“Use this to ruin the lives of the people you’re feeding” - A warning that someone left for grocery shoppers by the cilantro. There are? three types of people in this world. People who are indifferent to cilantro. ?People who hate it. ?And this guy.

THINGS GOING DOWN IN DC

THE STORY

The US government is on the verge of a shutdown. Again.

WHAT’S GOING ON?

Earlier this year, Congress passed a temporary spending bill to keep DC’s lights on. It expires today. Guess who still doesn’t have their sh*t together? Congress. So now, they have to OK another temporary extension to fund the government through April. That bill passed the House. But Senate Dems are holding it up, arguing to extend health benefits for retired coal miners that expire soon. They’re trying to convince Senate Republicans to agree. Republicans are saying House members have already gone home for the holidays and aren’t around to approve any changes to the bill. So it’s too late and not gonna happen right now. But any potential shutdown probably wouldn’t last long. The Senate says it’d pull some weekend all-nighters to talk it out and vote before winter break.

theSKIMM

The government shuts down on Saturday if the Senate doesn’t put more money in the piggy bank. Nothing like a little bipartisan holiday cheer.

THE STORY

Yesterday, President-elect Donald Trump said he’ll nominate fast food exec Andy Puzder for Labor Secretary.

TELL ME MORE.

The Labor Secretary oversees things like the minimum wage and workplace safety. Puzder is the CEO of the parent company of Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s - the hamburgers of choice for women in bikinis everywhere. Some say his CEO resume could be good for creating jobs and helping businesses fight strict regulations. In the past, Puzder has been critical of a lot of President Obama’s labor policies. Like one that made more people eligible for overtime pay. He’s not down with the Fight for $15 - a years-long push by Dems and fast food workers to raise the hourly federal minimum wage.

theSKIMM

Puzder’s nomination means that someone could be taking over the labor dept. with an eye toward putting the kibosh on years of Obama-era business policies. Burgers with a side of political fries.

THE *: Speaking of jobs, Trump will still get executive producer credit on NBC’s next season of “Celebrity Apprentice.” Meaning he’ll keep picking up paychecks for producing a reality show while serving as president of the United States. You can read that again.

REPEAT AFTER ME...

WHAT TO SAY TO YOUR FRIEND WHO FOLLOWS NASA ON INSTAGRAM...

RIP John Glenn. Yesterday, the first American to orbit Earth died at age 95. Glenn’s historic flight happened back in the early 60s, at a time when space travel was still a shiny new thing. His resume also includes serving in the Marines during WWII, serving as an Ohio senator for more than two decades, and becoming the oldest person to go to space in the late 90s. So, yes, he was a little more accomplished than you. Glenn’s cause of death is unclear but he was hospitalized recently and had suffered a stroke in the past.

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU HEAR MICK JAGGER’S A DAD FOR THE EIGHTH TIME…

He better be able to support them all. A new study shows people in their 30s aren’t earning more cash money than their parents. Only about half of 30-year-olds now earn more than their parents did when they were 30. Big deal because back in the 70s, almost all 30 year-olds were making more money than their parents at the same age. This is thanks to growing income inequality in recent years. But wait, there’s more good news. Yesterday, data came out that shows the life expectancy for Americans has gone down - by just a liiitle bit - for the first time in more than two decades. Blame heart disease, Alzheimer’s, and kidney disease. Bottom line, it looks like we’re all getting sicker and poorer. Happy Friday!

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU FIND A TYPO IN YOUR FRIEND’S RESUME…

Hold up. Earlier this week, a federal judge put the brakes on Michigan’s recount of presidential election results. Reminder: during the presidential campaign, the US gov accused Russia of interfering with the presidential election by doing things like hacking the DNC. Then, after the election, data scientists said they found evidence that votes may have been hacked in Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania - three states that President-elect Donald Trump won by slim margins. So, over the past few weeks, Green Party presidential candidate Jill Stein filed for recounts in all those states. And Hillary Clinton’s team said ‘count us in.’ The recount is underway in WI. But now the judge in MI says ‘not happening’ because Stein doesn’t have enough proof that voting was hacked. PA’s saying it’ll consider the request to recount today. And everyone else is saying these recounts never really make a difference anyway. 2016, go home. You’re drunk.

WHAT TO SAY TO YOUR FRIEND WHO REALLY IDENTIFIED WITH ROSS GELLER...

Shake your dino feather.

THING TO KNOW

Yuletide: Meet ye Old English word for Christmas, and the whole holiday season. Make that yuletide gay by picking up a Dunkin’ holiday coffee for you and your cubicle buddy. Crème Brulée, Peppermint Mocha, Salted Caramel...it’ll be a coffee-fueled winter wonderland.

SKIMM READS

“High Dive” by Jonathan Lee

A bomb is planted at a hotel in the ’80s. The same hotel where British PM Margaret Thatcher’s about to check in. Based on a true story, this read about an attempted assassination is like “The Crown” meets “Jackie.” Buy here.

SKIMM'NESS

Skimm A and Skimm B are going home for the holidays. And they’re not bringing their desktops. Enter: the laptop/tablet/wizard that’ll be their couch buddy when they’re work, work, work, work, working from home. Sweats, hot chocolate, Surface. Check. Oh, and theSkimm got you an exclusive offer. Get in on it here.

P.S. this is an affiliate partner, which means if you buy it, theSkimm may get some cash money. Thanks.

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