Welcome to the 1,549th edition of Let’s All Laugh at Chelsea™, in which Football Daily riffs on the club’s latest defeat, at Championship middlers Middlesbrough in their Fizzy Cup semi-final first leg. Boro goalscorer Hayden Hackney was already the subject of interest from Tottenham, Manchester United and Liverpool before his well-taken goal, which means he’ll probably be a Chelsea player by the time the second leg rolls around.

There is something wonderful about the idea of Chelsea scouts attending the game, noting Hackney’s surging runs past the other midfielders they had earmarked just a few months earlier – Moisés Caicedo and Enzo Fernández, yep, we are once again looking at you – before producing a glowing report to Mauricio Pochettino to explain why the Boro man should be snapped up immediately. Although based on the club’s recent transfer policy, Chelsea and Todd Boehly are just as likely to sign Hackney because he’s a cooler, more hipster London borough than he is a long-term fix for their footballing woes.

Of course, this particular Hackney is not actually a London borough at all, but a very good England Under-21 footballer, who captained his local side in their FA Cup defeat by Aston Villa on Saturday. Boro are no mugs either, despite this season’s inconsistent league campaign. Michael Carrick steered his side to fourth in last year’s Championship table and has every hope of defending the 1-0 lead at Stamford Bridge in the second leg, as the club strive to repeat their famous 2004 triumph in this competition.

Two other teams also aiming to secure this season’s first bit of Fizzy silverware are Liverpool and Fulham, with the latter hoping to survive an Anfield shoeing in the first leg on Wednesday. This is Fulham’s first appearance in the semi-finals, so uncharted territory for the London side, who have won just one of their past 11 meetings with Liverpool. But hey, look on the bright side! At least Trent Alexander-Arnold is knacked!

Perhaps Fulham will give themselves a chance for the second leg. Maybe Chelsea will beat Boro 4-0 at Stamford Bridge in their own return fixture, Cole Palmer will remember he is quite good at this football malarkey, Levi Colwill will double check he hasn’t had his bootlaces tied together again by Isaiah Jones, Christopher Nkunku will return from injury with a matchwinning performance and Pochettino will look down on his £1bn squad with paternal affection. Or maybe the Blues will give Football Daily the chance to write the 1,550th edition of Let’s All Laugh at Chelsea™. Let’s see.

Join Scott Murray at 8pm GMT for minute-by-minute updates on Liverpool 3-1 Fulham in the first leg of the Worthington Cup semi-final.

“It’s really important to emphasise that, of course we’re professional athletes and we have to be fit to do our sport, but a body shape doesn’t determine if you’re fit enough. A lot of people see athletes as robots. It was quite hard for me a few years ago after my heart condition. I’d been out for a while and had gained a bit of weight because I physically couldn’t do anything. It’s not like we train for a week and suddenly you’re fully fit and ready to go. It was tough reading those comments” – Fran Kirby on the toxic abuse she was subjected to on various social media disgraces after returning from a long layoff.

George Ferzoco (yesterday’s letter on Pulp Fiction) seems a little tense – can I suggest a foot massage?” – Mike Rice.

Saturday: Pshaw! Where are all the cup upsets, this is boring. Tuesday: How has this big club lost to a smaller club? This is the end times! I hate modern football” – Darren Leathley.

So, Mr Tickle kept goal for Wigan against Manchester United. That’s Sam Tickle. With extraordinarily long arms, obviously. We definitely need a Mr Men team: Mr (Ian) Rush, Mr Marvellous (Nakamba), Mr Small(ing), Mr Clever(ley), Mr (Evander) Sno(w) would definitely make my squad. Nominations for Mr Uppity, Mr Clumsy, Mr Greedy, Mr Strong, Mr Good, Mr Tall, Mr Topsy-Turvy and more would be welcomed” – Tony Walsh.

Re: Friday’s Football Daily made me reflect on Mackems owner Kyril Louis-Dreyfus’ age of 26.He’s like one of those Apprentice chumps who think they’re on to a sure-fire winner, like selling cash-and-carry cheese in France, before being told by Lord Sour their scheme to redecorate their own bar with Sunderland-hating phrases and images was ‘the worst thing ever seen in this boardroom’ and they were a ‘bladdy disgrace’, before being in no uncertain terms ‘fired’. Fans can’t sack the board though, no matter how many times they sing it” – Alex Plumb.

Send your letters to [email protected]. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Darren Leathley.

Women’s football is yet to take off massively in Argentina but could Juan Roman Riquelme’s arrival as Boca Juniors president herald an improvement, wonders Júlia Belas Trindade. You can sign up to our sister email here.

Napoli striker Victor Osimhen got fresh and funky in the Oscar winning-style earlier when he read quotes in La Gazzetta Dello Sport from the Mr 15% of teammate Kvicha Kvaratskhelia, claiming he was only in the game for the money and would be off to Saudi Arabia when the season was over. “Dear Mamuka Jugeli, you are a piece of filth and a disgrace,” he fumed. “I’m embarrassed at your sense of reasoning. Dumb [eff]! Keep my name out of your mouth.”

The former Netherlands winger Marc Overmars has been banned from holding any position in world football for at least a year after complaints about his inappropriate behaviour towards women while Ajax’s director of football were upheld.

Liverpool’s assistant coach, Pepijn Lijnders, has revealed how the distinctly old-school threat of a punch in the face was among the things that got Liverpool back into their groove last summer. “We really drew a line before pre-season. I said as a joke that if anyone was negative in this building I would punch them in the face,” he JohnSitton-ed.

Today’s other transfer nuggets include how Radu Dragusin was lured by Ange Postecoglou to Tottenham despite Bayern Munich’s interest, Brighton closing in on a deal for Boca Juniors’ Valentín Barco and West Ham needing to get busy in the market now Lucas Paquetá has been ruled out for up to eight weeks with calf-knack. In the WSL, Chelsea have signed the Sweden defender Nathalie Bjorn from Everton on a deal running to summer 2007.

Bayern Munich have projected the words “Danke Franze” on to the Allianz Arena as a tribute to the great Franz Beckenbauer, who died on Monday.

And Ajax are still interested in snapping up Jordan Henderson if the midfielder, having solved Saudi Arabia’s problems, decides his work has been done at Al-Ettifaq.

Nos 70-41 in our top 100 female footballers of 2023 have been revealed, and include rises for Melchie Dumornay, Terese Abelleira and Chloe Kelly.

Saudi Arabia’s latest reputation-laundering exercise big football event is the Spanish Super Cup, which takes place on Wednesday and is the first in a trilogy of meetings between Atlético and Real Madrid. Sid Lowe has the lowdown, or Lowe-down, if you will.

John Brewin on the absolute state of Chelsea.

Talking of the Milk Cup, and tonight’s other tie, Steven Pye recalls Liverpool’s 10-0 shellacking of third-tier Fulham in the same competition in 1986-87.

Inter Miami’s squad is now packed with stunning talent but flaws remain, says Joseph Lowry.

This week’s Knowledge looks at managers who’ve won two or more continental championships, rapid revenge hat-tricks by players against their former club and much more.

And Eintracht Frankfurt striker Omar Marmoush can be the man to give Mo Salah a helping hand in Egypt’s bid for glory at the Africa Cup of Nations, writes Yara El-Shaboury.

December 2005: Fifa mascot Goleo VI arrives at Leipzig train station to greet a group of youth footballers as part of a publicity drive to highlight the train services that would be available for the 2006 World Cup. The engine in the picture could bomb along at 220kph. Woof!