United’s 3-0 pre-season friendly win over Beijing Guoan in July 2005. Ruud van Nistelrooy has cut a rather more relaxed figure as a coach on this year’s United summer tour.