1.  DOJ’s Kristen Clarke Says She Was a Victim of Abuse: Report

 ‘TRAUMATIZING’ 

Clarke made the statement after she was accused of failing to disclose an arrest.

POLITICS

2.  John Cleese Moans About Being Forced to Cut N-Word From Show

  NO SENSE OF ‘IRONY’ 

The “Monty Python” comedian lobbed shots at audience intellect when explaining why he dropped the racist slur from a stage revival of “Fawlty Towers.”

ENTERTAINMENT

These CBN Gummies Are Formulated to Help You *Stay* Asleep

  “TOMORROW STARTS TONIGHT” 

According to a recent study, when CBN is taken without CBD, it may help you sleep through the night and experience fewer disturbances.

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3.  Britney Spears and Sam Asghari Finalize Their Divorce

 PARTING WAYS 

A source told Page Six that Spears is doing fine and thankfully protected by an “ironclad” pre-nup.

ENTERTAINMENT

4.  You Can Now See the Banned ‘Bluey’ Episode on YouTube

 UP AND RUNNING 

It’s the one where Bluey’s dad pretends to get pregnant.

ENTERTAINMENT

Cleanse and Firm Like Royalty With PMD’s 24K Facial Wand

 GOLD RUSH 

The next-level cleansing wand and facial massager harnesses sonic and heat therapy modalities for a deeper cleanse with added anti-aging benefits.

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5.  Musk’s Starlink Keeps Providing Internet in Unlicensed Areas

 FIVE-STAR SERVICE 

Customers were told their illegal internet would be shut off on May 1. The next day many were still able to use it.

WORLD

6.  Macron Refuses to Rule Out Sending French Troops to Ukraine

 STANDING FIRM 

Russia has already made direct warnings to the French government against such a move.

WORLD

7.  ANOTHER Whistleblower Linked to Boeing Is Dead: Report

 GET THE TINFOIL 

Joshua Dean died after two weeks in critical condition from “a short and sudden illness,” a family member said.

TRAVEL

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8.  Cher Explains Reason Why She Dates Younger Men

 GO OFF 

The legendary singer also confirmed that she once rejected Elvis Presley—though not because of any age gap, or lack thereof.

ENTERTAINMENT

9.  Boris Johnson Turned Away From U.K. Polling Station: Report

  REAP WHAT YE SOW 

The former prime minister was reportedly caught with his pants down when he forgot to bring his photo ID along with him to vote.

WORLD

10.  Judge Dismisses Tiger King’s Music Copyright Lawsuit

 TIGER TAMED 

The songwriter behind “I Saw a Tiger,” and “Killer Carole,” doesn’t owe Joe Exotic a cent.

ENTERTAINMENT

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11.  NBA Star’s OTHER Brother Now in Hot Water Too

 ALL IN THE FAMILY 

That makes three of Denver Nuggets star Michael Porter Jr.’s four brothers who are now mired in controversy.

ENTERTAINMENT

12.  Tomb of Mysterious Dyatlov Pass Hikers Defaced With Swastika

 VANDALS 

The 1959 deaths of the nine hikers in the Ural Mountains has been an enduring enigma that spurred numerous conspiracy theories.

WORLD

13.  United Methodist Church Lifts 40-Year Ban on Gay Clergy

 TEARS OF JOY 

“This morning I cried…because a fight I’ve been in for so long found justice,” wrote one pastor.

U.S. NEWS

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