Gareth Southgate gets planning permission to build sandcastles. Gareth Southgate wears a seatbelt when he sits on the toilet. Gareth Southgate’s favourite sandwich filling is another slice of bread. Various Social Media Disgraces were aflame on Tuesday night, offering – and it should be clarified for legal reasons – imagined scenarios in which England’s manager could apply the handbrake outside of his reported £5m-a-year job. Southgate was trending because of England’s 0-0 draw with European heavyweights Slovenia, a performance that one could only describe as an absolute bonfire of a football match if it passed the relevant fire and safety checks.

The saying goes: “You can’t be too careful”. It turns out you can, as Southgate put on a tactical masterclass in how to suck the life out of some of the best players in the world. In arguably the easiest group of the Euros, with the European Golden Boot winner and several other Ballon d’Or candidates in the squad, England have scored two goals in three games. With seven goals in the nine matches, Group C is the joint lowest-scoring group in Euros history. Against Slovenia, placed 57th in the Fifa world rankings (for context Scotland are 39th), with a population of two million people and just four of their 26-man squad playing club football in Europe’s top five leagues, England showed about as much enterprise as Euro 2024 Daily picking its nose with a jam jar.

Any one player is allowed a bad game. But if everyone has a stinker, then it’s probably something more deep rooted. Jude Bellingham was doing a good impression of impersonating David James’s outfield cameo for Manchester City. Phil Foden was sent to the left wing, when it is abundantly obvious to anyone with a pair of eyes that he has more in common with the Daily Express’ leanings than Kieran Trippier. Harry Kane spent most of the evening in Cologne wandering around the midfield hoping someone might finally notice him. And despite both of England’s goals this tournament coming from the right flank, when Kyle Walker was finally allowed to enter the opposition’s half, the defender spent his evening firing hopeful passes to a marooned Bukayo Saka, who in turn spent most of his evening passing the ball straight back.

Southgate was seemingly shocked to learn that England fans – most of whom have spent thousands of pounds and cashed in their brownie points to attend the game were not grateful for that goalless draw. Instead a few plastic beer cups and some choice words were hurled at the England manager as he did his lap of honour. “I understand the narrative towards me,” comprehended Southgate. “That’s better for the team than it being towards them but it is creating an unusual environment to operate in. I’ve not seen any other team qualify and receive similar. We’ve made England fun again and it’s been very, very enjoyable for the players. We’ve got to be careful it stays that way.” He continued: “I recognise when you have moments at the end of the game, I’m asking the players to be fearless.” We’re pretty sure he’s not, and that’s the point. Nobody is saying Southgate is a bad bloke. His eight-year tenure has been run almost exclusively on vibes since its inception. Vibes are good! Harry Maguire on the Love Train and Saka on an inflatable unicorn certainly have their merits. Just probably not enough to conquer Europe’s footballing elite. The sooner the rest of England accepts that, the better.

Join Barry Glendenning at 5pm BST for updates on Ukraine 2-2 Belgium, while Michael Butler will be on hand at the same time for Slovakia 0-0 Romania. And at 8pm BST, Rob Smyth is covering Georgia 1-1 Portugal while Scott Murray takes in Czech Republic 2-1 Turkey.

This war has been affecting Ukrainian players every day for more than two years. Yesterday, the Russians attacked Kharkiv with aerial bombs, causing destruction and casualties. Every day you read such news. It is unknown how long this war will continue. All players have friends and relatives in Ukraine. We think about our country and our people [every day]” – veteran midfielder Taras Stepanenko with some perspective before his nation’s vital (only in the football sense) final group game against Belgium.

As we are reinventing national football shirts and logos this week (Euro 2024 Daily letters passim), it goes without saying that Nessie should long since have been adapted as Scotland’s emblem: a strange, shapeless creature that continues to plumb the depths of her realm, yet somehow surfaces every few decades to get Scottish hearts giddily racing about what inevitably turns out to be a complete chimera” – Justin Kavanagh.

