Almost a year to the day since Sheffield United won promotion to the Premier League, their all-too-predictable relegation back to the Championship was confirmed. They went up with three games to spare. They went back down with three games to spare. And in the 366 days that have passed since a vastly superior United team booked their place in the top flight with a win over West Brom, Blades fans have seen them win just three times at Bramall Lane, with one of those coming in last season’s final home game. What with it being the hope that kills you, having their fate sealed with a few games still left in the calendar must surely feel more of a merciful release than the crushing disappointment cheerleaders for The Best League In The World™ would have you believe.

Not that anyone gave United much hope of staying up in the first place. Even before a ball had been kicked, they were most pundits’ favourites for the drop along with Luton, not least because the squad that started the Premier League was significantly worse than the one that had gone up. The sales of Iliman Ndiaye and Sander Berge, and the departure of the loanee Tommy Doyle, meant United’s tilt at staying up was always doomed. Hailed as “one to watch” in Big Website’s Premier League preview of the club’s Premier League prospects, their young striker Daniel Jebbison has been difficult to keep tabs on, as a combination of illness and injuries mean he hasn’t played a single minute of football this season. His fellow striker Rhian Brewster also had yet another campaign almost totally ruined by knack.

“The gap between the Premier League’s haves and have-nots is huge now but some of our performances have been completely unacceptable,” sniffed Blades boss Chris Wilder, following a rare recent game in which his side only stank the place out for one of its two halves. As card-carrying members of the have-nots club, United have shipped five or more goals in seven different top-flight games this season and will almost certainly suffer the ignominy of having to raise their collective bat to the pavilion and all four corners of whatever ground they happen to be playing in when they concede their 100th of the campaign. Considering the amount of money and leisure time their put-upon supporters spend for the privilege of seeing their side get repeatedly battered in a league where the odds are hopelessly stacked against them, they could be forgiven for calling for an open-top bus parade through Sheffield for their side to celebrate their return to a division where they’ll actually be able to compete, and should renew hostilities with city rivals Wednesday for the first time in five years.

“It’s going to be a tough summer,” wailed Wilder, the soon-to-be-former Premier League manager who only has three games left before match officials can comfortably eat sandwiches in his presence with impunity. “But I’ve got another year on my contract and I’d like to think the supporters trust me. I’ve got a desire to get it right next season.” If by getting it “right”, the 56-year-old means finishing a respectable seventh in the Championship so that the supporters in question don’t have to endure another season of misery inflicted upon them by far richer Premier League grandees and state-owned arrivistes with whom their side can’t possibly expect to compete, then Wilder will almost certainly be welcome to stay.

“You can see from my celebration how much it meant to me. It’s all I’ve dreamed of since I started playing. It makes me so excited for next season. Obviously I’m the biggest Everton fan ever, so just to contribute and prove everyone wrong that we can get a point against these teams means so much. I don’t know how I’m going to go to school” – shades of a young Wayne Rooney as 16-year-old old Issy Hobson, a lifelong Evertonian, becomes the youngest ever WSL goalscorer by heading in a 95th-minute equaliser against Arsenal. Her goal secured a 1-1 draw, effectively ending the Gunners’ title bid, and was the Toffees’ first point against Arsenal since 2012 (Hobson was … erm, four). Good luck in double maths, Issy!

I have yet to come to terms with Jürgen Klopp’s impending departure from Anfield, much less the news about his likely replacement. You might say I’m trying to cop that top spot for the Kop’s Klopp slot is Slot” – Peter Oh.

With reference to your impassioned diatribe about the Championship (Friday’s Football Daily); we hear ya. However, I think even its biggest cheerleaders would concede that most would still choose to watch the Premier League if forced to pick sides. Don’t shoot the messenger!” – Anthony Brady.

As you say, lots to love about the Colchester v Derby photo (Friday’s Memory Lane, full email edition), not least the credit: Photograph: Eamonn McCabe” – Iggy.

Re: Arsenal supporter Anne Hathaway (last Wednesday’s Still Want More, full email edition). In one of her most famous films, she embarks on a trip to the edge of a black hole, watching as all the energy is drained from anything straying too close to its gravitational pull. Are you sure she’s not a Manchester United fan?” – Simon Mazier.

Send letters to [email protected]. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Simon Mazier.

“You’re the specialist group of people to make sure we can pull this job off,” growls Sean Dyche in grainy film footage of a team meeting. On first viewing we assumed this was yet another fly-on-the-wall documentary following the fortunes of a Premier League club. In The Dock: Everton’s Latest Stormy Season? Then a song kicks in and five long-haired leather jacket-wearing lads – none of whom are Jarrad Branthwaite, Amadou Onana, James Tarkowski or any other Everton player – bob their heads in time to the catchy bass-line.

