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1. Ukraine Trolls Weeping Russian Tourists With Bananarama Clip

  CRIMEA RIVER 

The defense ministry advised visitors to stay away “unless they want an unpleasantly hot summer break.”

WORLD

2. Man Pays to Fly ‘Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha’ Banner Over Mar-a-Lago

 LAUGH IT UP 

“It brought me a lot of joy to do so,” he said. “I would do it again.”

POLITICS

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3. Trump Thanked for His ‘Sacrifices’ at $2K-a-Head Fundraiser

 DEAR LEADER 

The swanky event came hours after his fraud deposition where he invoked the Fifth over and over.

POLITICS

4. Seoul Will Ban ‘Parasite’ Basement Homes After Flood Deaths

 ‘THREATENS THE VULNERABLE’ 

South Korea’s capital has seen 11 people left dead or missing in historic rains this week.

WORLD

Best Buy’s Anniversary Sale Means 50% Off Dyson and Apple

 TECH FOR LESS 

Best Buy’s Anniversary Sales Event includes up to 50% off Dyson, Apple, Sony, and more.

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5. Florida Cops Beg People to Stop Interrupting Manatee Orgies

 OH THE HU-MANATEE 

“Folks were trying to touch them. Please don’t.”

U.S. NEWS

6. Kim Jong Un Was ‘Seriously Unwell’ in COVID Crisis, Sis Says

 DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS 

Party members wept as Kim Yo Jong described her tyrannical sibling’s ordeal.

WORLD

7. China Ditches Promise Not to Send Troops to Taiwan

 NEW RULES 

Beijing is now offering Taiwan less freedom after what it calls “reunification.”

WORLD

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8. College Slammed for Allowing ‘Ph.D. in Masturbation’

 CRIMES AGAINST THE HUMANITIES 

The researcher spent three months touching himself to comics featuring young boys.

WORLD

9. ISIS ‘Beatles’ Killer Gang Member Arrested at U.K. Airport

 NABBED 

Aine Davis had just been released from a Turkish prison and had touched down in the U.K., where British police were waiting for him.

WORLD

10. NYC Carriage Horse Collapses on Hot Street in ‘Distress’

 ‘SICK’ 

Police officers hosed the animal off with water, and it eventually managed to rise to its feet, to cheers from dozens of concerned onlookers.

U.S. NEWS

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11. Ex-JPMorgan Traders Found Guilty of Fraud in Spoofing Trial

 ALL THAT GLITTERS 

The two convicted traders were cleared of racketeering and conspiracy. A third defendant was acquitted of all the charges he faced.

U.S. NEWS

12. Cops Search for Mom and Kids on Ezra Miller’s Farm: Report

 FLASH, BACK 

The DC star seemed like they were attempting to “evade service” of an emergency care order, state officials said.

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13. Anne Heche Under Investigation for Felony DUI: TMZ

 HEAT IS ON 

The homeowner of the residence into which the actress drove her Mini Cooper last Friday has said she was superficially injured in the incident.

ENTERTAINMENT

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