1. U.S. Intel Fears Taliban Could Seize Kabul ‘Within a Month’

  NIGHTMARE SCENARIO 

A ferocious offensive has seen the Taliban take eight provincial capitals within a week.

2. COVID-Ravaged Florida County: Please Use 911 ‘Sparingly’

 EMERGENCIES ONLY 

Brevard County’s fire rescue chief has begged residents to only use the emergency line if they require urgent assistance, as hospitals and crews are overrun.

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3. Finally, a Sports Bra That Doesn’t Just Crush My Boobs

 WORK IT 

Sports bras are a necessary garment for athletics but haven’t gotten the same research and development treatment as other sports equipment—until now.

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4. Raging Rand Paul Gets YouTube Timeout for Anti-Mask Nonsense

 COVER YOUR MOUTH 

The GOP senator fumed against his ban in a post on Twitter, describing YouTube’s mods as “leftwing cretins.”

5. Texas House Speaker Issues Arrest Warrants for Holdout Dems

 SCORCHED-EARTH 

After Republicans in the state House voted to empower law enforcement to search for the missing lawmakers and return them to their legislative posts.

6. The Luxury, Fair-Trade Towels That I Feel Good About Using

 WHAT GETS WETTER THE MORE IT DRIES? 

In addition to being soft and quick-drying, they are made with sustainable, 100% pure organic cotton terry and are produced in a fair-trade factory.

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7. Virginia Boy, 5, Dies After Being Left for Hours in Hot Car

 ‘TRAGIC ACCIDENT’ 

The child was strapped into a car seat as temperatures hit the mid-90s outside.

8. NCAA Track Star Cameron Burrell Dies at 26

 R.I.P. 

Cameron Burrell’s medical records place him in a parking garage at the time of his death.

9. Chris Cuomo Urged His Brother to Resign: NYT

 LA FAMIGLIA 

The two reportedly spoke regularly over the past week as the governor attempted to fend off a damning attorney general’s report.

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10. Man Flaunts Machine Gun on Insta, Promptly Gets Cuffed: Docs

 OPSEC GENIUS 

When Ryan Parker livestreamed a 9mm handgun that had been converted to fully-automatic fire, he apparently didn’t know the cops were watching.

11. 2-Yr-Old Kills Father With Glock He Thought Was Toy: Family

 TRAGIC 

The toddler’s grandmother said, “His father was feeding his son dinner when it happened.”

12. Indiana Abortion Restrictions Blocked by Federal Judge

 STRUCK DOWN 

The decision comes amid mounting efforts by conservatives to challenge Roe v Wade.

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13. Newborn Baby Found Tucked in Dresser Drawer in Chicago Alley

 ‘MIRACLE’ 

The child was later transported to a local hospital, where he remained in good condition.

14. San Francisco to Mandate COVID-19 Vaccines for School Staff

 ‘A NECESSARY STEP’  

The announcement is a reversal from previous policy suggestions, which indicated the city would only encourage vaccinations.

15. Lionel Messi Signs Deal With Paris Saint-Germain

 BIG MOVE 

“I gave my all for this club for this shirt, from the first day I arrived to the last,” Messi said in a press conference following his departure from FC Barcelona.

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