Coronavirus Advice From the Demon Sex Doctor

1. Kamala Harris

The California senator is polished, prosecutorial and experienced. Still, some question whether that record helps or hurts her with progressives. She’s unwilling to repent for knifing Biden in a primary debate, but the fact that the 55-year-old survived the crucible of a presidential run without major scandal bodes well for a Team Biden that doesn’t want to botch its lead.

If Biden doubts that Harris will actually be loyal to him while in the White House, he could go with Bass — the 66-year-old chairwoman of the Congressional Black Caucus and lead architect of the House police reform bill championed in the wake of the George Floyd protests. She doesn’t have the same national-stage experience as some others, but is a canny legislative veteran, and someone who, like Biden, has suffered the tragedy of losing a child.

3. Susan Rice

Although she's never run for elected office, the 55-year-old Rice has extensive White House experience, having worked directly with Biden as national security adviser under Barack Obama. Some point out that while she doesn’t have bona fides in campaigning herself, “what campaign trail is there” this year anyway?

4. Tammy Duckworth

The former U.S. Army helicopter pilot was shot down over Iraq in a crash that resulted in her losing both legs. In the Senate, the 52-year-old Thai American has been a pioneer for working moms, though she recently drew flak for saying she was open to a “national dialogue” about taking down monuments to the slave-owning George Washington.

Who looked at the recent headlines and thought: “Man, what America is really crying out for is a cop in the White House?” Perhaps that’s unfair — the 63-year-old former Orlando police chief has also been an able congresswoman for nearly four years — but it does raise questions about how much the Harley-riding, gun-owning, swing-state crusader could be criticized for her time with the blue.

Exceedingly well-liked among Democrats, the Massachusetts senator’s plan-for-everything approach has influenced Biden’s emerging platform. Plus, the 71-year-old has helped him raise money and been an active TV surrogate. But Biden appears eager to take a woman of color, Warren’s sharp-edged progressivism could scare off swing voters, and the two have some old bad blood.

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1. Chris Dodd

Yes, we know Biden has promised a woman. But remember how Dick Cheney once ran George W. Bush’s search committee … and ended up being the pick? Dodd’s legendary carousing with the late Ted Kennedy, coziness with business interests during his time in the Senate and post-Senate lobbying career don’t make him an ideal partner here, as he’s vetting Biden’s options.

2. Ellen DeGeneres

She’s wildly successful, hilarious, groundbreaking for the LGBTQ movement … just don’t look her in the eye when you tell her that. Reports indicate DeGeneres oversees a toxic workplace out of step with this or any time.

3. Sheryl Sandberg

Can Biden have it all? Sandberg would theoretically bring working-women street cred from her Lean In days and help Biden hack Trump’s massive Facebook advantage. But the COO for everyone’s favorite Big Tech punching bag, whose advice about leaning in comes easier when you can afford nannies, would be an anchor on the ticket.

4. For Trump: Tom Cotton

Don’t put it past Trump to shake things up and dump Mike Pence if he’s down in the polls and wants a new jolt of energy. And Cotton has a lot going for him: Harvard-educated, Army combat experience, got the opinion editor of the New York Times fired. But the Arkansas senator’s militant conservatism would only serve to further inflame the country. (Though we do concede that may be the point.)

You tell us. Who’s the worst pick you can imagine for vice president? Reply to this email or tweet at us to let us know.

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1. Trillions of Dollars of Daylight

When it comes to the next phase of government relief for the coronavirus, the Republican Senate and Democratic House have some differences, to say the least … about $2 trillion worth of them. Republicans want to pare back the extra $600 per week of unemployment benefits to $200, while giving out another round of $1,200 stimulus checks, plus extensions of loans and liability protections for businesses. Meanwhile, Democrats want to maintain the increased jobless aid, plus $200 billion in rental and mortgage relief and $3.6 billion to safeguard election security. With the increased unemployment expiring at week’s end, the pressure is on.

2. Open-Door Policy?

With school restarting, teachers have been caught in the crosshairs of the coronavirus culture wars. Ramping up the pressure, the GOP Senate bill offers $70 billion to K-12 public and private schools … but two-thirds of that is reserved for schools with a “physical reopening plan.” That leaves classrooms that go virtual scrapping for a sliver of the pie, despite the fact that — in person or not — schools will need to keep paying for their greatest, and most costly, resource: our nation’s teachers.

Given how long this has taken, the nation must seriously consider the deadly ramifications of a prolonged closure — particularly in its potential to increase deaths from suicide and drug abuse. Both bills add funds for mental health (though the Democrats want more, for telemedicine in particular), as telework is likely fueling a rise in depression.

4. Home Sweet Home

The fight over a new FBI headquarters has gone on for years, with Virginia and Maryland jockeying for the project. The drama took an especially weird turn when the White House inserted $1.75 billion into the Senate coronavirus relief proposal to construct the HQ over the old one on Pennsylvania Avenue … a decision Democrats say is meant to keep the Trump Hotel, which sits across the street, from facing competition from a new tenant. Even GOP senators oppose the funding.