Nope, because this is the promo video for What Can I Say (After I’m Sorry), the new single by indie-popsters Blossoms and Dyche is front and centre in it. Well, of course he is. The bucket hat-wearing festival regular was the go-to gaffer for such a part. And he plays it well, directing the balaclava-clad band on their latest heist only for the job to go horribly wrong when the camper van breaks down en route. Thankfully for Dyche, his Everton team haven’t experienced such misfortune as they secured survival with a third straight win. We’re guessing Blossoms have had this in the pipeline for some time and only on confirmation that the Toffees are staying up, did they get the green light to hit play.

A fan has been charged with causing harassment, alarm or distress over alleged tragedy chanting during Manchester United’s 1-1 home draw with Burnley.

Saif Alrubie, a leading agent, has been acquitted of sending an intimidating email message to former Chelsea director of football Marina Granovskaia.

You’ll be shocked to learn the latest view from Anfield after that Salah-Klopp touchline tantrum: nothing to see here.

Dejan Kulusevski and Micky van de Ven have vented their frustration at Tottenham’s mentality during the derby defeat by Arsenal. “They are much more disciplined and a little bit more mature,” parped a surprised Kulusevski, seemingly unaware of the “Lads, it’s Tottenham” narrative that has undermined Spurs for decades. Meanwhile, Arsenal keeper David Raya was thankful that his clanger to gift Tottenham a goal didn’t come back to bite him. “Mistakes are part of football and you learn from them,” he sniffed.

PSG’s men are champions of FranZZZZZZZZ again. In more exciting news, Lyon are into the Women’s Big Cup final, where they will face defending champions Barcelona, after a 5-3 aggregate win over PSG in their semi-final.

Barça controversially beat Chelsea in the other Big Cup semi-final, and Blues defender Jess Carter believes her side have “no choice” but to regroup quickly. “We’ve got a game on Wednesday, you’ve got to dust ­yourself off and go again,” she roared.

Thiago Silva, 78, has announced he is leaving Chelsea. “It’s an indescribable love; I can only say thank you,” sobbed the Brazilian as he It’s Me Not You’d his way towards the door marked Doing One. “I hope to leave the door open so that in the near future I can return, albeit in another role.”

It’s as you were in fitba corner: Celtic and Rangers both notching 2-1 wins on the road. “Two great finishes [by James Forrest],” trumpeted Bhoys vibesman Brendan Rodgers after their victory at Dundee. “He’s one of the fathers of the great success that this club has had over the last decade.”

Oh, Brighton! That’s now no wins in six following the 3-0 shellacking at Bournemouth. “I can’t accept a game without soul because we are Brighton,” Brandon Flowersed Roberto De Zerbi. “It’s not good enough to compete in the Premier League.”

Just when Julen Lopetegui thought he was out, West Ham have pulled him back in again (along with two Championship player targets).

Gillingham are searching for a new manager after giving Stephen Clemence the boot.

And it turns out Lionel Messi is still good at association football. Read all about it!

“Thank you to Stoke City fans who paid me to do something I would have happily done for free. A bit of a shaky take-off but I put that down to the excitement. However, once I got her up in the sky it was smooth all the way from there … and [a] shout out to my instructor Geoff who was guiding me all the way. This is an experience I will cherish for the rest of my life. Fail Park looks like an even bigger [snip – Football Daily Bad Word Ed] hole from the sky” – Ryan Burge, who left Port Vale in acrimonious circumstances 11 years ago, clearly still hasn’t got over whatever his beef was given that he apparently flew a plane over his former club at the weekend with a banner mocking their relegation from League One.

Ten talking points from the weekend’s Premier League action. Right here. And if it’s a review of the latest goings-on in Women’s Big Cup and the WSL you’re after, we have you covered.

Kai Havertz, Arsenal’s stealth striker, channelled Harry Kane to dictate the north London derby, reckons Barney Ronay.

Liverpool could do Arne Slot a favour by selling petulant Mo Salah this summer, writes Jacob Steinberg.

Conspiracies weren’t behind Nottingham Forest’s defeat by Manchester City, it was not getting the basics right that cost them, explains Jonathan Wilson. He’s also been scribbling his weekly newsletter on all things Jürgen Klopp.

Bayern sporting director Max Eberl had to play the role of Malcolm Tucker as Uli Hoeness flapped his gums about Thomas Tuchel before the Madrid semi-final. Andy Brassell has more.

After eight years of turning flecks of gold into treasure, Gian Piero Gasperini is finally closing on a trophy at Atalanta, cheers Nicky Bandini.

And PSG are champions again but the drama is only just beginning for the other 17 clubs, writes Ligue Un aficionado Luke Entwistle.

Bournemouth’s Tony Pulis embarks upon, shall we say, an agricultural challenge during their 2-1 Division Three defeat at Gillingham in 1987. A dominant Tony Cascarino set up both goals for the surging Gills, but they would eventually be denied promotion by Swindon in a playoff final replay. As for Harry Redknapp’s Cherries, they held firm to win the title and reach the second tier for the first time in the club’s history …

… and here’s how the squad shaped up for their pre-season photocall in August later that year. You might recognise the midfield tyro bottom right.