An anti-CRT protest in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, last summer. Dan Gleiter | [email protected]

Good Saturday morning, friends!

 

Well, we avoided it as long as possible, but I'm sorry to say that it's come to New Jersey. No, not omicron, though that's here too. I'm talking about the large-scale national hallucination involving critical race theory and the alleged teaching of it in our public schools. 

 

Only the hallucination is here, of course, because nowhere in the United States is critical race theory being taught at the elementary or high school levels. Most people -- myself included -- can't offer a really educated articulation of what CRT even is, beyond it being an area of academic study that examines ways racism informs the structures of American life.

 

Yet, the same people who like to whine about New Jersey being a "Nanny State" now want to pre-ban the teaching -- to elementary school kids -- of an educational theory currently only used in upper-level college and post-graduate research. 

 

Twin bills introduced in the state legislature take a brave stance against teaching something that isn't being taught. The bills are larded with plenty of language banning the teaching of specific ideological stances -- including the violent overthrow of the United States government. The Senate version is tied to the same Republican who pushed a bill to ban transgender athletes from playing girls sports, another non-issue. 

 

As the NJ Law Journal notes, the measures probably aren't Constitutional anyway. These bills aren't meant to result in new laws, they're about sounding dog whistles and maybe landing someone a guest hit on Tucker Carlson. The "issues" they deal with are figments of someone's imagination, just scary stories. 

 

These bills are like The Babadook of legislation.

 

If you're not familiar with Mister Babadook, he's a creepy cartoon villain (and accidental gay icon) from a 2014 horror movie. In it, The Babadook appears from a cursed pop-up book as a nightmarish manifestation of parental grief, depression and paranoia. So, pretty accurate! 

 

While they're at it, can the GOP whip up a bill banning the teaching of Birds Aren't Real theory? That's a performance art bit that started on the Internet which  asserts that birds are "don't exist and are really drone replicas installed by the U.S. government to spy on Americans," according to the New York Times. 

 

There's nothing to suggest anyone is planning to teach Birds Aren't Real theory in our public schools, but as a concerned parent and taxpayer, I demand our elected officials outlaw this dangerous ideology before it preys on our precious children.

 

Look, you folks know me. I usually suppress the urge to just straight up make fun of people I disagree with -- it's fun for me to write but doesn't actually make for productive conversation. 

 

But the "CRT panic," like the trans athlete panic, the sharia law panic, and the Satan-is-coming-for-your-babies-through-heavy-metal panic, is just that. Scary stories parents tell ourselves to help us cope with all the very real things we want to protect our kids from, but often can't. 

 

We have enough to worry about here in New Jersey. Let's save our energy for real issues, not fiction.

 

Also this week, little Hailey's got a big voice, some new Jersey kids, more places to get weed, the '80s are still back and a look back at one of the state's most notorious mass murders:

 

KID'S GOT PIPES: Want to hear something good? Check out Clifton's Hailey Mia singing on NBC's "The Voice." The 14-year-old known IRL as Hailey Mia Osorio, will compete in the finals of the TV singing contest on Tuesday night. Go, Jersey girl!

NEW NEIGHBORS: Deep in the Pinelands, on the sprawling grounds of Joint Base McGuire-Dix-Lakehurst, more than 11,000 Afghan families are living in refugee "villages" while they await word on what comes next. Among them are 100 babies born at Liberty Village. No matter where these families end up, those kids are from Jersey. Now that's America!

 

MORE WEED: The state Cannabis Regulatory Commission approved 30 more medical marijuana facilities for the state, which NJ Cannabis Insider reports is the last part of a long-promised expansion in that program. It'll be several more months before they get to recreational retailers.

NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP: Like big hair, Chicken McNuggets and Duran Duran, the 80s will never go away. Which is why I'm loving the retro '80s powder blue New Jersey license plates we could start seeing again. Shut up and take my money!

50 YEARS AGO IN JERSEY: We talked here a few weeks ago about men killing women, and the stories those lost lives contained. Our Rebecca Everett and former NJ.com staffer Jess Remo examined the deaths of Helen, Alma, Patty, John and Fred List and the central motivation -- the desire to control -- that binds their murderer to other domestic abusers. It's a good read. 

 

Finally, if you weren't watching Thursday night when the Rutgers men's basketball team pulled off a galactic upset of No. 1 Purdue in a mind-bending buzzer beater of a shot, do not fret: Andy Mills has you covered with this set of photos. When a legendary photographer is on hand for a game that will instantly go down in New Jersey sports history, you know it has to be NJ.com sports.

 

That's it for this week, friends. I'm off to do some holiday baking. Who has a favorite cookie recipe to share? Email 'em!

 

P.S.: Put your hands together for Joey Dee and The Starlighters, everybody! Doo wop forever. 

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