| Antonio Conte and José Mourinho are not BFFs. They’re not even FFs, although they have been known to effing eff at one another on the touchline. In January 2018, while Manchester City were charging towards the title at record speed, Conte and Mourinho passed the time by slinging thinly-disguised abuse back and forth via the medium of press conferences. The insults included “clown”, “fake” and “demenza senile”, and the whole thing peaked when Mourinho, reaching a heroic level of gratuitous pettiness, referenced Conte’s historical ban for failing to report match-fixing. “Did he? Not me.” In other news, both were sacked before the end of the year. And while they’d never admit it, like many enemies they have plenty in common. They’re winners, for one thing, but heaven help the rest of the world when they realise they’re fighting a losing battle. That’s where another shared quality comes in; when it comes to conscientious, passive-aggressive pursuit of the sack, Conte and Mourinho are world leaders. When he first joined Chelsea, Mourinho replaced Claudio Ranieri, whose departure was such a poorly-kept secret that he became known as a “dead man walking”. Mourinho and Conte have redefined the concept: at various times in their careers they have been dead men walking and talking and talking and talking until somebody shuts them up with a P45 and a nice big pay-off. In this particular field of interest, nothing will ever top Mourinho’s departure from Chelsea in 2015-16, a four-month tour de force in which he effortlessly offended around 90% of the world’s population and behaved in increasingly bizarre ways, stopping just short of moving his office to an offline cabin in the woods and sending team talks written in Esperanto via carrier pigeon. But Conte is putting together an impressively sustained portfolio of his own, and it looks like he is about to add another sacking to his CV. There will be no huge pay-off this time, as his contract expires at the end of the season. But for a variety of reasons – boredom, a realisation Spurs are always going to be Spurs, boredom, a new perspective on life after the deaths of Gianluca Vialli, Gian Piero Ventrone and Sinisa Mihajlovic, not to mention his own health problems, boredom – Conte looks ready to take flight DO1 back to Italy. Whatever pretence remained of a future for him and Spurs disappeared with their tepid Big Cup exit against Milan. In terms of results, Conte has overachieved as Spurs manager. They shouldn’t have been in Big Cup to go out of it, and good luck getting more out of that squad. As with Mourinho – see, they have loads in common – his time at Spurs might be very different but for a startling loss of form from Son Heung-min. The problem for Conte is that the results haven’t been nearly good enough to justify the performances, and especially the style of play. Everyone knows it’s over, but first they must do a bit of PR dancing. “I have a contract with Tottenham,” cooed Conte after Wednesday’s game, although intriguingly his mouth, eyes and hands didn’t move one iota. “I respect the contract. At the end of the season, assessments will be made with the club in the most serene way. Let’s see how the season ends,” he continued, shot-putting a crystal ball through the nearest window. “Maybe they can send me away even earlier. Tottenham know very well what my thoughts are and at the end of the season we will meet and make a decision. I am really sorry for the fans, but we cannot hope for a miracle one day that a trophy goes into our training ground. We have to build and have patience,” concluded the man whose average stay in a job is around 14 months. He’s been at Spurs for 16. | 