5. Docs Without Credentials

A Capitol Hill press conference featuring doctors with questionable credentials lit up social media on Monday, with conservative outlets, Trump and GOP super PACs all amplifying a simple message: that Americans shouldn’t wear face masks, that schools should reopen and that hydroxychloroquine is a cure for COVID-19, despite multiple clinical trials from legitimate medical groups showing it has not benefited patients. Among the lauded speakers were an eye doctor whose license lapsed a year ago and Dr. Stella Immanuel … who has also said she believes endometriosis is caused by patients having sex with demons in their sleep (story by the outlet perfectly named to break it: The Daily Beast).

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1. Motown Sound

On Tuesday, Rep. Rashida Tlaib, a member of “The Squad” of outspoken liberal first-term women of color in the House, will face off once again against Detroit City Council President Brenda Jones for the fourth time in just two years. Tlaib has raised millions on the back of her viral sparring with Trump — calling him a “motherf*cker” on her first day in office — while Jones has deep roots in the Black political community in Detroit. Jones contends, per the Detroit Free Press, that Tlaib is more interested in being “a rap star” than a congresswoman.

The first Somali-American Muslim woman elected to Congress, Ilhan Omar — also a Squad member — made immediate waves … both for her unapologetic progressivism and her nearly-as-unapologetic anti-Semitism (she has tweeted remarks suggesting that Israel has “hypnotized the world” and that support for them was “all about the Benjamins,” playing into at least two racist stereotypes regarding Jews). Her anti-Trump rhetoric has of course won her fans in the liberal Minneapolis district, but attorney Antone Melton-Meaux is nearly neck and neck with the incumbent in fundraising. It doesn’t help that just this week, Vice reported that Omar’s campaign sent out a mailer asking, “Can We Trust Antone Melton-Meaux’s Money?” before listing off three of his donors — all Jewish. Election Day is Aug. 11.

3. The Insurgent Surgeon

In the Tennessee race to replace retiring Sen. Lamar Alexander, the Republican front-runner Bill Hagerty had it all — business cred in private equity, plus establishment and outsider creds as a Trump-endorsed former economic adviser to George H.W. Bush and ambassador to Japan. What he didn’t expect was the emergence of Manny Sethi, an Indian American first-time candidate who claims he is the true heir to Trumpism … and has gained traction while calling Hagerty a phony, Romney-esque Republican. The Vanderbilt University trauma surgeon has even picked up the endorsements of Sens. Ted Cruz and Rand Paul. Tennesseans will decide on Aug. 6 which candidate emerges from what Politico is calling “the nastiest Republican primary in the country” — and the winner will waltz to victory in this red state in November.

Even amid the heightened tensions between the U.S. and China, the crowd’s cheers as the American flag was lowered at the shuttered Chengdu consulate was a repudiation of the Trump administration’s latest approach to China — portraying itself as a friend to the Chinese people, and enemy only to the country’s ruling Communist Party. The problem doesn’t lie in drawing that important distinction. It lies in the lack of sincerity in that approach, and how that doublespeak is part of a pattern that has left the world distrustful of foreign policy pronouncements by Washington.

2. Democracy Delayed

Hong Kong might postpone its legislative elections — currently scheduled for September — amid a surge in COVID-19 infections, the city's public broadcaster said Wednesday. It would be a setback for pro-democracy parties that have successfully galvanized support against pro-Beijing factions in the aftermath of China's controversial new security law for the region.

3. Legalizing Gender Violence

On the surface, there's little in common between Turkey and Poland : One's turning toward conservative Islam; the other is embracing rigid Catholicism. But they're both taking controversial steps that could lead to the countries withdrawing from the Istanbul treaty, a European pact aimed at combating violence against women. And they're both citing religion as their reason.

1. The “DCAZ” — Democratic Convention Autonomous Zone

More than 100 police agencies have pulled out of agreements to help with security for the Democratic National Convention, Aug. 17–20, after the Milwaukee police chief changed department policy to restrict crowd-control methods such as tear gas and pepper spray. Rather than resist, Democrats should take the opportunity to embrace the future described by many “defund the police” progressives — by setting up their own autonomous zone, Seattle-style, albeit (hopefully) sans the shootings.

2. (Masked) Man of the People

After the DCAZ is up and running, Biden could also show off his “working-class Joe” image once more, by marching out to join a crowd of protesters — likely many from the Bernie Sanders camp. He could show off his masked look as a champion of public-health expert guidance while giving a powerful show of humility … assuming, of course, he doesn’t receive the Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey “shame!” treatment.

3. Show of Force

Trump has fawned over authoritarian strongmen, and his GOP Convention could be his chance to become one himself now that his shindig in Jacksonville has been canceled. It could begin with his accepting the nomination from the cabin of Air Force One — thumbing his nose again at ethics laws around using government resources for campaigning. Then he could touch down in Chicago or Portland, strapped in a bulletproof vest, to deliver a speech about America’s burning inner cities … while pinning a Bronze Star on Acting Homeland Security Secretary Chad Wolf for his brave and noble war against those troublesome U.S. citizens.

4. Crowd Control

Given that Republicans have already had to change their travel plans twice now, from North Carolina to Florida … to North Carolina, again ? … we say Trump should eschew having real people show up at all. In fact, he should pipe in the fake crowd noise from Major League Baseball games and enlist mannequins from South Korean soccer matches as his audience. Of course, he should probably get rid of the sex dolls. Or maybe not … we don’t judge.