1. Trump Drops $230 Picture Book to Fleece Dumbasses for Xmas

  NO BIGLY WORDS 

The former president’s website proudly states that he wrote some of the captions all by himself.

2. AOC Ridicules ‘Evil Imbecile’ McCarthy During 8-Hour Speech

 ‘GIVE US SOME PIZZAZZ’ 

Overnight, the House minority leader delivered the longest ever speech from the House floor.

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4. FDA Finally Clears Moderna, Pfizer Boosters for U.S. Adults

 TAKE YOUR SHOT 

Several states pre-empted the FDA’s approval and had already opened up boosters for everyone 18 and up in the past week.

5. Caged Rioter Begs for Release to Get Away From Other Rioters

 BAD COMPANY 

Robert Gieswein was seen wielding a baseball bat at the Capitol riot.

6. This Hair Dryer Brush Gives You a Fast Salon-Level Blowout

 BLOWN AWAY 

The Revlon One-Step Hair Dryer and Volumizer lets you style hair on Monday and forget about it until Friday.

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7. ‘Smallpox’ Vials Found by Lab Worker Didn’t Contain Virus

 OOPS, WRONG LABEL 

A lab worker made the startling discovery of vials labeled “smallpox” at a suburban Philadelphia facility.

8. College Student Dies From Plunge Down Trash Chute: Report

 SUSPICIOUS 

“That’s just not Justine,” her mother said. “She would never do something like that, go down a chute… I believe someone was chasing her.”

9. GOP Candidate: Fauci Deserves Jail, Not My Hero Rittenhouse

 DEEPLY CONFUSED 

MAGA crank Jackson Lahmeyer—a pastor—is challenging James Lankford in next year’s Oklahoma Senate primary.

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10. Ex-College Prof Indicted for Setting Blazes Near Dixie Fire

 WATCHING THE WORLD BURN 

Gary Stephen Maynard allegedly set four wildfires that threatened to trap firefighters battling the massive Dixie Fire this summer.

11. New FBI Probe of Jimmy Hoffa’s Death Leads to N.J. Landfill

 ‘THIS CASE HAS TO BE SOLVED’ 

The FBI is searching the site after a worker made a deathbed confession about burying the Teamster boss in a steel drum there.

12. Cryptocurrency Bid Loses as U.S. Constitution Sells for $41M

 COLLECTOR'S EDITION 

The group raised more than $43 million from more than 15,000 donors, but lost out to a private buyer.

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13. Trump Offers Gosar His ‘Total Endorsement’—Because of Course

 BIRDS OF A FEATHER 

The House formally rebuked the Arizona congressman after he tweeted a video depicting him killing Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

14. Kamala’s Comms Director Is Headed for the Exits: Report

 OUT THE DOOR 

Ashley Etienne transitioned from the Biden campaign to Harris’ office, where some said she fumbled the veep’s messaging.

15. Live-In Chef Accuses Bucs’ Antonio Brown of Fake Vax Card

 WHAT THE BUC? 

Brown’s lawyer denies the claims, insisting the player is vaccinated.

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