Like all great mythical figures, even Mike Dean had an Achilles heel

Mike Dean is one of modern football’s more intriguing figures. In his 22-year career as a Premier League referee, Dean embodied an elite brand of fastidiousness, dishing out 114 red cards, more than 3,000 yellows and an untold number of finger-wags, eye-rolls and off-you-pops. Dean is the walking rule book who Garth Crooks once likened to “a petulant school teacher”. On the other hand, he may have been a stickler on the field, but he was also a showman. There were the stepovers. The celebrations after setting up a goal with a smart advantage. The flourish with which he displayed a second yellow and mandatory back-pocket red. “I love what I do, there’s a touch of arrogance and I know that,” he once said. How can a man who looks, sounds, lives like someone disputing a late return fee at the library also possess such panache? And that’s without mentioning the pool parties, terrace chanting at Tranmere and fondness for ballroom dancing. Truly, Dean is a man of multitudes.

Like all great mythical figures, however, the now-retired referee had an Achilles heel – an apparent compulsion to make himself the centre of attention among million-pound footballers. It made the transition from centre circle to VAR room last season unbearable – like putting David Starsky on desk duty. Having quit the role for a plum gig on Sky Sports, Dean has kept chasing those headlines, this week telling Simon Jordan’s Up Front podcast he overlooked a crucial VAR review to spare Anthony Taylor “more grief than he already had”.

The incident in question – Cristian Romero throwing Marc Cucurella to the ground by his curly locks – went unpunished, allowing Harry Kane to equalise for Spurs at Stamford Bridge last August. It wasn’t just Cucurella’s eyebrows that were raised by the incident, with Dermot Gallagher admitting in one of those excruciating big-screen debriefs that Dean should have directed Taylor to the pitchside monitor. Twelve months later, it turns out Dean agrees. “I didn’t want to send him [Taylor] because he is a mate as well as a referee,” he told Jordan. “[It] was pathetic from my point of view.”

Might Dean’s latest bit of self-promotion finally bring him more attention than he can handle – or even torpedo his big TV gig? Even if Peter Walton has set the bar spectacularly low, you wonder how Dean can still be taken seriously as an authority on the complexities of officiating after admitting to such an egregious error. How can he admonish any referee, video assistant or otherwise, for bypassing the trusty monitor? Yet somehow you know he can, and will, still hand down judgment with breathtaking finesse. Dean has seen off bigger threats to his status as the ultimate celebrity referee – from Bobby Zamora’s tweets to far more serious dispatches. In February 2021, he received death threats over two controversial red cards – something nobody involved in a game of football should ever have to deal with. He has brushed off repeated, pathological accusations of bias from fans. We haven’t seen, or heard, the last of him yet. The only question that remains is: if the most supremely self-assured referee of all melted under VAR’s forensic glare, what chance do the rest have?

On Friday morning it was almost nailed-on that Luis Rubiales would see himself out of the Spanish Football Federation’s door marked Do One, despite what your super soaraway Football Daily headline may have suggested yesterday. Pressure had built to the extent that there was barely a person left on the planet who had not condemned Rubiales’ behaviour at the World Cup final in Sydney. But never underestimate the ability of a football administrator to cling to their position like a desperate and morally bereft limpet.

In a speech that put the “extraordinary” into extraordinary general assembly, and which went on so long that his flapping gums sent a chill wind whistling through the stunned auditorium, Rubiales painted a picture of himself as the po’ victim of a “social assassination” and honked loudly: “I will fight this to the end. I will not resign! I will not resign!! I will not resign!!!” It was quite the eye-opener for some hacks who, 15 minutes previously, had just proudly posted on Social Media Abomination TwiXer that he was gone, to be replaced by Pedro Rocha. Not so. The man who had grabbed his crotch celebrating his country’s win over England while standing close to Spain’s Queen Letizia and her teenage daughter, Sofia, claimed critics “are trying to kill me” and that “false feminism” is “one of the scourges of this country”. What is it with football’s powerful bald men and their ability to read a room?

“I don’t want to pollute my thoughts with things that I read and avoid certain situations, so I take myself out of that environment” – Eddie Howe reveals his feelings towards Sau … sorry, social media, after being asked about an online spat between Bruno Guimarães and a fan.

You referred to Luis Rubiales, who refuses to resign, as going ‘Full Trump’ (yesterday’s Football Daily). It might have escaped your notice but Trump did leave his role (albeit reluctantly and, yes, he wants back). Might I suggest that a better description of someone refusing to do one would be that they’ve gone ‘Full Dorries’?” – John Myles.

