I do.

Now, when I'm thinking clearly and am not down on myself, I know I'm not fat.

But this has some history.

It started when I was a teenager. I was at a youth event. We were all in a swimming pool. My dad said to me, "You're getting a bit of a gut on you there!"

I could show you pictures from that time in my life. There's no way anyone would have considered me fat.

BUT... what was said to me pierced right through to the core of my being and got stuck there. Never in my life up to that point was I self-conscious about my gut. From then on I was.

Even a few weeks ago my osteopath was working on me and we were talking about overall health. She asked how my workout routine, diet, all that stuff was going. I mentioned my gut. In alarm and dismay she said I didn't have a gut at all. A lot has to do with my posture. I have a sway in my lower back. When my body is aligned and I stand firm and straight and relaxed, I'm slim. When I sway, of course my belly sticks out. She actually demonstrated it with herself and with my own body. She's right!

But all the proof and evidence of my actual body cannot overpower the criticism I received as a teen.

It often makes me wonder if my discipline towards my weight, my workouts, and my diet, is all my desperate attempt to run away from that criticism. Sometimes I think all my health orientation is actually fear based rather than actual health based. Meaning, I don't want to be judged for being fat, so I work my ass off. I mean my gut off.

I realized this can apply to so many other areas of our life... that we excel in some things because we are actually afraid of becoming its opposite.

We are very spiritual because we are afraid of our dark side.

We are very well-read because we are afraid of being seen as stupid.

We are super modest because we are afraid of being perceived as sensual or sexual beings.

We are overly macho because we are afraid of people thinking we're kind of feminine.

Do you see what I mean? 

These qualities we strive so hard to achieve and desire to be praised or noticed for do not come from a peaceful and self-loving place, but from a place of great fear and self-loathing.

Is there something you're super disciplined in and you too suspect it's because you're running away from being judged for being the opposite?

I think this is an important question to ask.

And I love you for daring to ask it.