1.  Trump Campaign Takes Back Its Well Wishes to Hunter Biden

 NEVERMIND 

An initial statement sent to to CNN after Biden’s conviction on gun charges was seemingly changed an hour later.

U.S. NEWS

2.  Gayle King Shares Way Too Much About Oprah’s Hospitalization

 💩  

“Stuff was coming out both ends,” she said.

ENTERTAINMENT

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 BLOAT, BEGONE! 

Buoy’s recently launched anti-bloat electrolyte Digestion Drops sold out in just four days—grab a bottle now before they sell out again.

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3.  Shari Redstone Kills Sale of Paramount to Skydance

 SUCCESSION-ESQUE 

The merger could have brought media titans Jeff Zucker and Jeff Shell back into the mix.

MEDIA

4.  Jill Biden Missed the Verdict in Hunter’s Trial

 WHIPLASH 

The first lady was reportedly unable to get into the courtroom in time because of security delays.

POLITICS

Robert Mondavi Taps Carmelo Anthony for New Wine Launch

 WINE DOWN 

Robert Mondavi Winery and VII(N) The Seventh Estate, founded by Carmelo Anthony and Asani Swann, announced a new partnership.

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5.  Farage Targeted by Yet Another Object-Lobbing Protester

 LINE OF IRE 

Last week it was a milkshake. Now it’s wet cement—he thinks.

WORLD

6.  Malawi VP Killed With 9 Others in Plane Crash: President

 WORST FEARS 

The news was announced after the wreckage of their missing aircraft was found.

WORLD

7.  DeSantis Launches ‘Freedom Fund’ to Fight the Democrats

 ‘KEEP FLORIDA FREE’ 

Not to be confused with the “Freedom Fighters Fund,” a legislative bid (that the governor opposed) to get Florida taxpayers to foot Donald Trump’s legal bills.

POLITICS

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8.  Prosecution’s Star Witness Hits the Stand in Menendez Trial

 GODFATHER-ESQUE 

Jose Uribe described a 2019 meeting with the Senator and his girlfriend (now wife), Nadine, at an Italian restaurant in New Jersey.

POLITICS

9.  Trump Might Lose Golf Course Liquor Licenses Over Conviction

 TEE-TOTAL 

New Jersey state law bars licenses for those who commit crimes “involving moral turpitude.”

U.S. NEWS

10.  Katie Holmes Was Left Off the ‘Dawson’s Creek’ Group Chat

 TOO COOL 

She said she wasn’t aware her fellow cast members were keeping in touch.

ENTERTAINMENT

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11.  Widow of ISIS Leader Spills on Life With Notorious Terrorist

 DOMESTIC DISCORD 

She said his personality changed drastically after he was detained in 2004 by American forces for a whole year.

WORLD

12.  Teen Victim Survives Near-Fatal Shark Attack in Florida

 AWFUL 

“I made it,” 15-year-old Lulu Gribbins reportedly said upon waking up, just days after having her hand and right leg amputated.

U.S. NEWS

13.  Airliner Makes Mayday Call in Mid-Flight Hailstorm Scare

 BUMPY RIDE 

The aircraft’s nose and cockpit windows were significantly damaged in the incident.

TRAVEL

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