Football is the greatest thing in the world. Regular readers will be surprised to learn the Daily thinks that, but it has a confession to make nevertheless: its exhibition sniping and miserableness are nothing more than an attention-seek, a teenage boy being mean to a girl he fancies with predictable results.

There are those first enthralled by the game itself, its balletic rhythms, er0tic physicality and affirming chaos offering artistic inspiration, sensory reverie and intellectual mastication. Others were first attracted by its anarcho-communist credenda, families, friends and comrades constellating to celebrate the simple fact of their existence; the unknowable complexity of their and all existence. And yet others were ravished by the frisson of possibility; the distant yet galvanic sense that the draw for its premier club competition might, one day, be too complicated to be performed by mere humans in order to satisfy the geopolitical gambits of feudal finks and financial fancies of billionaire boors.

Amazingly, we are almost there, next season’s 36-team Big Cup perming the best in prejudicial competition with an obfuscatory system for the ages, the result a reaffirming meld of resounding integrity. However, being too complex for the simple to grasp, the Daily has no choice but to stop there to consider this season’s more easily intelligible abomination – most particularly the romantic tale that is Arsenal finally progressing beyond the Round of Arsenal by shading the third-best team in Portugal thanks to the heroics of Brentford’s goalie.

The highlight, of course, was the edifying dispute between Mikel Arteta and Sérgio Conceição. The former is renowned for his time as Arsenal captain, reportedly using players’ fines to buy a watch for millionaire chief suit, Ivan Gazidis. But he is also famous for being Arsenal manager, patrolling the touchline in intimidating trousers like all the hardest tweens, free to incite conflict he is arguably ill-equipped to resolve. As such, Arteta stands accused of cussing down Conceição and his family. Quite what was said remains unknown. But Conceição was sufficiently moved to initiate a lío of grown men proportions, the two exchanging empty threats and naughty words to the amusement of all and shame of none. Truly, football is the greatest thing in the world.

Join Simon Burnton from 8pm GMT for hot Big Cup minute-by-minute coverage of Borussia Dortmund 2-1 PSV (agg: 3-2), while Daniel Harris will be on deck for Atlético Madrid 1-1 Inter (agg: 1-2).

“We simply didn’t want to concede in the second half. We managed that and then to get a lucky punch, through a throw-in, a free-kick, or from the halfway line. That we managed to do it is just crazy” – yes, Saarbrücken are at it again, Rüdiger Ziehl’s third-tier team dumping Gladbach out of the German Cup with an added-time winner from Kai Brünker to reach the semi-finals for the second time in four years. “I’m mega-happy,” added Brünker, as well he might be.

So, a computer is to be used for Big Cup draws after Uefa found ‘it would take up to four hours [to do] without digital assistance’. Isn’t that quicker than the whole shebang can take at present?” – Dr Peter Storch.

I’m not sure I’ve witnessed a more pointless spat than the media confection produced after Trent Alexander-Arnold claimed the trophies Liverpool won meant more ‘to us and our fanbase because of the situations at both clubs financially’. To put it in terms relevant to the readership of the Football Daily, we all know that someone with their last Tin will savour it far more than someone with a fridge full of Tin” – Colin Reed.

Send letters to [email protected]. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Colin Reed.

The England Women club v country row has reignited with several WSL outfits understood to have the funk on at FA plans to call players up three weeks before the controversial international window in July.

Austria’s coach Ralf Rangnick has dropped Rapid trio Marco Grüll, Guido Burgstaller and Niklas Hedl from his squad for upcoming friendlies because they took part in homophobic chants after the Vienna derby last month. “This is something that I will not tolerate in a team where I am a coach, whether in a club or here with the national team,” said Rangnick. “Everything we stand for with the national team is at the other end of the scale, and I told the boys that.”

Any future €uropean $uper £eague will not be able to register “Super League” as a trademark in the EU after a ruling in favour of the Danish Superligaen. “We are very happy that the trademark authority has agreed the trademark ‘THE SUPER LEAGUE’ in the EU will violate the value that Danish clubs have invested in 3F Superliga,” tooted league chief suit Claus Thomsen.

Four years on and Barcelona are in the Big Cup quarter-finals again, pushing past Napoli with a 3-1 win in their second leg. “We were the buffoon of [Big Cup], everyone said,” parped Xavi. “And now what?”

Jürgen Klopp insists returning football suit Michael Edwards made no attempt to convince him to stay at Anfield. “He’s not dumb,” cooed Klopp. “That was not a subject to talk about.”

Portsmouth and Derby remain the frontrunners in League One after 2-1 victories over Burton and Reading, respectively.

Ryan Giggs is back in the game as director of football at Salford – a post it seems he has held for much of the season.

Lazio’s Maurizio Sarri is back out of the game after resigning, with assistant Giovanni Martusciello taking over. “The club would like to thank the coach for his achievements and for the work he has done, wishing him the best of luck in his professional and personal life,” they cheered.

And the Cowley brothers are back living with their parents after taking over at Colchester United. “We’ve always been Essex boys and we kind of grew up in this county. Me and Nicky are living at mum and dad’s,” honked Danny. “We joked on the radio a couple of weeks ago that we were in bunk beds – I think they took us seriously. It’s not quite like that but we are back in the bedrooms that we had as young children.”

“Well, you have to be in the present moment, you can’t turn back time. The past is history, the future’s a mystery. Today’s a gift, that’s why they call it the present” – Tranmere boss Nigel Adkins dishes out the wisdom after Rovers’ 2-1 League Two triumph over Mansfield. Well, paraphrases Grand Master Oogway from Kung Fu Panda (and others, admittedly), any road.

Ian Maatsen is enjoying a new lease of life in Germany after joining Borussia Dortmund on loan from Chelsea, as Jacob Steinberg finds out.

With Jürgen Klopp departing in the summer, Andy Hunter looks at how rehiring Michael Edwards can offer Liverpool stability off the pitch.

Have any players ever refused to come out for the second half? And what’s the highest score to be repeated in two legs of one tie? The Knowledge knows.

And Barney Ronay was in north London to see Arsenal passing a “brutal rite of passage” against Porto.

January 1997 and Alan Shearer is collecting a gong from Jimmy Nail at the catchily titled Panasonic Sky Sports Soccer Awards ‘96.