1. Class in Session

We’re fast approaching the return of school, and for many of us that means the return of some form of that dreaded “distance learning,” keeping kids cooped up in the house with minimal actual learning. As you wade through the endless lists of tips, why not go to an expert: Johns Hopkins’ Linda Carling, who lays out some helpful markers for parents. Be flexible, get the kiddo some exercise before she has to focus on a task and invest in congratulatory stickers for well-executed homework. Everyone needs a pick-me-up.

Of course it’d be too easy when hanging out with die kinder to just put the phone away, but the practical among us have realized it’s just not possible. So how about a “fake” cellphone by way of an old calculator? It works! Right up until they realize they’re growing up in a House of Lies. And that’s when, once they’re older, you pull off the ultimate trick. Make your kid the weird kid: no phone. They’ll learn to talk AND look you in the eye. 

3. Bathing Beasties

Bath time can be … fraught. They don’t want to get in. Or once in, they don’t want to get out. Or both. The problem is bathing feels routine, and for kids, routine sometimes feels like death. Like how you feel on Sunday night about having to go to work on Monday. Solution? The geniuses at Dad Patrol came up with ... putting an inflatable pool in the house! 

1. So It's Come to Your House

Heaven forbid it happens, but just in case someone inside the four walls you call home has been hit with the coronavirus, what do you do? Well, you do what you can do: Isolate the person as much as possible, stock up on soap and designate one (preferably lower-risk) member of the household to care for the patient.

Crowdsourcing a response to a tragedy seems like a good idea, but while watching a building burn, you must always be mindful of pickpockets. That's why when you check out this massive resource for COVID hacks, you probably shouldn't sign up for anything. Why? Old-man paranoia, that’s why. But there’s great stuff in here. My fave: using diving masks and snorkels to keep beasties from your nasal passages. 

So, despite all of your best efforts, life has finally had its way with you, and next up? Death. Well, goody for you, and all of us really, that there’s now an app for that. The app ETER9 will execute AI-driven social media posts on your platforms after you die. No, we’re not sh*tting you.

Quarantine fitness is a thing. Stairmasters and treadmills in shuttered gyms will not help, but the vast outdoors will. So get some shoes and start running. And not just any kind, but mindful running, in which you ditch the earbuds and focus on your stride and your breathing. The idea is to tap into benefits associated with traditional meditation, like slowing down the mind. And couldn’t we all use that right now?

If you’re going to go First World to get fit, go the whole way. Which is to say, go equestrian. But what do you do when you’re too high-toned for just an ordinary horse? You go for a high-tech fake horse that costs $60,000 a pop but that you can rent for much less. Believe it.

Well before CrossFit imploded under the weight of its founder’s public meltdown, there was a singular voice making the claim that if you wanted to get strong, like old-time, strong-man strong, there was one clear-cut way to do it. And it had very little to do with rubber-coated beauty bells, and a lot to do with duffel bags full of bricks, chains and pig iron. Welcome to the world of Brooks Kubik.

You’re out and about. On vacation, when such things return to the realm of possibility. You’ve done the museums, the eateries, the bar crawls and really what you’d like is a little YOU time away from the madding crowds. But how to translate the word “hike” into whatever language holds sway wherever you are? No need. Really. Because … wait for it ... there’s an app for that! 

2. Sleepy Time Down South

The hike’s over. And you’re amped, and in some crazy-cool foreign locale, and despite the jet lag (when plane travel becomes a thing again) or maybe because of it, you can’t sleep. It’s become easy enough to take pills or drink to deal with this. But suppose you want tricks and tips that are not medicinal in nature? Here you go. 

Say the sleep hacks are not doing it. It’s time to go deep, deep, DEEP into some kind of very real sleep, and for that there’s the glory of a sleep retreat, where you can get coached by professionals on the best way to get shut-eye, all while enjoying paradise-like surroundings. It’s so meta that whoever thought it up should get an award for placing themselves between us and a solution we clearly need. 

If you have a living room, chances are there are better things to do with it other than playing Fortnite yet again, whilst “working from home.” How about using it to make you money? Turns out there are places that will pay you to take surveys or give feedback about websites. Believe it.

There are some people who feel about the stock market the way non-golfers feel about golf. They know it’s out there and they know it does something that has something to do with money, but the money part is where the party stops for them, since if they had money enough to gamble on stocks they wouldn’t worry about money. Well, you know … there’s an APP for that! Of course there is. Four in fact. 

Sure, calling yourself a “digital nomad” makes it sound nicer than “desperado,” but if all of the sh*t hits all of the fans at the same time, you’re going to need a travel mate on how to best beat it out of Dodge. This site has some great tips on escaping responsibly, from how to budget to the best ways to find cheap accommodations around the globe. That is, when we can travel again.

Who wouldn’t want to take life advice from a shirtless Texan named Thor? And his absurdist advice (example: rubbing olive oil and Epsom salt on a painful spot will make it greasier and saltier) is worth its weight in gold. Or some other ingot of comparable value.