Am I the only one that blames Marks & Spencer for the way England are playing? We were doing fine when Gareth Southgate was wearing his waistcoat. Then we sign a new deal with M&S and he starts wearing some weird, short-sleeve, cream, woollen polo, starts dropping players like Marcus Rashford and Jack Grealish (solely on the basis that they weren’t playing well), he only picks one left-back (who is knacked) and suddenly we are by far the worst team in the tournament (excluding Scotland, obviously). It’s like when Andre Agassi’s tennis racket deal with Prince ran out and he switched to Donnay, which proved to be a disaster so he started using the Prince one again but with a Donnay logo painted on it (see autobiography for further details). Come on Southgate, stop ignoring the magical properties of the waistcoat and let’s Make England Great Ag … oh, that means something different these days, doesn’t it?” – Noble Francis.

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Fans of the England team and music will have their loyalties tested on Sunday after Glastonbury organisers announced they would not put on the last-16 game, saying the match will clash with headline acts [some might say they’re being saved – Euro 2024 Daily Ed]. “In previous years, we have endeavoured to show notable matches on big screens where possible, particularly on days before the main stages have opened,” declared a statement from the festival. “However, the decision has been made that – as in 2014 and 2016 – [the match] will not be shown.” Looks like it will be down to Janelle Monae to bring the updates from her performance on the Pyramid Stage then.

Georgia coach Willy Sagnol has denied allegations of political interference after being asked whether forward Budu Zivzivadze’s playing time had been limited because of his reported criticism of a new law on foreign agents. “I want to take proper decisions based only on football fact,” roared Sagnol. “Who plays and who doesn’t play, it is my entire decision, that’s it.”

Austria are through to the last 16 as group winners, seeing off the Netherlands 3-2 in a cracking encounter. “We got rewarded for this courageous and energetic performance,” whooped Ralf Rangnick. “I have said months ago, I don’t think it is very probable to win the Euros. If someone asked me if I can completely rule it out, it is still not very likely. The lads want to go as far as possible.”

France coach Didier Deschamps insists his team will click despite having to settle for second place in that group after a 1-1 draw with Poland. “We will be ready for the round of 16,” he tooted. “It is a new competition that is starting. You cannot always read a competition just from the group stage. We deserve to be second, I am satisfied.”

It’ll be Germany v Denmark in the last 16 after the Danes’ dull stalemate with Serbia punched their ticket for the knockout stage. “I have a good feeling about that game,” honked Kasper ­Hjulmand. “When we play the big nations, we always step up.”

And Luis de la Fuente is excited by his Spain squad’s variety and reckons his 16-year-old forward Lamine Yamal was “touched by God’s wand”.

Big Sir Jim Ratcliffe’s marginal gains will involve the Manchester United women’s team being moved into portable buildings at the club’s Carrington training complex this season to allow the men’s squad to use the women’s facilities while their own are being revamped.

In other news, Mary Earps is poised to leave United and may be taking her goalkeeping gloves to PSG.

At the Copa América, Argentina have edged out Chile 1-0 through Lautaro Martínez, while Jonathan David’s goal means Canada beat Peru 1-0 for a first win over South American opposition in 24 years.

Southend’s winding up petition was dismissed at the high court on Wednesday after a last-gasp deal was struck. “It was beyond the 11th hour,” said chief suit Ron Martin. “It’s very good news for the club and paves the way for the future.”

And the Football League fixtures are out for the new season and, ahem, every team in the Championship, League One and League Two will play each other twice. Of note: every game across the opening and last weekends will be broadcast live in the UK on Sky Sports+ under the EFL’s new £935m deal, which will see a total of 1,059 matches shown live over the course of the season.

“Here we are: a team that is hanging on in this tournament, driven by a striker who is basically hanging on in games. Who has few concrete goals beyond endurance, survival, until by divine providence or the graft of others, he gets a chance he can convert. It’s a plan, to be sure, albeit one with precious little dignity and even fewer guarantees.” Jonathan Liew on the Kane paradox.

Barney Ronay reflects on Conor Gallagher being the fretful fall guy in England’s latest midfield display to forget.

Paul MacInnes reports on the England fan experience in Cologne, while Jessica Murray joins regulars at the Green Duck in Stourbridge to watch local boy Jude Bellingham in action.

And which tournament winners took the longest time to score their first goal? The Knowledge knows.

Twenty-eight years ago today, all eyes were on Wembley as hosts England took on Germany in the Euro 96 semi-finals. Let’s be honest, we all know what happened – so let’s take a moment to contemplate a parallel universe where Paul Gascoigne turned Alan Shearer’s cross into the net, England went on to win the final and football eventually came home.