Further to the story of the lion mascot for Shrewsbury Town (Football Daily letters passim), it turns out it shouldn’t be a lion at all, but a leopard – or rather three of them, known locally as ‘loggerheads’. These have been back on the club crest for nearly 10 years. Leopards are renowned for not being able to change their spots, so it turns out lions cannot adapt to change either. PS: they were called ‘loggerheads’ because the effigy used to be carved on the end of logs used as battering rams to break down defences. I’m not sure it is still recommended in coaching manuals” – Michael Dawson.

Re: football earworms (Football Daily letters passim). Not a player’s name, but any time a commentator uses the word ‘dispossessed’, it makes every choral singer who knows Elgar’s Dream of Gerontius (which is more people than you might think) start singing: ‘Dispossessed, aside thrust, chucked down by the sheer might of a despot’s will’. And, as it’s very catchy and I’ve been reminded of it every time I’ve seen any mention of football earworms, I keep getting it stuck in my head as a kind of second-hand earworm. So, thanks for that” – Jocelyn Lavin, Hallé Choir.

My own earworm overlaps with Lionel Richie in yesterday’s Memory Lane (full email edition). Pompey’s summer recruitment included Christian Saydee and, whenever his name is mentioned, I can’t stop hearing: ‘Say you, Say-dee’. It’s annoying me already and we’re only four games into the season” – Andy Strahan.

Whenever any football administrator says anything at all, I find myself singing the whole of this Flux of Pink Indians album. I don’t understand why, because it doesn’t rhyme with Infantino. Oh well” – Michael Hann.

Send your letters to [email protected]. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Jocelyn Lavin.

Jürgen Klopp has poured a jug of ice-cold water over reports suggesting Mohamed Salah could be the latest Liverpool player to join the gravy train east. “Mo is still a Liverpool player, obviously for all the things we do, he’s essential,” he blathered. “I said already if there is [a bid], the answer would be no.”

USA! USA!! USA!!! are off top spot in the women’s Fifa world rankings, with Sweden on top, Spain climbing to second and England in fourth.

James Maddison is neither going on a journey to space nor missing out on Spurs’ trip to Bournemouth, according to Ange Postecoglou. “People would have seen him in a moon boot but it was more precautionary,” he blabbed. “He has felt good and probably could have trained yesterday.”

Nottingham Forest have signed Brazil U-20 captain Andrey Santos from Chelsea on a season-long loan. “It has always been my dream to play in the Premier League and I can’t wait to enjoy playing,” trilled the midfielder in the generic style.

Roma have made an attempt to prevent Romelu Lukaku becoming a modern-day Winston Bogarde at Chelsea and talks are ongoing over a potential loan.

Championship deals: Huddersfield have plundered Rotherham for midfielder Ben Wiles, while that noise you can hear is of sub-editors everywhere cheering Stoke’s move to sign Wouter Burger from Basel.

Manchester United’s Luke Shaw will be on the sidelines for a mysterious amount of time with unspecified muscle-knack. “We can’t give you that [information on timescale],” riddled Erik ten Hag. “That’s personal these days.”

And Joleon Lescott has quit his role as an England U-21 coach to focus on his dream career of being a racing driver sporting director.

Ten things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend, right here.

A team so often caricatured as a one-man show have discovered other ways of winning without a natural No 9. It’s Jonathan Liew on Brentford.

Manchester United’s midfield is not working – what’s missing, asks Dominic Booth.

“She’s brilliant” – Mabel Banfield-Nwachi on the young girls picking up goalkeeping gloves after being inspired by Mary Earps’ heroics – and, presumably, her exemplary use of bad words – at the World Cup.

Past the prawn sandwiches: the women pushing for change in the game. By Paul MacInnes.

And is Eden Hazard going to sample the elixir of life at Crystal Palace and keep his career going? The Mill has the latest rumours here.

To 1991 and Walsall, where The Wonder Stuff are posing on the pitch for group portraits before their June show at the ground. Turns out this was the first major gig staged at the Bescot Stadium, with lead singer Miles Hunt later revealing they “were allowed to have an after-show party in the boardroom”. One attendee that day? Dean Smith. “It was a bit surreal watching them from the pitch that I played on, but it was great fun,” whooped the former Saddlers boss. “My overriding memory was of the rain that lashed down, even though it was supposed to be the summer time. It failed to dampen the atmosphere, though, and it was a great gig. I can recall Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer being on stage to introduce the band and that also added to the occasion.”