Every self-respecting centre-forward loves easy goals and useless opposition – rightly so. But in the entirety of the game’s history, few, if any, have guzzled low-hanging fruit with quite the same alacrity as Harry Kane. Whether terrorising Panama and Albania but not Italy or Spain, snaffling penalties but missing the biggies, or spending his career unencumbered by expectations of success, the Paul Collingwood of the football honours world can always be relied upon to feast on carrion, then present teammates with a home-display memento commemorating their achievement in knowing him. Consequently, Kane’s move to Bayern Munich made him the perfect addition to a squad already certain to win the club’s 69,539th consecutive Bundesliga title. It’s a dream come true! They couldn’t have done it without you! Though yet to hit form, Bayern sit second in the table on goal difference, Werder Bremen, Augsburg and Leverkusen already ravaged by the Very Hungry Kaneterpillar, with Bochum and Preußen Münster up next. Slurrrp! Burrrp! But he also has unfinished business with Big Cup, most particularly after deploying his fabled skills of oratory and orthopaedics to guilt-trip Mauricio Pochettino into picking him for the 2019 final – which Spurs lost in traditionally tame fashion. On Wednesday night, with Manchester United visiting Munich, the fruit hangs so low it’s almost subterranean. Though Harry Maguire is absent, the form of Victor Lindelöf, Lisandro Martínez and Casemiro is so poor as to make gorging feel inevitable nonetheless. Unless you ask Erik ten Hag, who is positive about United’s prospects despite the absence of Kobbie Mainoo, Sofyan Amrabat, Aaron Wan-Bissaka, Mason Mount, Raphaël Varane, Luke Shaw, Tyrell Malacia, Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney, Peter Davy, Dan’l Whiddon, Harry Hawke, Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all. And not without reason – Ten Hag’s tactical acumen and coaching excellence will have surely have his club challenging for major honours, just as soon as the footballing authorities replicate his recruitment policy. However, pending the arrival into the Premier League and Big Cup of Utrecht, Go Ahead Eagles and Bayern Reserves, he has a problem: you can talk all you like about principles, overloads and pressing, but if your players are too lazy to bother or too dense to understand, you’re dinner. And for the Very Hungry Kaneterpillar, it’s Saturday. |